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    • #145297
      Helphelphelp
      Participant

      After some time away from my ex and lots of hoovering me back in, he got in touch and told me he was addicted to some things, he asked if I could help and was sorry for his ways, I moved miles and miles away to get him help, and stayed for periods over lots of months. I went out of my way in every way shape and form, I felt stressed anxious dealing with his addictive ways, spiteful mouth but put it down to his addition, I suffer from general anxiety and did things for him I wouldn’t have done for myself, which put my anxiety to another level. Also the memories of his abusive ways and dropping me like a hot potato when it suited, made me worry I could be being setting myself up for hurt all over again, but still I stayed.
      I started to feel unwell myself with pains everywhere, I went back home to get help from my doctors and hospital, I was sent away many times as having anxiety and given upset tummy tablets. On the (detail removed by Moderator) day I was rushed in where I had life saving surgery. what I had, can be caused by stress and anxiety.i almost died that night, I was in hospital for weeks and I’ve been looked after for weeks. “Not by him” I’ve read that constant stress and anxiety can cause physical illness but honestly now I believe it. He dumped me just before it happened because I didnt go along with him breaking one of my boundaries. I saved a life n nearly lost my own doing it. My beautiful ladies, please look after yourselves before your abuser. I’ve since been told I deserve it for being so bitter, not letting go of the past hurts, and they hope I learn my lesson for feeling that way. I have no words for a human like that.

    • #145298
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Yes helphelphelp, that’s the one! That’s what I’ve been advising lately for us and others to put themselves 1st.It sounds like your ex was manipulating you to high heaven! abusers are needy for attention and will do anything + say anything to get it (even if it’s bad attention they don’t care) your ex probably thought he was very powerful getting you to come back but when you think about it it’s just pathetic and parasitic, glad your away from him, you’ve obviously learned a lot (cos you know the term hoovering) your gonna be a very good asset to this forum, thankyou for joining and welcome 💖💞💖

      • #145299
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Also google fibromyalgia, sometimes victims/survivors of abuse can end up with this condition (I know some var veterans have developed it) it might be something to look into as you mentioned widespread pain (not a dr but it’s just something that might resonate) abusers drain us, drain our support, energy, time, care until we’re an empty shell of ourselves, when we leave our energy starts to come back (it’s how we know we’ve been around someone toxic)
        🌳🧚🏻‍♀️🌳

      • #145377
        Helphelphelp
        Participant

        Hey Auriel, it’s so hard to put yourself first when your trying to show someone you love them, but this happening to me has been a massive eye opener,
        It’s still believe it or not upsetting to be away from them for me but I keep telling myself he would have come to me had he given a S&£T about me.
        And what is the point of loving someone as much as I loved him if he doesn’t care if I live or die. I went to him to help, for a long long period of time and he has zero care for how ill I’ve been.
        I just know that even if I went back I’d always know he doesn’t care, so I will stay away,
        Today I even cut him out of a large picture I had, didn’t think I could but after thinking about for 5 mins I chopped it up 😉 hopefully I’ll start to feel even better very soon xx

      • #145381
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        You could be trauma bonded and it’s defiantly a shock to the system when you realise how little they care it’s not that far fetched to rule out sociopathy and extreme narcissism (it’s way more common than people realise) abusers are takers and all about self and we self abandon and give (cos we’re givers) but we need to stop forgetting ourselves, there’s always someone for you to care for, you, your probably hurting incredibly right now and a bit angry how much you put into this man, separation and no contact is the 1st part then everything else comes after that🤗🌟💛

      • #145397
        Helphelphelp
        Participant

        Hey Auriel
        I stumbled across a book about narcissism a while ago and gaslighting. It blew my mind!!! I never would have believed that there were others like it, and it was exactly what I was going through,
        It’s just a shame I loved him so do much and put it out of my mind and made excuses for his behaviour after finding out he had an addiction to something, but reading up it seems a lot narcissists are addicted to this, I hoped that after he went to rehab he would be the man I loved. Apparently not. Very sad. Xx

      • #145463
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        We’ve all done it hun made excuses (assuming it’s part of a relationship) and that forgiving them shows you care, but they make so many excuses for themselves and are complete hypocrites should we do/say the same back they turn possessed! yeah a lot of these types have some form of addiction (I’ve know a few with different types) maybe it’s their constant need for a dopamine hot I dunno? but now your aware of his traits you can go from there
        💖💞💖

      • #145465
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        dopamine ‘hit’ ( 🙄 oh spell-changer 😊)

