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    • #131457

      How many people have to tell me it’s abuse, he’s a n********t, that’s it’s not ok, before I actually believe it? Because it doesn’t matter who says it, how many times, I still don’t actually think it. Like I can tell people about some of the things he’s done and agree that’s controlling, manipulative, abusive but inside I genuinely don’t think it. It’s feels like I’m going mad, like there’s two parts of me. I don’t know how to explain it and I think I probably sound as mad as I feel. But how do I get myself to actually accept and believe it? How do I ever get to know he’s done wrong?

    • #131459

      Google cognitive dissonance x two alternate beliefs, the brain fighting between them, causes huge distress and confusion x

    • #131460
      Grey Rock

      Yes, cognitive dissonance. It’s how we survive living with these people without having a complete breakdown.


    • #131462

      Research, the more you learn about their behaviours, the more you recognise and the more your mind/heart starts to accept that it’s wrong.

    • #131468

      This is how I feel. I’m so glad it’s not just me,it’s like I have 2 heads. I know what he did wasn’t right, I know he did wrong, the court have said he’s done wrong but there’s still a little voice that says maybe he’s better now he’s not drinking, he did do some very caring things. I don’t want him back but I do sometimes wonder how he feels , having lost basically everything. Will I ever not feel that ?

    • #131489

      I agree with Bananaboat, the research I have done and the things I have learnt have helped me recognise and understand what is going on, which has lead to acceptance. But, that said, when I first joined this forum I knew nothing and initially went into shock/numbing mode. Give yourself time for what is happening to you to sink in, at first it is a disbelief xx

    • #131490

      I think we all have experienced this.
      I took many many MANY times to hear it for me.
      But actually, hearing from my brother, mother and father that he treated me terribly, that he had complete disregard for me and my wellbeing was enough. The people that I love and trust the most in world, to say this to me was very validating. It didn’t matter to me if they used the word abuse or not. It mattered that they knew how he treated me was wrong. But that may be just how I felt, since then I haven’t doubted. I felt like it was the ultimate confirmation that I cannot go back down the road of wondering if he was abusive or not.

      Of course to get there was a long long road, after lots of reading and educating myself on abuse, then with also speaking alot on here and with a support worker. The more you talk, the better. The more you open up, the more validation, the easier to see and the FOG of abuse lifts.


    • #131499

      Yep. Same here ive been here months and i still cant say it I still dont believe it.
      Not me not my life nope.
      Then there are days the bad days when i kniw this isnt normal I shouldnt be made to feel this way what he does says how he makes me feel is not right hes not right, we are not right.
      This is so hard sweetie and theres no right no wrong no time limit just as and when you feel ready you feel strong enough. Read lots and then read more post on here I post shed loads I must do everyones head in but its the only way to learn the only way for me to keep going dont stop learning the more you learn the stronger you become. Good luck sweetie x

    • #131506

      Once you get away you begin to realise. It is painful I know. I read the Lindy Bancroft books. But I did make a mistake again, because I was conditioned

    • #131508

      Hi you have taken the words right out of my mouth . It’s been helpful explaining that term kip aswell thanks . I agree, i need to keep hearing it but make sure I speak to the right people (sounds like you are) because it only takes one person to invalidate it and you are back again questioning it . I have a friend that will say “ there’s something wrong with him “ or “ it’s mental health” there’s nothing wrong with them it’s abuse . Also writing things down helps because when u read it again it goes in
      You sent alone take care x

    • #131509

      Sorry I just remembered a really useful way of thinking how the knowledge /awareness develops over time someone recently described it as opening up like flower 🌺

    • #131518

      Even when we are no longer with them we are controlled to think in a certain way, we not only have to break free of the physical but of the emotional side, I have only now come to realise that I was manipulated from our first meeting, I wasn’t vulnerable then I was happy. Now that I am having counselling & importantly am able to reach out to other women on here I realise that it is a long road to totally free yourself from the restraints that we too place upon ourselves in dealing with an abusive spouse etc.
      I miss the man I thought I had entered into a relationship with but am also beginning to realise that he never really existed, he was a tool designed to draw me in.x

      • #131522

        Wow Looktothelight you put that really well, this is something that I only started to realize close before leaving. That some subconscious choices & thoughts I make are due to his conditioning..
        I hope just realizing this, being aware is enough. I hope once we are aware then we can start healing it.

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