How long is it going to take?

[Lottieblue]

It has been years now, since I left. I’ve done all the things I should have. I’ve done the Freedom Programme and the Toolkit for Recovery. I’m still having therapy, weekly. I’m kind to myself. I am completely no contact.

But it’s still so, so hard. I feel like I’m in the gutter. More than (detailed removed by Moderator) decades we were married and he says I left the marriage of my own accord so deserve nothing. I’m spending a fortune on lawyers trying to get enough to make a fresh start but he is completely in control, as he always was.

I’m feeling low level anxiety on a daily basis. How do I make new friends or even think about a new relationship when this consumes me as it does? It defines me. How can I ever let anyone get to know me when this is all there is to know?

[Watersprite]

I’m not sure there is an answer to this lottieblue and I’m sorry you are still struggling to take your power back from your ex. The conclusion of proceedings does bring a sense of an ending and then a road to recovery whatever that may be. The injustice will always be what it is but amongst the ongoing processes try and carve little moments out for you and the future you want to inhabit. You really are doing everything you can and I remember your posts from some time ago – you have come so far! It took decades to get to this point it will take time to untangle but that is what you are doing freeing yourself from his snare bit by bit. x*x

[iliketea]

Hi @lottieblue I’m right there with you. Feel exactly the same. Had high hopes that things would get better and a new life would miracuously open up once Id got out and away from the darkness of abuse. All the nice and kind people would appear and they’d all be my friends. Hasn’t really happened that way. I don’t have any answers as Im definitely down in the dumps right now – got never-ending flu too – but just wanted to send a solidarity hug and best wishes for a better 2023, and perhaps this is OUR year. I was thinking today that it was quite a thing to leave someone during the pandemic, so we need to be kind to ourselves for how far we have come having had to contend with that too, on top of everything. I think it has made a changed world. I think it has made people less kind and caring. It feels like the world has closed down a bit to me. This Christmas I didnt see any of the kindess I saw during the pandemic or even last year. All the outcry about Ukraine in February and I haven’t heard a bleep in my local area about helping Ukrainians at Christmas time. I don’t know what Im banging on about, I think Im just trying to say, we all need to be kind to ourselves as on top of abusive relationships we have had to contend with the pandemic too.
Sending love. xx

[Marmalade]

It’s hard. I’m not sure it’s ever possible to completely shake off the abuse. It changes you and shapes the way you think about things and tackle them.
Just congratulate yourself on how far you’ve come and all the things you’ve achieved and keep moving forwards. Small steps at a time or it becomes too overwhelming.
I’m out a while, at a point during pandemic also. I did not think there was a wonderful future ahead of me, I didn’t think I’d cope. It has been incredibly hard but I have slowly moved forward. I think it is 1 step forward, 2 steps back sometimes but it’s a gradual process.
I agree about how hard it is to form new friendships let alone relationships. I think it is very hard to trust people or let them get close as our trust and love has been so betrayed. I also feel defined by the abuse. I feel I can hardly remember much else about myself. I suppose time will gradually dim the memories. Have you tried EMDR? I am on the waiting list. It apparently dims or even removes traumatic memories. Maybe that would be something to try to allow yourself to close that chapter.
Be very kind to yourself. You are moving forward even if it is slow progress. I totally understand what you are saying.

[Lottieblue]

Thank you all so much for your support.

I suppose it’s obvious that, when I come on to this forum, I am going to be faced with all these poor lovely people who are struggling with abusive relationships, many first-timers and many trying to get to grips with the realisation that abuse is what it is. For me, it just reinforces the fact that years have passed since that was me, I did it, I left… but that the battle continues, more lonely than ever. I feel so fortunate to be out of my marriage. But I am being punished. Kicked while down.

Oh, but if anyone reads this and wonders what the point is of leaving if it’s so miserable afterwards, I want to stress that I don’t regret it – at all. Not at all.

Again, thank you. I just feel a little bit less alone when I can come on here and connect. x

[minimeerkat]

just letting you know that you are not alone in the way you are feeling. i am also out after over (detailed removed by Moderator) decades. its taken years to get the property into my sole name & sadly there was nothing but contact from him throughout this period which did a lot of damage very recently due to his need to control everything even making things as difficult as possible for me. im like you regarding friendships as its impossible to even pretend that you are ok when someones goal was to destroy you leaving you with no confidence whatsoever & because of the trauma leaving your head full of thoughts about them & what they did. the isolation is one of the worst things when you need support. i read an article on trauma bonds which says that you can feel worse as time goes on? not to be negative at all but just so you know it is probably more normal than you think. & that it certainly doesnt mean there wont be an improvement. the key i believe is not to fight or be scared of these awful feelings. accepting them & understanding how they have developed re the trauma. it really does help knowing others are going through this nightmare. listening to & supporting each other is going to help us get through it x

[nbumblebee]

As someone who is still here still struggling to face this I just wanna say sonething.
Reading oosts on here about how you left is so helpful give me such encouragement such belief.
But so do the real posts like you have written. Just because you have keft doesnt mean it hurts any less, doesnt mean you cant still cry remember, feel lonley and sad in fact its good that you do. A good cry a good blow out is often just what we need when things seem bad.
I think too iften we believe once we are out the sun will shine forever but life isnt like that for real and of course you will have bad days and maybe you always will but one day it wont hurt as much. 25 years ago I was raped Ive never spoken of it till I came on here but it lived with me every single day. New year reminds me every year of that day even now I cant stop thinking about what happened. Things like this will never go but I hope one day it will ease for you.
For now cry feel sad take some time but If you find yourself unable to pick yourself up after id reach out for a helping hand sweetie doesnt matter how much time has passed you hurt and you still deserve to be looked after.
You too @iliketea xx

[Iwantmeback]

That is the $64 million question. Some say it depends on how long you were with your partner and that can be a gauge as to how long it’ll take you to heal. I think going no contact helps the healing process to happen a lot quicker. Learning about who we are as an individual, rather than worrying about loving again, is also helpful in this journey after leaving. I’ve said all along I’ll never be with another man again, it’s not that he’s won, he’s damaged me beyond repair, it’s just I’m okay with being on my own, more than I ever thought I’d be. Maybe in years to come I’ll change my mind but for now I’m concentrating on me and what’s right and good for me. And part of that is to be a mum again, someone who is really there for her kids(grown up ones) not one who’s afraid to have them in her house, who stops talking to them on the phone cos someone’s nose will be out of joint. We all have to find what helps us along this pathway, and what I’ve found so far is to have a really good circle of friends who totally get what you’ve gone through, where you can be thoroughly open about what you’re thinking, feeling, if you’ve heard from them, if it be via text, email or turning up at your door. So long as you have people in your corner, you’ll get through this
Bi làidir (be strong) be kind to yourself and put yourself first. Cos without putting on the oxygen mask, you’re no good to anyone else never mind yourself
IWMB 💞 💞

[StrongLife]

I’m In similar position of when does this end. Clearly end of court cases is clear cut change. I’m in part after this and resestablishing my life back to get some form of normal.

I don’t have the answers. I’m thinking as time goes by it will rear it’s head but not as much as it ever did.

[Author]

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