3rd February 2019 at 12:14 am #71788NewWingsParticipant
If my question seems ridiculous then so be it. I am tired of people assuming that domestic abuse is just that and only domestic. It’s almost as though it’s just one of those things and can’t really be sorted. I am very dissatisfied with the legal approach I was told not to mention the abuse and guess what he did flipped it on its head and said I abused him so why did I get a non molestation out against him? I feel like I’ve failed my children, he manipulated them I had a breakdown he moved back in stole my paperwork. (detail removed by Moderator) He then does work for my mother and she passes on info to my sister who passes it on to him. Sisterhood give me a break. I heard a woman say they only pick on weak women I thought I’d choke on my coffee. Meanwhile he’s telling my youngest the furniture I bought will go into storage and they’ll have their pick. The abuse doesn’t stop just because you say enough is enough. Someone said to me don’t fight and thought don’t you understand the saying a fight waiting to happen. My youngest said dads just (detail removed by Moderator) and he as angry with you as he was years ago. Now that’s worrying. I remember being stunned by 12 years a slave. The character played by Fassbender reminded me so much of my ex particularly the sense of ownership and how he a god given right to do whatever he pleased no one was going to stop him.
I remember my mother in law waiting upon her family like a servant and when she got cancer they still expected her to do it. When I offered to help I was told no you all right. Now I believe she was oppressed but just had to take it. My ex once told me that she once packed her bags and was ready to go, his elder brother begged her stay and she did. I left three maybe four times before I changed tactics. I don’t see any change in men like my ex I don’t see any good in him either. The person I met all those years ago was a complete fiction. He could to all the anger management courses you like and get 100% but he’d be able to hoodwink the experts at masters level. Guys like my ex laugh at therapists. He doesn’t really think there is anyone quite as clever as him and certainly not a woman. Sorry I needed a rant, I come from a part of the world where stone age man never died out!!
3rd February 2019 at 12:47 am #71789IwantmebackParticipant
Stoneage men are alive and kicking still all over the world. While we still live in a patriarchal society, men will still rule. So even though there’s the sisterhood, most of our deep down beliefs are so much a part of our psyche that we will think like them and talk like them until WE start making a stand.
I liked your rant, it was very on the ball and sadly an insight into life as if we still lived in the 1950s.
3rd February 2019 at 9:47 am #71795Eve1Participant
Hi New Wings,
This is one of the things that shocked me most whiten I realised it. I started my relationship worth my ex abuser feeling like we were equals. I doht know if tthings changed or if he always thought of me as less than him. I spect the latter.
I was also encouraged by my solicitor for the divorce too not mention abuse. I hesitated over this, and ultimately didn’t mention it as such. I did cite amongst reasons that he was controlling. And I suppose also, I had no evidence, there’d never been any police involvement and I hadnt been really clear it was abuse at the time of being worth him. Why are we encouraged to not mention abuse? It made me angry for some time afterwards and still does. Perhaps the solicitor was thinking of not antagonising my ex. It certainly is the easier way to go, I suppose but it didn’t stop him carrying on the abuse after I left via children and in any other way he could.
So, I think now unfortunately, that in many cases women are not seem as equals, which is devastating and needs to be stopped. And if men are raised in families where this is the case, where men see women less than them, it just goes on. I hope I’ve done enough to ensurhat my children don’t believe this.
Domestic abuse is horribly eye opening. We didn’t deserve it.
3rd February 2019 at 9:54 am #71796Eve1Participant
sorry about typos
3rd February 2019 at 12:44 pm #71811HopeLifeJoyParticipant
I like your rant too 🙂
Yes it is absolutely NOT ok to request victims/survivors of abuse to not mention domestic abuse in a court case. It is ridiculous. That is the biggest argument in our case, THE reason our relationship got destroyed and the lawyers ask us not to use this ammunition against the abuser? Then what are the established laws about domestic abuse for?? There are great laws nowadays, many women who fought for it, like coercive control and all forms ( emotional etc) of abuse being made illegal, this is all great achievement and those old outdated lawyers won’t use it? Shocking!!
I believe it is better to use a women, young and up to date and specialised in domestic abuse to go to court with. 👩⚖️
(detail removed by Moderator) I wasn’t aware that I suffered domestic abuse and neither was my (unfortunately old outdated male) lawyer. He thought it would be a good idea to go racial instead. I couldn’t do it. My ex is from another ethnicity than I am and I refused to use this is as the main argument to fight against him. It is total discrimination. I almost dismissed my lawyer over it. I mean what example would I give to my daughters if I go against their father because he is from another ethnicity. His ethnicity wasn’t the issue. No! It was domestic abuse full stop. I couldn’t identify it as such at the time and wasn’t armed with the knowledge I have now and went totally empty handed into the court room.
I lost big time of course. One battle lost. Not the war.
I am already winning the war, we all are, because we have the same attitude towards the next generation, our children must be educated and aware of abusive power and control. So we won in the long run 💪
3rd February 2019 at 3:51 pm #71827PasturesnewParticipant
My ex-husband got himself a female solicitor (just like he did, apparently, when he divorced first time around – before I met him and in another part of the country), probably thinking he could charm her and pull the wool over her eyes. He took ages to respond to the adultery charge so my (male) solicitor asked me for examples of his unreasonable behaviour (I could have written a book!). I was told that my ex-husband had said, after reading what I’d written, that if I were to go down that route, he’d contest the charges (in other words, he’d lie through his teeth. Given his previous profession, I’ve no doubt he would have spoken to those ‘in the know’ and got advice he’d have used against me and would have been believed). He ended up admitting to adultery anyway. I realise now that, given the changes that have taken place in the law in recent years, I could have insisted on divorcing him on unreasonable behaviour grounds. My solicitor should have been more aware of these changes, as should the female solicitor. There is still a long way to go before women are seen as any way equal to men. I know I shall go on fighting for the rest of my life for equality. And yes, we must educate future generations on what is and is not acceptable behaviour. I’d also like to see fewer gender-related toys, for example.
I’ve recently completed the Freedom course – what an eye opener! I’d encourage anyone who hasn’t done it to do so.
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