how many years did it take?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Ive been posting on this forum over half a decade, and im still with him

Going through a very difficult time, in that, its not the intensity or the incidents that are bad, its the duraton the consistancy this time. His mood and behaviour towards me, my elder children. His drinking, his smoking weed its all getting too much.

He has gone through spells of being clean of drink and drugs and his behaviour good too, I know its part of the cycle of both him being abusive and also a addict.

I just read through some of my older and original posts and can see how i really wasnt sure what was happening and knew something was off, was kind of half way there. Now I do see.

I just feel like im frozen or stuck. That the only way to get free of him would be to get a ocupatoin order but im not sure i can do that to him, which is stupid as hes happy to make me miserable and the kids. When will I reach a point where he is removed from my life and be strong enough to stay away?

He really is making me feel unwell, i have (detail removed by Moderator) and so on all common ailments of a abused person.

Christmas has been so difficult I honestly feel it would be easier sharing the children which i dreaded the thought of. At least I can make a happier home for them and in my own safe enviroment, bigger picture this would be a new normal.

I am just scared, as in the past when i have tried to seperate I fell to pieces, what if this happens again. He has said he wont get back with me if i end it another time. This has scared me as making this decsion would be a final breakup I guess i knew in the past he could, or would come back. Making this a final irriversable break is terrifying.

[Better-days]

I’m in the exact same position so I do not know the answer but you’re not alone. I totally admire everyone who has had the strength to finally go it’s takes a huge amount of bravery.

[spiritedaway]

I was too ashamed and embarrassed to admit to anyone for years there was a problem. I don’t even know if I can be honest with myself about how long, not even sure I really know, but probably close to a decade. I only found this forum after I left and I wish I’d had the support of others and the place to be heard while I was still there.
It feels like I never made a decision to leave I took an opportunity when it arose. I never saw the way out was so scared of what life after looked like and thought there was no way I could do it on my own. the day I left I left with a change of clothes and my work laptop. I had no idea what the next hour was going to look like let alone the day, the week, the….
No matter if you stay or leave it takes energy

[minimeerkat]

you have been posting over the christmas period (detail removed by Moderator) – and as you say, you started posting a long time ago
i suffer with nearly every one of the mental & physical health problems you do, and yes these are purely the result of having been in an abusive relationship. i think some women quite recently have mentioned having to get out due to the risk & concern of their mental health escalating. they end up choosing their sanity
i went through it for decades. but once i started to understand that it was the actual dependency upon my abuser (which he had deliberately generated) & the fear of being alone preventing me from leaving, i was able to see a way forward
i dont know if you are like i was, but i had to appreciate it wasnt love keeping me there. this was such a big realization for me
once i knew how to deal with the pain from being trauma bonded, it really helped. seeing myself as an addict – telling myself it was only as terrifying as it was due to the withdrawal symptoms. it can really help you start to see that it isnt the actual person you are craving at all x

[tiredofitall]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine – heavy drinking and cannabis use for over 20 years. Periods of not doing either but never lasted. For a long time I was waiting for him to quit so I would know that the way he treated me was just because of the substances but in my case, I liked him better when he was stoned. He was calmer and nicer to us then. I could probably have tolerated living with him if he had kept himself dosed up. Sad I know.
It took me about 5 years or so from the moment I was honest with myself about how he was treating me and how miserable I was. I came on here about 18 months before I left. I think it helped reassure me I was doing the tight thing and that his behaviour really was enough to justify me ending things.
I didn’t know that it would be the end till it was. Another long day of bring shouted at, criticised, on and on, intimidating me – all in front of the kids. I just thought no more. And I held on to that feeling of I don’t want to live this life anymore. And I set in motion all that I could so he knew I meant it. Got estate agents in to value the house, told family and friends, starred divorce proceedings. It was the hardest thing I’ve done but definitely the right thing. And the children are happier and free to be themselves.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes or if you never do it. Just keep talking and do a little prep – work out what help you might need, finances, what your plan might be. Just think it without doing it and get comfortable with all the possible ways he’d make it hard for you. Think about what kind of life you’d want to live when you are free. It might just help if the moment comes.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Honestly feeling so not well just now I cannot cope with this.

Managed to get out for a bit and my (detail removed by Moderator) is at ours visiting she’s toxic and makes things worse.

I spoke a bit off tone to him and she picked up on it like a shot.

He’s being Mr Nice to impress (detail removed by Moderator) and show her how amazing he is at being Dad, Husband and she hates me. Thinks I’m lazy and horrible. She wonders why he’s with me. Dreading going home spending time there, thank goodness for my children.

Feel sick, tight chest and physically shaking.

Can’t wait until new years when he’s back to work again.

Supposed I have to put in a front and get on with it. Just hope nobody notices me shaking with all the stress.

[spiritedaway]

breath deep and slow – we’re here for you

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you x

[Bananaboat]

The fear of what ‘needs to be done’ or the unknown can keep us tied into situations. Plus our brains like to tell us the worst and that we can’t cope. But you don’t wake up one day and decide to run a marathon – you take it step by step until you’re ready.

Forget what the (detail removed by Moderator) thinks, she’d hate you whatever you did because she’s a witch and rotten inside. I remember those shakes and it’s awful, being scared in your own home is torture. Do you want this again next Christmas and the one after that?

If you could talk to that version of yourself from 5 years ago, what would you say? And if you fast forward 5 years from now, what do you want your future self to say to you today?

He’s not going to change, any periods of sobriety are temporary and fake, he’s not showing you and the kids respect. You’re stronger than you realise and whether you stay or leave us in your hands – it’s your choice not his 😉 xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you Bananaboat

Your right (detail removed by Moderator) hates everyone at times very fake.

