How not to miss him?

[Anabela]

I think it might be over. It was his decision, not mine. i am not sure if he might change his mind. But I know even if he does, i have to stay strong. I dont know if I can though. I miss him. I miss him very very much. The old him. The nice boy I met once. And I do agree that it might not be love, but trauma bond. But I don’t know how to overcome that feeling.
It’s funny how unpredictable he might be. One day he threatens to kill me and wish I die, next day he loves me. One day I am a source of all his problems, the next day he is cute as a kitten (however still with some comments about what I should have done and how I am not a woman he thought i am). And the next day another argument, another stream of hatred. Saying he is gonna come for revenge (????). Saying it is over for good.
I feel so tired and exhausted. The last couple of months been a pure nightmare. So many nights I haven’t slept properly. In debt because of him. Not eating properly either. I am glad I have a job, as it gives me some structure.
I know that life can be good out there. That I can be fun. That I can have a good life if I stay strong and make a good choice. At last.
I speak to my friends ( I am so grateful I still have them!!!) and I can smell the freedom. I could spend time with them as much as I would want (too bad they are very far from me), I could invite them to visit me more often, if I did not have to fear a punishment that follows after. By no means he never says I could not meet them. But after that he makes a point.
I want to be loved and wanted for who I am.
And he probably does not love me.
And I do hope that if it is over for good, I am safe…
But how how how not to miss him? Not to feel sorry for him (he had a tough life and he is not in a good place now)?How not to cling to those ‘good times’ ages ago. How to tell myself that it has to be over before my life is ruined?
And I am disgusted with myself for still wanting him. Someone who spits at my face, who controls me, who calls me names, who never ever cared how low he would make me feel. I wish there was a rehab for abused women…..

[KIP.]

Think of him as a horrible drug addiction. You need to stay away from that drug. Wean yourself off it and never be tempted back. You know you may get a short term high but there’s always a terrible price to pay and that drug may kill you eventually. Trauma is a terrible thing. It plays awful games with your mind. The longer you stay no contact, the quicker the fog of abuse will lift. Eventually you will see him for the nasty self serving abuser that he really is. Meantime just be kind to yourself x

[Anabela]

Thank you KIP. This is a very good comparison.
Today there was another flow of his abuse. I have received tons of texts of him saying he hates me, he wishes I die, he wishes my family dies. Do I really love a person who can wish that for me?
I have been feeling sorry for him. But has he ever felt sorry for me for the pain he caused me? oh, he actually said I deserved the pain I experienced.
At the moment I feel calm. I think I’ve got my closure… Hopefully.
I need to start to change my contacts and run!!!!! I have also been reading a book Should I Stay or Should I Go. That’s a good book and I have just started the chapter if the reason of mistreatment is abuse.
Today I feel calm. I dont feel desperate. I feel I am ready to make a decision. I am tired of how unpredictable he is. I am tired of how everyhing is my fault. He will not change.
I am not a ruined person. I can wake up, pick up my pieces and with my ‘proud walk’ (as he used to say criticizing me on a street) I should walk to happiness.
I hope I hope I hope I will not change my mind and will not get hooked on that drug again…..
I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND IN CHARGE OF MY OWN LIFE. I DESERVE RESPECT AND UNDERSTANDING. I AM NOT A B***H, NOR I AM A COW.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Well done, freedom is there for the taking!

Do expect him to apologise and say he’s sorry and you’re the only woman he’s ever loved. He might not, but beware as they will sometimes try to hoover you back in.

Stay strong 👍🏻

[Ayanna]

Use this as a chance to cut all ties, to go zero contact.
Change your phone number and remove his number from your contact list.

Invite friends so that you are busy and distracted. It will get better with time.

[Anabela]

Thank you both for reply. I am very determined to do this. i think i will keep my number before I change my location, so that I could see if I am safe for now… if i did not know what he is thinking, i would get super paranoid.
the good thing that i am going on holidays for a few days, so it will keep my mind occupied for now.

[KIP.]

Anabela, the super paranoia is a result of the traum he caused you. It’s how abusers keep us hooked in. I know how bad this feeling is. It was hell for me to block him and change my number. Not knowing what he was thinking or upto. This is the kind of dysfunctional thinking that comes with abuse. I was constantly fighting the urge to contact him and make sure he wasn’t going to come back to hurt me. No contact is extremely difficult. It’s like withdrawing from that drug. Please please keep working on total no contact. It’s hard in the beginning but is really the only way to break free. This is where your local women’s aid are a great help. To keep you thinking straight. Remember what you are suffering is a syndrome. Battered wife syndrome. Brain washing and programming by an abuser. It’s important you have someone helping you with your thought pattern. Keep posting on here if you cannot go to your local women’s aid or get some specialist councelling x

[White Rose]

Dear Anabela
Keep your determination to succeed in this.
You have the right to show off your proud walk.
KIP is absolutely right about no contact being the only way to truly break free but I’d agree how hard it is.
Enjoy your holiday, take care and be safe x

[Nova]

Anabela…keep walking proud, just to give you a hug and keep going, KIp description is spot on, trauma bonding…like a drug, brain washing…we have been with them for a long time and they have got into our heads.

