How long till you feel relief after leaving?

[Eyesopening]

Its not been long, one day i feel ok, the next day terrible, I can hardly eat and on the bad days I cry all day.
When should i start to feel relief? And when do i start to see how bad things were? Its just not happening..
Maybe they were not bad enough to justify leaving. Otherwise i would feel relief like others rather then regret.
Today is bad again, i was dreaming of him and woke up missing him so much.

[KIP.]

Have you read about trauma bonding. Leaving an abuser brings all sorts of emotions and the brain needs to sort through them first. It’s a real rollercoaster. Try keeping a journal of his abuse. Our brain will push the good times to the front to protect us but abusers don’t change and the fact that you left is enough to know just how bad it was.

[Eyesopening]

Yes I read alot on trauma bonding, i did so much research when i was with him. Now i feel its just upsetting to read my journal or anything around abuse.
One day is ok then next I feel I really made a mistake. Because he wasn’t as bad as everything i read..
If he came along and said lets try again I wouldn’t have the power not too.
Its too hard.
How long does the rollar coaster last? I took the (detail removed by moderator) off work, and not sure if i should ask for more leave, if work will be good or i will break down and embarrass myself.

[Put the kettle on]

Hi eyesopening,
Things can be so raw after leaving, emotions all over. I don’t remember when I first felt the relief but for me it was little unexpected things. My ex was (still tries to be) so controlling, our days were almost on a time schedule so it was little moments when I realised I didn’t have to do certain things at certain times.
I too had times when I thought I’d take him back. It’s those times we need to remember why we left. I think minimising our experience is a coping mechanism, possibly to do with the trauma bond. We want the good times back but remember the price of the good times, remember the cycle of abuse, because the good times don’t last with people like that, they’re fake manipulations to hook us in.
You’ve done so well to leave the relationship and it will hurt because you have a history and you care still.
What’s important now is you and your healing journey. Feel your feelings, maybe write them down or speak to a friend, family, counselor. Try to remember sny hobbies or interests you had and see if you could start them again.
Could you speak to anyone at work confidentially about what’s happened? Maybe they could work with you so you could return to work a bit, if you’re ready, then you’ll have your job to focus on and take your mind off him.
Try to focus on looking after yourself, you’ve been through a lot

[Eyesopening]

Hi Put the kettle on,
Thanks for the support, I get what you mean, I need to concentrate on those little moments, like I was with someone the other day and they complimented my memory! I would never have gotten a compliment like that from my ex, more told I remember things wrongly.
Thanks for reminding me, you right I was only thinking of the good, I was having a bad day, today seems a bit better.
I tried to speak to them at work(only by email) I just couldn’t, the only person I have managed to speak to is my local DA outreach worker. I cried the whole time. I talk to family, but not the full details..
So I think I need to settle down a bit before I can tell anyone else.. I don’t want to break down at work.. I’m WFH so it’s not too bad. I will go back and see how it goes.
Thank you xx

[Put the kettle on]

I too got told I remembered stuff wrong, still do get told this by him and flying monkeys! Yet friends and others compliment me on my memory. They really do try to mess with our heads and our realities.
We all have moments where we only remember the good, i think it’s normal.
Yeah it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to return to work yet and it’s good you can work from home at the moment.
It took me a long time before I could speak about the abuse I experienced, sone people I could open up to others I couldn’t. I had a DA worker and she was great. I still cry sometimes when I tell people my situation, we’ve hidden it for so long and suppressed our feelings.
I’m glad you’ve found a bit of clarity looking through your notes.

[Eyesopening]

Hi again, Put the kettle on.
thankyou for your support.
Your post just made me realize something around meals times, how meal times where always very rigid. He made the rules, like weekends i had to cook lunch and dinner and serve him. Weekdays he would cook (if he felt like it) but if i worked late and was late to eat he made sure i knew he was angry by being passive aggressive. I started to get anxious at the end of a work day knowing if I was late he would be annoyed..
Crazy what I’m starting too see wasn’t normal. Starting to see how easy life can be, how relaxed it can be.
At the end i started to realize how i would want my partner to act. I would want him to be sympathetic when i worked hours on end. If i was late for a meal be happy when I finally came down for dinner!
Be grateful that i was providing financially for us both (not that i want to support anyone financially but if i did i should be appreciated)

[seekingfurther]

I’m not where you are (yet – hopefully soon as I feel like I’ll do much better once I’m actually out the house and away from him) but I am “away” from him, living separately in the house and not speaking – waiting to leave basically.

