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Iv been promised callbacks and spoken to womens aid who initially said you could get a non molestation order and an occupation order by when I called these people they said its too late – it has to be within 10 days of a police incident and it was well past it. I did call the police on him after a minor assult and he was arrested. Then my daughter had to isolate immediately after so I just stayed in doors feeling really depressed not doing much – the police officer said he would refer me to various charities but in those(detail removed by moderator) no one contacted me, only a social works who said she had herd from the police that Said I felt I had to call and report him. That (detail removed by moderator) he was ringing me and being extremely nice, I don’t have any friends so he was the only person I’m talking to. I then contacted a company who said it’s not guaranteed I would get a non mol or occupation order with very little evidence and sighed down the phone so I felt like I was bothering them. I called my local dv place and told her the things he had been doing to me and she did a marrac but I still didn’t hear from anyone. So feeling like I wasn’t getting anywhere I decided to help him find somewhere else to live and dropped the charges. Then the social worker calls me has a massive go at me saying I’m not cooperating with anyone like the police ect and said She is considering a child protection order, based on my own report and that I’m putting my children at risk. I called the national domestic abuse helpline and the again said its too late now for a non mol, it has to be within 10 days – why didn’t anyone tell me this initially then I might have been able to do it and this is also my fault for burying my head in the sand those(detail removed by moderator) and not knowing who to contact. I ended up calling my doc and getting signed off work for all the stress this is causing me and gave sleeping pills as I haven’t slept everything keeps going through my head. I dont want to be with him anymore and I know im putting myself at risk everytime I see him – theres always different rules for me and I can already feel his anger when I’m calling to sort practicle matters out. She said I need to work with these services but no one gets in contact – so how do I actually get this help they want me to work with? Who so you actually call? My local womens aid just says things like you ‘could’ get counselling but how do you go about it? I don’t want to the the ss anything more as they are just using it against me and they are calling him and telling him what Ive said – this provokes him and makes it even more risky for me, he has threatened me with a knife in his hand before and I don’t know if he woild one day just snap and use it. I just feel stuck – dammed if I help him move out and dammed if I don’t.
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The thing is if I tell people the things he’s done and I don’t then get a non mol ect it puts me at significant risk if he knows Iv told. If I just keep it to myself and help him then I’m much safer though not ideal, so I feel like it’s the lesser risk at this moment. Just feeling so so down today, talking anout these things upsets me, at least if I bury it I feel alright. I’ve been doing everything on my own for a long time anyway just feel like I want to shut the doors and never come out again.
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It’s difficult to think straight when we are traumatised. Is he living away from you now? If so, now is the time to go zero contact and show the police and social services that you understand the danger contact is putting you in. Some people don’t understand domestic abuse, all they see is you having contact with someone you’re telling them is dangerous. Absolutely zero contact once he’s removed from your home. He’s not your responsibility and if you want a non mol then tell him not to contact you again. Then when he continues to do so you report him for harrassment. Do you have an advocacy worker who has been assigned to you by your local women’s aid?
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He is Livng at his freinds house as a short term solution but they are seriously overcrowded so he has said he wants to come home and I said no, so he said he doesnt have anywhere else to go so he will. He (detail removed by moderator) so unable to do these things himself, So i then found him a room to rent. I had an initial call from them saying they would assign me someone but that never followed it up. I’m not prepared to file for a non mol if there is a chance he won’t get it, and all the legal advice I have had has said there is no guarantee its down to the court on the day, especially as its not within a recent police involvement. If he finds out that Iv told and there is nothing in place he’s going to punish me, maybe not straight away but it will come up. I can’t go zero contact because he is calling me to see our kids and they don’t want to see him alone, plus there is practicle things to sort out. The only reason Iv told is to get help but is not been forthcoming so what do they expect me to do in the meantime?
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Honestly my biggest regret was asking for help in the first place because All its done is cause me a load of stess from the social services, they were never involved before. I wish I could just take back everything Iv said and just kept it secret because now Iv got to face the shame of people knowing too.
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Hi BrokenMe
I’m so sorry to read about what you are being put through by your abuser and the system. You have been so brave reaching out for help, please keep faith that it was the right thing to do. Breathe deeply and continue to be strong, hold your grounds.
Here are some resources to empower yourself;
Safe No Sorry research document by Women’s Aid and Family Rights Group to help you being heard and treated fairly by the system and your rights as a mother protected.
I would challenge the social worker – with assistance from Family Rights Group or WA- to put her threat about child protection order in writing please. Ask her why it is important for your children to be safe? Have her spell out exactly why, how and when the children are in danger (when being in presence of the abuser due to his abusive behaviour) and their rights to safety and abuse free life. You can use this as evidence later down the line when starting custody battle as reminder to courts when they suddenly decide to forget the dangers
he poses to your children in favour of his parental rights.
Use every single written proof from all professionals, be it for or against you as evidence that he is a danger to yourself and your children.Family Rights Group
https://www.frg.org.uk/Safe Not Sorry research document from Women’s Aid
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/FINAL-Safe-not-sorry-FOR-WEB-JAN-2016.pdfGood luck, keep strong and uphold your own human rights and those of your children💪
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Thank you HopeLifeJoy not heard of FRG, think this is what I need at this stage as I do feel like they are blaming me. When reaching out for help I wasn’t expecting to be told I’m putting my kids at risk – everything Iv been doing is to take them out of fhe risk. I don’t feel like I can be honest at all now because it’s just going to be held against me, I did try going to my doctor but I can’t be honest to him either in case he tells the ss. I don’t really care what he does to me anymore, I was damaged goods before I met him. He used to make me feel so safe and wanted and all the hurt from the past dissappeared when I was in his arms, but that was a long time ago, I can’t remember the last time we kissed or cuddled it’s been years. I didn’t want sex with him anymore but knew he was going to do what he wanted regardless so I would just let him behind me so I didn’t have to look at him and get it over with a quick as possible, no kissing just straight to it. I’ve made some pretty questionable life choices myself – lots of things I’m not proud of, but all in the past. My life finally made sense when I had my kids, they gave me a reason to live and I thought I was protecting them staying with him and letting him take his anger out on me, But I dont want them to witness it anymore or me retaliating. They said to me yesterday they have so much more freedom since he has been out of the house, he had all these rules that they weren’t allowed to do so many normal things kids do, like playing with toys – he just saw it as mess. At the moment he is saying he doesn’t want custody and I’m hoping that doesn’t change he’s not capable of looking after then with his drinking problem. Just trying to take it step by step now and hope the ss back off.
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I guess the sad the truth is these companies haven’t got the resources to offer support to everyone, with so many in the same situation as me. It’s just so disheartening that the SS are saying I have to work with them when I try and they never get back to me or call when they say they will, and theres no way ill ever speak about what he has done to me again now, I can’t trust anyone. I’m just happy I finally got him out, Iv been begging him to leave for a long time and he has always refused to go or let me go. It must hurt his feelings too that I reject him but he was constantly telling I’m so fat and unattractive so why would I want to do anything with him? I am fat I comfort eat a lot so it’s not untrue what he is saying. I just hope now that I can finally move on. (detail removed by Moderator) he is moving from his freinds house to the shared room, Iv packed all stuff and will drop it off outside. He’s asked for my (detail removed by Moderator) that he contributed minimally towards – I said fine just have it. Thanks everyone for your messages of support x
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*support services not companies – I don’t know what to call them
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