      • #145398
        Helphelphelp
        Participant

        I’ve also had people looking me up on a certain social media that tells you. So think he has a new interest who is wanting to see me, one thing I do hate the thought of is thinking others think it’s me, others think I’m the nasty one, don’t suppose I should care but I’ve been so caring and living that I hate it’s so unfair. X

      • #145519
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        I know hun it’s what they do (reverse the role to the other people victim becomes the abuser) the more they talk about you badly to people the more they show themselves up and your silence and unwillingness to do the same speaks volumes (it comes under smear campaigns and character assassination) you know and we who’s who (don’t know if thats any consolation?)
        abusers usually smear (sometimes during the relationship) I know it’s hard when you’ve been the giver, the carer and the psychological nurse (I was the same) but others will learn cos abusers repeat and realise it’s them with the strange issues, focus on you what you need and the people that genuinely care for you when your a giver it can seem like an alien concept to self care and put our needs first (but it could be the thing that stops others taking advantage in future)
        🧡💜🧡

      • #145520
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        I meant others around the abusers will realise they are the ones with the issue (not the abuser themselves they usually never self reflect) 🤗🤗🤗

    • #145353
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Thank you for sharing your experience in order to help others understand the damage that being abused can cause. You gave so much to him and it nearly cost you your life. I am so glad you made it through to be able to share your story, and I hope you are doing ok now, recovering well. That must’ve been very scarey.

      Can you think of anything that someone could have said to you that would have stopped you in your tracks? Although I think its probably different for everyone what brings them to the point of leaving.

      Its very sad to see that doctors dimissed your serious condition with tummy setlers!! They nearly cost you your life too. You must be so grateful to have survived all this and i hope you have a great future ahead of you now

      warmest wishes

      ts

      • #145394
        Helphelphelp
        Participant

        Hey TW That’s the hardest part, the love I gave him, he gave me love, a lot, but if I said anything that upset or hurt me he would go from 0-100, tell me I’m mad I’m nasty I need help, I’m spiteful and also mock some terrible things I’ve been through. U couldn’t understand how such a nice person could turn so. I also would then turn into a person I didn’t recognise defending myself.
        I can’t say what advice I’d give to others on here, as he has treated me with utter contempt over the past few years especially, and I put up with it, it was only when I nearly died that the ambulance asked the person who called them, who my next of kin was and said his name that I managed to shout NO!!!!! He isn’t, and if I’m honest with myself it’s because I don’t think he would have had my best interests at heart. Terrible, I’ve been so close to someone, been so close in all ways to him, I can’t understand it at all. Can’t imagine how life will go so I’ll have to take it a day at a time from now on. Thank you for replying it’s nice to be seen xx

      • #145544
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        Sadly, as you’ve found out, he’s not a ‘nice’ person. The measure of a man is how he behaves at his worst, in the most challenging situations, and whether he takes responsibility, owns his abuses, if he doesn’t he isn’t a decent person.

        Its so good you are apart from him and his nasty tactics. I hope you are finding some peace and calm in your life now. x

        Warmest wishes

        ts

    • #145390
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Hey help help help what a survivor you are. No contact allows clarity processing and ultimately healing at least in some way.
      A couple of good books about how our body and stress-
      Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers
      And The Body Keeps the Score (quite academic not an easy read)
      Soothe your body and mind – yoga? Water? Mindfulness?
      Take care xx

      • #145396
        Helphelphelp
        Participant

        Hey 😊 I’ve not even taken in what’s happened to me yet, I’m to scared to look into it, but I do know this is all because of the level of stress I’ve been under, my heart rate would go from 80 ish to 145 in seconds when he blew up for nothing. But started to feel stressed about being upset by something and not being able to air it without him kicking off. And it ending up being way over the top for what I’d actually said.
        But I will try and chill myself out and try to smile and enjoy people I’ve not seen for a long time due to being with him. Got lots of other tests and procedures I’ve got to have in the next few weeks and just hope I’ll be ok.
        Life shouldn’t be this hard xx