I’ve been having some of the exact same thoughts. I go from being really angry with him and really resolute with leaving to being anxious that I’ll stay to feeling absolutely devastated and questioning all my decisions and constantly thinking was it even that bad? and back again.

I’ve not taken time off work as they don’t know what is going on. I took time off before when we broke up, being signed off sick, so I feel like I’d be taking the mick a bit if I went again. I also found it really quite overwhelming when I went back as they were asking a bit about what was going on etc and I didn’t feel like I wanted to say – but I think I rushed back and I think you should take your time. I think most of the pressures I had were internal and work wouldn’t have placed that on me.

Definitely reach out and find your support system. I’ve told my parents and it’s been great when I’ve been speaking to them. This forum is obviously also really helpful. I’ve been having some online CBT through IAPT anyway before “leaving” – that might be something you could self-refer for? Could you also get some counselling through work (I think I could)? I’ve heard Woman’s Aid also offer an outreach service, although I don’t know too much about the support they offer.

[Eyesopening]

Hi Seekingfurther, Thankyou for replying, I know that confusion, I think, very slowly, it’s getting better. I really hope, i have bad days, good days, worse moments and ok moments.
That’s why I didn’t tell anyone at work, I really do not want anyone asking even ‘How are you’ and looking sympathetic, I know I will just cry. Hopefully in time I can talk about it.
My local DA Outreach worker said I need a bit more time before counselling but I am on a waiting list.
I did CBT recently with IESO. Actually they then directed me to DA services.
I am really struggling telling anyone in my family or friends, the full details, only that we have broken up and I am hurting. I am trying slowly to open up. Gosh it’s hard though.
Good luck
thank you
x*x

[Eyesopening]

Wow, I was just checking my IESO notes, the things I was saying about my relationship! I was anxious and scared of him, wanting to leave – even then! but I do not remember this. I can’t believe I was feeling the exact same way. I think even in the relationship you block out the bad parts from the past. I only kept a diary recently, now I have the IESO notes aswell as the posts I wrote here, as proof of how I felt.
I am shocked to see how bad I sounded! Imagine, all these years I was probably in the same situation but my brain blocked it out?!

[KIP.]

I was the same. I read medical records years later where I disclosed terrible abuse yet not one single medical professional mentioned the words domestic abuse. Sad and I hope things have changed.

[Eyesopening]

It’s crazy, first off I was sure I was ill, I just couldn’t function with life and was so exhausted all the time. I kept getting tests and they couldn’t find anything. Then I broke down infront of my GP, i told her about my partner, but she didn’t really say much only told me to refer myself to NHS therapy services.. then I went on to IESO. It was definitely a long journey to discovery.

[KIP.]

I was referred to therapy and yet again domestic abuse wasn’t mentioned. I spent decades trying to fix a problem that was never mine. Within five minutes of my first meeting with women’s aid, everything fell into place. It was like finding that missing piece of the jigsaw you’ve been looking for all your life. I truly hope things have changed x

[Orangerainbow]

Eyesopening, I too kept feeling ill, exhaustion was awful. Doctors did all the tests and nothing. I think they know a lot more now than years ago. This is my second experience of this treatment. I had no councelling with the first with regard to his trestment. I realise now its the same. N******tic abuse. I was so blind. I am not now. I see it all for what it was and am horrified I lived and normalised that through their training programme. The last wanted to finally break me in like some horse. I am working on the trauma bond myself. I keep telling myself he chose to do this, actually CHOSE. I too was told I didnt remember things. Vile. I realised I would go to work in a traumatised state.. goal posts alwsys shifting or the silent treatment. Crazy. I keep focusing on that and how I am away from it and him. He never loved me. They are incapable of love. Take care and think of you not him.

[Eyesopening]

Thanks OrangeRainbow, it’s nice to know i am not alone.
Do you think they really do it all consciously?
I am still struggling with that part. When I was there, it didn’t matter to me. But now, if I knew it was consciously done, I would feel no guilt at all.
How can they be such good actors? I really thought, still do, that he loved me, but maybe he had serious issues that made him abuse.
Take care
thank you
x*x

[KIP.]

