This topic contains 10 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Newboundaries 4 weeks ago.

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  • #102723
     Newboundaries 
    Participant

    Anyone who has experienced living in a refuge and then moved out to council or private accommodation. How long did you stay there for before you were able to move? Just trying to justify how much time he will miss out on our child as some key milestones coming up which I am feeling guilty about him missing out on.
    Am I right to say you can’t have any contact with the father whilst you are in a refuge to obviously protect you all.

  • #102732
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Don’t worry about what your abuser will miss out on. He gave up those rights the minute he started abusing you. He won’t care. He would use those milestones to ruin things anyway. As long as you are with your child and are safe, that’s all that matters. Abusers dont care about milestones. My ex wouldn’t have remembered his child’s birthday if I hadn’t planned and reminded him. They’re selfish a wrapped up in their own world. If you’re worried then you can send photos at a later date if he asks. There’s no such thing as co parenting with an abuser. Children learn from the behaviour of their parents and an abuser will always use the child for control of the mother. I’d be very wary of any contact at all x can you afford to go straight into private renting? Whatever you do please do not tell your abuser x

  • #102751
     JoyForever 
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’ve stayed in a refuge for months but I know some have stayed 2 years. It depends on the refuge and your council. Where I live, there is a high demand of housing. It was hard for me as a single woman not being seen as a priority need. But now, with Covid- 19, I have unexpectedly been offered a property.

    Refuge is alright- the main point is that you are safe and you have time to clear your moind. The support in my refuge has not been great but I know many are great. Just take your own initiative if needed and reach out to all the help that is out there.

  • #102773
     Newboundaries 
    Participant

    Thanks for your honest answers. Hoping if I choose that option it will be months rather than 2 years.
    KIP sadly I can’t afford private renting by myself at the moment as I would have to come up front with advance money, I don’t work, want to set up a business but on hold for the moment until I decide what to do with this situation and I need to get out sooner rather than later, wish this could be an option, plus the fact he won’t let me take our child with him. Bit of a vicious circle at the moment. But won’t be telling him anything.

  • #102783
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi ive been here nearly a year but WA will usually let you stay until rehoused, would’ve moved earlier but welfare fund was delayed then lockdown happened 🙄
    When your partner abused you he’s really lost all rights to any inclusion with his children’s lives at least in the immediate future. Who knows what the future holds? What we do know is that living with partners who are abusive becomes intolerable and one day we just can’t do it anymore. Have you heard of the FOG of abuse, that stands for fear,obligation and guilt. You are not obliged to give him anymore of your time,energy or thoughts, though they fill them fir a whole to come. The guilt is theirs alone, but we all feel so very guilty. Start keeping a journal of abuse, an abused mother is a form of child abuse, so they aren’t good dads, they’re awful dads. Good dads would never abuse their child’s mum. When you decide to leave, go. Don’t think about it just do it. That’s been my mantra when I’ve had to make difficult decisions. Babies in the womb pick up on their mum being abused. They jump at loud noises and cry more than other babies. Stay safe, contact wa let them help you make a safe exit plan. Don’t let him know you’re going, this is a really dangerous time for women as it’s when their partner could become even more abusive even physically.
    Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

  • #104210
     Jellyx 
    Participant

    I have been in here for a few months. When I came here I was told 12-18 months for a council house however with the virus I think it will be much longer (the area I live in is very High demand for homes !) it’s not the best as it’s quite small for myself and my three children but so much better than where I wasn’t before my partner was extremely mentally abusive and the home was in his name so didn’t need leave me much of an option. Sending lots of positive vibes you’re way xx

  • #104421
     Newboundaries 
    Participant

    Thanks Iwantmeback and Jellyx. Still weighing it up but in the meantime lining my ducks. Big milestone for my child in a few months and don’t really want him to miss it, no photos or videos are going to replace it and that is the only thing stopping me. I know that I will be much happier on my own with child of course and financially I would be better off at the moment I am struggling to pay the bills which I am still expected to pay 50/50, I even have a growing tab for the food shopping that I owe him. I just wish we could find an amicable way rather than what seems to be the only option on having to go to a refuge and not being able to have contact until I get rehomed. I will just keep plodding along until I just know what to do. It would be easier if he wasn’t bothered about his child but he has a big bond with him but I know that he isn’t the perfect father with how he is treating me and he is feeding our child information and the child is too young to be talked to like an adult. Writing it down it sounds obvious on what to do but if it was that easy hey…

  • #105178
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hi, I’m new to this forum and this is my first post.
    When I turned up at a refuge it wasn’t what I expected, if I expected anything, I moved in (detail removed by moderator) and moved out (detail removed by moderator).
    The people helped me so much I was single and at an age late (detail removed by moderator) when I never thought I would be in this situation.
    I was able to gather myself get my confidence back through the support there.
    It’s the best thing to do and the safest, you will never be alone.
    I wish you well and keep posting.
    X

  • #106845
     Newboundaries 
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply [email protected], I find this forum a blessing, like I am not alone/going mad. I glad you got the support and confidence from the refuge.
    I’m now with another local charity who are giving me full support and support from the local children centre too. I am exhausting other options first, would prefer to go private rental route but require a loan first from the council, have a meeting with the housing officer soon but might have to fall back on the refuge option or at least temporary accommodation in the short term. I guess re refuge 6 months+ with no contact is a long time and that is what I trying to get my head round, especially missing out on this particular milestone, if he misses it he won’t ever let me forget it, although it might eventually be the only option. I just need to be somewhere where I can think for myself and do what I want, he is just become so controlling and its affecting my time with my little one. My little one is becoming overly emotional and clingy lately but not sure if that is actually a usual age thing. I hate being in this position but try to remind myself that he put me in it. I have a feeling that a swift decision will be made in a few weeks.

  • #109027
     Bubblepop 
    Participant

    Your post is a couple of months old but do hope you see this, I lived in refuge for 9 months (detail removed by Moderator) before being rehoused with council.. my youngest son (abusers son) saw him for (detail removed by Moderator) months of the 9 until he did something to him and I stopped contact in terms of refuge I just had to be careful.. I met his parents I’m a public place to hand him over and just had to make sure I wasnt followed back.. refuge werent overly happy I let him have contact but i wanted to give him that chance until he ruined it for himself..

  • #109233
     Newboundaries 
    Participant

    Thanks Bubblepop that helps and completely get what you are saying. At the moment I am working away from the Refuge idea, I may have to revisit at some stage. Take Care x

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