    • #145405
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Wow this post. Thank you so much for sharing I hope you can soon recover and look after you.
      This made me think.
      Ive been unwell i always thought it was down to me being an idiot as i hurt myself i also punish myself by using food i dont eat much at all. So i thought my illness was self inflicted. My councellor advised me to see a dr which finally i have it seems i have an illness and am seeing a specialist who i hope will help.
      My counsellor says that whilst its not caused by stress a high level of stress and anxiety for a long leriod of time can cause cortisone to buuld up and problems occur from this and other things inside which in turn can cause conditions like mine its nit serious just painful at times and due to not eating i cant take my painkillers so seems hard right now but Im woeking kn it. Anyway i never really believed her until i just read your post im sure not everything can ne blamed on living this life but maybe not everything is my fault either. You have made me think hard sweetie. Thank you xxxx

      • #145416
        Helphelphelp
        Participant

        Hey, 😊 I’ve had days of not eating, then when happy I eat, im anxious and my tummy was constantly upset, soon as I woke I’d be in the toilet while anxiety filled my stomach, it causes ulcers in your bowls and tummy in general, mine split into my stomach due to it. And even though the surgeon said other things could cause it he said stress can be a cause, well he has no idea what kind of stress I or we deal with,
        We know it’s a massive amount and we know we feel ill because of it.
        But I feel we are so used to feeling uneasy or highly aware that we end up taking no notice, as if it’s normal,
        Take care of yourself please, xx

      • #145427
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Bless your heart.
        Mine is slightly different please dont think im crazy but i need to start to admit it all. I (detail removed by moderator). Its not about weight loss at all its about control he controls everything i do but not this. He also hates me thinner so i guess i do it cause i dont want him to want me anymore. Sounds crazy and horrible doesnt it? I am working on upping my cals each day i am trying but its a hard thing to get out your head.
        When i sit and think what i do to myself because of him i cant believe im still here but yet I am.
        Thanks for your kind words sweetie i hope you continue to get stronger and stay safe x*x

      • #145433
        Helphelphelp
        Participant

        Awww bless your heart, one day, we will all be stronger at some point. Xx

      • #145449
        Helphelphelp
        Participant

        I get what your saying, I’ve just read it again.
        Your in control of that so you do it,
        I hope you can be strong and not do anything that can happen you, his not worth that. NONE of them are.
        Be healthy and strong then you will be healthier in your mind to maybe leave when it suits you xx

      • #145468
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thanks sweetie appreciate that feel such a prat for doing it but i just cant seem to stop. Helps to open up and face it.
        Sending you much love and hope x*x

      • #145556
        Helphelphelp
        Participant

        Don’t feel a Pratt lol easy to say, as I’m sure if we were all together we would say, we have all thought that about ourself at some stage. I know I have!!!
        hahahaaa but it didn’t seem to matter because I was loving someone and that’s not a crime, it’s them who commit that ay?? 😉 x*x

      • #145565
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you. I saw my counsellor today who said that i need to stop worrying about him amd how he feels and that i need to put that love and concern into myself b4 its too late. Its so hard isnt it easy to say easy to see in others so hard to see it in ourselves. I hope you see it you sweetie and you continue on your journey foward and upwards. Xxxx

    • #145524
      Anonymous2022
      Participant

      Hi HHH,

      I’m so so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I can only imagine how strong you must be to have managed someone like that AND you’re own increasing illness. And you’re now in the process of trying to heal both your mind AND your body.

      You should be admired and appreciated for what you’ve done and the selflessness you’ve shown. Any half decent person would know that. But abusers are never going to give us the recognition or respect we deserve. He won’t see what a caring, kind, incredibly selfless person you are because that makes his abuse all the more horrible (and it was no doubt horrible).

      I’m healing myself. Not physically but emotionally and that’s hard enough – and it does take physical strength to heal from abuse. So I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. Please above all else be kind to yourself. Replace that horrible voice of your ex in your head with loving kindness. Talk to yourself in your head as if you we’re talking to your best friend. When you feel strong enough (and that can be any time you want there’s no ‘right’ time) you can reach out to services like Victim Support or your GP. They can at least log what’s happened and connect you to local services and support groups. Then self care like mad 🙂 Try and reconnect with what makes you happy – walks, reading, creative things, friends. Or don’t. Lie in bed and sleep or watch trashy tv.

      Just know there’s no ‘right way to heal. You just have to do what feels right for you in that moment. You got this. You really do. If you can survive what you’ve been through you can heal.

      Wishing you love and kindness xx

      • #145542
        Helphelphelp
        Participant

        Awww thank you, that’s lovely, I’m truly going to try and heal, I still feel upset and care, that’s the hardest part, no one else understands, everyone thinks and says I should hate him, and I know I’m normal terms I should, but if I don’t get it I suppose they won’t, thank you so much for the kind word, 🙏🏼 Xx

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