Yes they absolutely know what they’re doing. Look back at all the abusive episodes and I bet they were done in private. They can control the abuse in public. They choose to abuse and they choose when. It’s simply who they are and it’s not personal. You could be me. My abuser could be your abuser. They simply don’t care, in fact I believe they target someone who they see as good as they’re easier to manipulate x good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Eyesopening]

Hey KIP,
Yeah I do see. When he would come to stay with my family at Christmas, it would be my happiest times, he would be the man I loved. I thought it was because he was happy too.
Or in front of others, he would always speak to me really nicely, actually he never spoke to me like that at home.
Though he has been so disrespectful to me infront of other men (manly men) at times, I think he thought it made him look good.
My mind tricks me in me sleep, I have really weird dreams, like he cheated on me in my dreams, or he’s driving like crazy and I am scared. But no matter what, I wake up missing him. Everyday I have to lock into the logical part of my brain to re-set it. Doesn’t help he’s been manipulating me by message. I haven’t quite been able to block him on everything yet xx

[KIP.]

Hey you’re doing great. Baby steps but every single contact is toxic to you so although it’s hard, zero contact is how you recover quickly. What you miss is the fake him and perhaps even being in a relationship but if you miss his abuse it’s because it’s become normal to you and as human beings we crave what is normal. Even if that normal is abuse x

[Eyesopening]

Hi Kip, I’m trying, he’s blocked on everything apart from one thing now WhatsApp…
Well I Archived him. So messages don’t pop up. But you see a little 1 if you go inside the app.. I keep blocking him then unblocking him.
But today I replied to his last message basically saying goodbye. I switched my phone off the whole day because I just can’t deal with the anxiety of seeing a little 1. Because I can’t relax till I read it, then my emotions are all over the place. I might just keep my phone off for a while.. As long as I can.
I know there will be a message and I just can’t deal with seeing it!
I need to be totally blocked off, I wish mobiles or Internet didn’t exist right now.

[KIP.]

Hey, can you change your number? It’s so easy to be hooked in emotionally when there is any contact. Don’t reply at all because it gives him the chance to mess with your head. To have the final discard or last word in his head and can leave you feeling even more distressed so cut him off while you’re ahead. While you hold the power. He may well block you such is their mind games.

[Eyesopening]

I would love to change the number.
It’s really ridiculous now how much he’s in contact. I mean it’sy first relationship and my first break up. What normally happens in a healthly relationship? If it’s over you stop speaking I assume!?

[KIP.]

Yes, absolutely. You both go your separate ways. Sometimes if there are kids or issues then there’s no choice but to have contact. But the decision is yours. If you don’t want contact you have every right to tell him and if he continues then it’s harrassment or stalking and I’d involve the police. It’s a red flag when they carry on like this. Abusers will use emotional abuse to keep the hook in. My ex was doing everything to keep in touch while he was already seeing someone else. They are liars and you want total zero contact x it’s how you heal quicker too. Talk to your local women’s aid for support.

[Eyesopening]

Thanks Kip,
I still don’t want to put my phone on and actually I wont until I really need to, it feels good..
Or am I nervous about what notifications I will get and the more I put it off the worse it will be. OR I will gain some more strength and deal with that better by the time I put my phone on.

I am in contact with my local DA outreach worker, she’s been amazing.

You know you were the first person to reply to my first post, when I asked if it was emotional abuse.
That was only back in March. I will never forget first reading your reply and being shook up.(in a good way)
I can’t believe how far I have come since then, but it seems like such a long long time ago already.
Actually in my relationship, I always felt like time went really really slowly. Others always comment how quickly time goes by…

[ISOPeace]

I have a friend who’s been in regular contact with her (non-abusive) ex since they split. Since they split on good terms, she thought it would be ok, but she’s actually finding it quite difficult and confusing now. I think even with a healthy relationship you need at least a period of separation. When a non-abusive relationship ended years ago, I didn’t want contact because it was painful and I felt like I needed space to heal and get used to the change. There may be the odd healthy relationship break where staying in contact is ok, but of course, abusers will just use any contact to manipulate you. x*x

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