I know he’s not going to change and he spoils all special occasions, so no I don’t want this repeating itself

It’s just the telling him, the way it will go once I tell him I am so used to keeping quiet to keep the peace how do you fine the words how do you tell them it’s over and get them to leave?

He’s not going to go I’m sure of it x

[Bananaboat]

I hear you, that was one of my biggest fears too. I organised everything behind his back, got to the point of no return with new home set up etc and still sat on the sofa shaking until I said the words. As others said it helped to tell someone too – I told my housing officer then a parent and they both kept me on the right path. The fear, obligation and guilt is strong but just like the trauma bond, can be pushed through. It’s a hard step but you have to keep asking what’s the alternative if I don’t – he’ll be miserable whatever you do, so put your needs top where you can x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Can relate entirely.

I actually looked up a few things the past few days and beginning to think more about it as I cannot go in like this. Thought about contacting the housing office too, been looking more at it which is a step further as before I just didn’t want to hurt him or truly except the abuse for what it is.

Thanks BB x

[tiredofitall]

I knew that mine would not leave or be reasonable about anything. Its obvious really because if they were rational people we wouldn’t want to leave them! It took me years and years to finally have the energy and resolve to stand my ground. I just didn’t want to live that way anymore. And I was miserable (and so were the children) that it felt like we actually couldn’t be any more miserable. I just snapped one day and said that’s it. And I felt like I meant it. And a few days went by and I still felt like I meant it. And then a week went by and I still didn’t want to back down. So I followed it up and started to tell people because I knew that I would know go back on my decision if I told people. And I told them why. Something I had never done before. I started telling them about all the horrible ways he had treated me and the horrible things he had done. I moved out of the bedroom and started to sleep downstairs, I stopped cooking for him or including him in my plans. I treated him like a lodger. It helped that I was paying all the bills because he couldn’t keep a job. I contacted a solicitor and got some free advice. Started divorce proceedings. Instructed an estate agent to value the house. we had to live together for under a year till it all went through. It was hell but worth it to get to the other side.
I hoped he would let me buy him out so we wouldn’t have to leave the family home but he wouldn’t. The kids were upset at first but I’m glad now because being in a new place that is not tainted by bad memories has actually helped us all move on.
He didn’t believe I would go through with it but I let my actions do the talking. He ranted and raved at me for months. In the beginning i tried to explain all the reasons that I was giving up on our marriage. But he was not interested in accepting even one bit of responsibility for anything. So I just stopped trying to justify myself and just kept saying – I’m not happy and I don’t love you anymore. I don’t need to give you any other reason than that to want to separate. I could give you a million others but you don’t want to hear them. So that just became my mantra – to myself and to him – I’m not happy and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living like this.
He tried to get me to go to couples counselling and to tell me that I hadn’t tried everything but I knew that I had done everything I could and that no matter what a counsellor said or what he said, he was not going to change. he hadn’t changed after years and years of making me cry and shouting at me until I cowered – why on earth would he do that now.
Sorry, I’ve rambled on there. Just to say that I know how hard it is to want to do something and not feel like you can. I felt like that for such a long time so I’m never going to judge anyone for not leaving. But also to say, that you also have more in you than you know too. I thought I’d be stuck like that forever or until the children had left home.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you for sharing x

Very similar to how I feel and how things are.

I guess I will eventually find the energy to seek legal advice and reconnect with local services.

I think because I’ve tried numerous times to break free and gone back I have lost faith in myself.

Can’t imagine living all that time with your ex husband that must have been hard. I’m not sure I would stay strong if he was still here?

[Newgirl]

Omg yes I feel exactly the same! No weed tho just drink, going to cut down then doesn’t the on edge feeling but now noticing the control the digs the actions just remember that you too see all them so you are moving forward, I am desperate to get out and he often starts arguments and says we are over my response ‘good’ but next day he says we need to discuss it then it never happens I think he knows I’m done my focus is getting debts gone so I’m in a better situation as I have older kids so won’t get much help. I’d rather be skint and safe than stay here with him. It’s got to happen you just need to have faith I’ve also been here so long and feel so deflated that it hasn’t happened yet but it will when it’s right for us! Someone pointed out I’m grey rocking and after research yes I am as I cannot be bothered to engage with his games anymore! I’m done I’ve switched off and just waiting now I am not scared I am ready I just need to find a way out. I know it will be easier if he says it but I also kind of know he may not even though it’s clear he is also not happy as he wants intimacy and I’m not giving that

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi newgirl

It’s so hard though isn’t it? The tension all the time.

I have switched off, barely look him in the face I don’t want connect anymore I just can’t take the step to end things. As you say when we are ready.

For a moment earlier today I did let my guard down and thought of just letting things go. But in an instance he was saying how moody I was that my face was angry and he didn’t like it.

i can’t win, very lonely and stressful

[Anonymous]

It took me 20 yrs before I finally did. It was the hardest thing I ever did .it wasn’t easy , but it was harder to stay and live life on the edge wondering what was going to happen each day.
It was odd at first I’d even forgotten how to think for myself, was always looking over my shoulder, but as time goes by I became stronger and now relise I can do this .I am free .I believe we know when the time is right.one day I snapped and I haven’t looked back on that since.

[Chocolatebunnie]

I can understand those feelings of thinking for yourself freely but still watching over your shoulder too.

Glad you’ve gotten free and life is better x

Trying to build myself up, which is hard when you’re with someone intent on keeping you down, it’s a learning path I guess and realised a long time ago something was off, but recently I do see it as it is.

As you’ve said they’ll be a time, and to take it a step at a time

[Author]

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