Time to get them out out out!
No going back only forward.. We are all together, United with you & each other.

Safely always safety
Cx

[fizzylem]

Hi Anabela, I can relate to this – I loved him for all his faults because I wanted to love. I let go of the dreadful things he did for love and because I am a forgiving person, I wrote a list of the all the things he’d done to cause me hurt and all the things I’d done to him, it was only then that I realised it was him not me, and I’d forgiven him way too much, should have ended it a long time ago.

I can see now that he didnt love me because he doesn’t know how to love, he only said he loved me – his actions never backed this up; and his abuse certainly didn’t say I love you. He did this to get his needs met, for sex, dinner, a roof over his head, money for the things he wanted. This he loves me he loves me not leaves your head in a spin and doubting yourself – its a form of control.

You sound like I did, I wanted so much to believe that he loved me, that we were in love, that he can be a good man but is troubled because of his childhood, it will get better, there are parts of him I love when he is being the best man he can be (when in reality I saw that only a handful of times in the decade we lived together), I made a 1000 excuses for him, because I longed for him to be someone he is not and I wanted to be in love and be loved. Now I am out I can see this all so much more clearly. Its awful to confront this – to remove the filters you have created to then see him for who he really is, that he is cold, heartless, manipulating and concerned with only himself but it is needed.

I think its not about missing him so much for me anymore, its more about missing someone to love, someone to be there for me, to lean on, to make me a brew, to look after me and pick up when I am ill, to share life and to laugh with. I don’t miss him, although I was supposedly in a relationship with him, I have never felt more alone and isolated in my life, more angst and stress, more hurt, more confused, I thought I was going mad at times.

I think you may be missing the person you wanted him to be – not the person he really is – what do you think? x

[Anabela]

Thank you all.
Fizzylem, you couldn’t be more right. I start realizing that I miss someone he has never been and never will be. I thought he is that person in the begining, but that’s how it works – everything is nice in the beginning?
I long to be loved, cared for, wanted, to have a family. To have a safe harbour. Where I can be myself, where I can find comfort in good and bad times. But I have always felt alone and so lost in this so called relationship, because I could not find the comfort at home with him. I did feel for a long time that the only thing I am needed for is sex and money…. (when I came over once recently and said I am on my period, he actually did ask me, so why I did I come)
I want to recover and some time in a future find a person who does care about me. And it is better to be by myself than in a relationship where I constantly feel alone, guilty and ‘making mistakes’ in each possible way.
Is just my question is – how to go no contact. How to tell him this is it. I just can’t tell that in person. Because I thought this is it – and now he acts like nothing happened. But it happened and I ran out of excuses for his anger and of willingness to try harder.
I mean, I cant just run away. I have to tell him this is it. But how? I dont know if he would take it well (after all he was always the one saying he’s done or he hates me, but I dont say theses things back) and he might be thinking now that I am fine with us, while I am not.
Am I safe to go no contact while he at least knows where I work?

[fizzylem]

Hey A, yes its always best to go no contact – because you know that he will manipulate all situations – so going no contact is in part about realising that and that there is simply no other way forwards. Its not running away at all, its a way of you saying loud and clear no more – I’m putting an end to the abuse; its you taking back feeling in control.

You sound as if you think he will attempt to pull on your emotional heart strings, saying or behaving in a way that leads you think he can not cope without you. This is about you now not him, this tactic works well with us caring folk hey, we cant bare the thought of causing anyone distress – the thing is, its not you its him causing you distress in this situation. He is responsible for his own life and nothing that has happened or does happen is your fault – none of it. If you go no contact in a little time this will help you to gain the clarity you need to see things as they really are. It gives you the head space you need.

You don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to. He shouldn’t contact you at work – but unfortunately abusers do trample all over boundaries hey, if you feel worried he might, do you feel you could discuss this with your boss? You dont have to go into it in any great detail, you could ask him/her for help with what to do should the situation arise as you dont want to speak with him as you can see the only way to deal with him now is to have no contact at all, you are hoping it wont happen but if he does try to harass you at work, it will be incredibly stressful and so it would help you to know they are aware, you have their support and that there is also a plan of action to help protect you. If you have a plan and he calls and gets no where he will soon give that up as an option. You need to think about what you need to do in order to feel safe x

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