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After reading lots of posts & writing quite a few myself, it seems that the longer we were in the abuse the longer it takes to heal? The more psychological damage they do & the weaker we became, the more we lost ourselves, the lower our self esteem became. I am fighting so hard, I actually like me, have always liked me but because of him now feel everyone hates me, & it’s true, his lies have been so severe, However difficult we rebuild a life from nothingness & hitting absolute rock bottom? I just feel I need to isolate from the world completely as no one understands at all. Except these of us who have experienced it years, or even months from what you wonderful brave ladies had happen. In truth I think just one month of serious abuse does vast damage.
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Hi Blueberry,
One dreadful thing about abuse is that you lose your sense of self. By the end, I didn’t even feel human- literally. Completely 100% dehumanised.
I wanted to cut myself off from the world, I hated myself, I felt panicky being amongst people but at the same time didn’t want to be alone…
A couple of years on, I have recently driven abroad, and many of the things which used to trigger me to do I can now do without thinking.
I still have healing to do, but at the same time I am developing things that he never allowed my the freedom to develop, things he’d taken away from me. For example, I now don’t have to ‘ask his permission’ to do things, or fear that he will be disgruntled or angry and I have even done some pretty radical things, like having my teeth done! I would never have done that a few years ago! I didn’t feel I was worth it or deserved it.
I think healing is multi-layered: on one level you’re working through such pain, and its arduous, but on another level, you’re slowly gaining strength and rediscovering yourself.
I was told I would be like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis- and it’s true, it does eventually happen, but very gradually. I wish I could hurry up the process for us all, but it takes time.
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Hi Serenity I love the butterfly saying, I also heard one about us being like unborn babies not yet strong enough to be born & once we are learning to live all over again. Every step & everything that a baby would have to learn to do from walking to speaking for itself, to becoming an independent adult again. I guess I feel at the very first step of maybe I’ve just been born & maybe I am hoping & praying I don’t always feel this incapable. That I will one day be strong enough to say I did all that, I was so much stronger than I thought I was x
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You’re right, I think it is a case of us having to be reborn.
We never return quite to what were- but that’s because we emerge stronger and wiser, and more determined to set boundaries.
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Oh Serenity I pray you are right & I can become so much stronger,most of all I just want to lose the haunting x
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