How much is too much?

[PalomaW]

This is my second post, the first being a few months ago when things got particularly bad. Since then, its been an emotional rollercoaster and I really just want someone to talk to.

The story in short: After looking through my phone, my partner found a brief text exchange between myself and a person I had previously been intimate with. These particular texts sent whilst in my current relationship were not intimate in nature, just general how are you’s. They were also from months ago. I also found out that he has access to my social media accounts, and has been replying to random messages i’ve received in the past (from males) pretending to be me telling them (removed by moderator), and in one case he said “(removed by moderator)”.

Since then, I’ve had health problems on and off. I became incredibly disconnected with my body, including a complete lack of sex drive due to the (removed by moderator). Triggered largely due to problems in the relationsip, I underwent a major mental health breakdown whereby I tried to end my life twice. I was prescribed medication, which I have now stopped taking because it was causing further problems with my sex drive (or lack thereof) and therefore affecting the relationship even more to the point where my partner told me he was feeling resentment toward me.

Then after that, I found out I was pregnant and dealt with a termination. This was (removed by moderator), and i’m still feeling the emotional effects. I still continue to self harm.

However, none of this stopped the harrassment I receive. I have been called a liar, a tramp, told he hates me, wishes he’d never met me, told that i’ve made him feel like this, i’ve caused this. I don’t know how many times i’ve been told that he doesn’t feel like he wants to be with me anymore, and he thinks i’d be happier without him.

The difficult thing is that he goes from being so cruel to the next day being hugely apologetic. If i ignore him, he bombards me with texts and calls apologising and hating himself until I reply. In some instances, he’s turned up at my house and if i’m not there he’s threatened to call the Police because he’s worried that I might end my life.

I feel like I’m past the stage where I feel overwhelmed with emotion and am just totally spent. I’ve taken on my emotions and his emotions for the past few months and I’m done feeling. I feel like i’m sleepwalking through life, wondering when the next outburst will be, and how badly it might trigger me to do something that lets me escape it all.

[Anonymous]

You asked how much is too much, it’s too much full stop, his weird manipulation tactics shows signs of dark deception, machiavellian and just total wrongness, I knew someone this once, he used to send me messages pretending to be people I knew to test me and also sent me a message pretending to be a stranger who knew where I lived and (obviously had my number) who was gonna attack me at some point in my home) I also believe this guy was sending hisself messages pretending to be me faking love/lust/obsession with him when it couldn’t have been further from the truth and I’d been phoning the police to stop his harassment and lie spreading, please don’t give this man any photos of you in compromising ways, he’s causing a toxic confusion and is mentally not right, please end it as soon as you can 🤗💛🤗

[Anonymous]

Also block his number, change your number as soon as you can and passwords to all your accounts social and otherwise and report him he’s trying to drain you (and it’s working!) if you can’t see his texts or him he can’t drain you into giving in, I’d suggest you report him and see if they have domestic abuse officers connected to the station, this guy is a cat fisher and obviously has no qualms in pretending to be other people and that is beyond weird 🤗💗🤗

[Hereforhelp]

If he was truly unhappy he would leave. He is another abuser who is abusing you to a point you are losing yourself and I am so glad you posted. You are not alone ((big hugs))
Could you tell a trusted GP (female) to unload some of what you are going through? Your partner sounds so cruel and like a lot of women on here (most) we recognise what you are going through as we have been in such similar situations due to these men who abuse in such similar ways.
He knows when he has hurt you, he apologises without meaning it so aa to manipulate you into believing he made a mistake. No, he knows he is using empty words to keep you there in this unhappy abusive relationship. You can get help lovely, when you are ready reach out to your local Womans Aid. I spoke to my GP who was really helpful. Your partner love bombing, going down your phone, accessing your accounts, the verbal abuse… all of it is designed to keep himself in a powerful position as he is controlling, thr more you see his abuse the more you can’t unsee it, keeping a journal can help.
Keep posting ❤

[Anonymous]

I would take a restraining order out against him, if he felt sooo bad about abusing you he wouldn’t have carried on doing it, it’s just words and victim playing for effect, this is all him he wants you to feel bad “he’s” the one in the wrong “he” is the abuser, they use our kind and forgiving nature against us and gaslight us into thinking we’re bad and cruel and unforgiving, keep all his harassment proof (you’ve already got in case of future legality’s) and block every kind of contact with him, it’s the only way to break the trauma bond and try and recover, you’ve been through too much already and it wouldn’t surprise me if through it all you’d developed p.t.s.d (it’s really common after things like this a fair few of us have got it on here me included) and for him phoning the police so you won’t do “that” again he’s 1 using it as a way to get you to answer his messages 2 to show he can get to you while seeming caring to others and 3 possibly using it as a way to gaslight you and the police to make you look unstable so any reports you make in future may be used as a way to discredit you (these people are sly and clever) they’ll even make up ridiculous lies (nothing is out of bounds with these people) you need recovery healing dr support womens aid support and trauma therapy, he is warped and twisted in the mind (all abusers are) and in his actions “your” the opposite “your the innocent, please try and remember that, it isn’t and was “never” you and it’s not your fault it occurred either, it’s who/what he is
🧡💛💚

[PalomaW]

Thank you all for your responses, they made me feel less alone in all of this.

Another thing that’s playing on my mind and affecting my mental health quite a lot too is my lack of sex drive. Is it all down to things he’s said or done or is it a more deep seated emotional response to feeling ashamed of things that have happened in the past such as casual sex?

Often i cant bear to be touched because it brings back memories of the things he’s brought up about my past relationships. Things he knows because he looked through my phone.

I’ve even considered looking into sex therapy for myself to understand it more. Has anyone else been through a similar experience?

[Anonymous]

Yes 💯 abuse will affect those kinds of things , being with an abuser you won’t feel you wanna do those types of things with them and they’ll push guilt coerce emotionally blackmail threaten to go with other people and use even more ways to make you give in to them or even not even care about consent, but yeah I have considered seeing one of those types of therapists cos of things that’ve been done to me but my main priorities right now are my health, building my confidence and starting to socialise but yeah if you feel you need to see one of those kinds of therapists go for it! bit please please don’t let it be for him, never for him, that guy was so damaging and toxic for you, everything should be about you now, your recovery and healing from all the traumas you’ve endured
🐣🤗☀️

[Bananaboat]

I think you need to be kind to yourself, if you don’t feel safe, loved or trusting, plus you’re being called names, insulted and put down then sex will naturally be the last thing on your mind! That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you!! In the same way a man can’t perform unless aroused, neither can women, but the things that arose us are more instinctual and emotional than tickling their balls! xx

[PalomaW]

I’ve now found out he’s told (detail removed by moderator) even after i specifically asked him not to tell anyone. I haven’t told any of my close friends or family about it, nor have i told them the full extent about how I’ve been me feeling mentally. only 2 of my friends know i (detail removed by moderator) and that was only weeks after it happened. on top of that, I’ve recently told him how alone I’ve been feeling.

Do i have the right to feel betrayed? i brought it up with him and obviously it all went back to how is betrayed him first.

[Author]

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