How soon is too soon?

[Sad sunflower]

Hello ladies,

I’ve just started dating someone and I’m afraid it wasn’t a good idea. I’ve been friends with this guy for almost (detail removed by moderator).

Anyway, we went out a couple of weeks ago and he told me he’d been in love with me for a long time. I confessed I had feelings for him too. Now we are in a relationship and I am not sure it is a good idea. I like him a lot and I do have feelings for him but I am so scared I’ll get hurt again. It all just seems to be happening so fast. He’s nice and caring. I like that he’s not controlling and gives me space, but at the same time this whole thing makes me very anxious and I don’t know why. I cannot believe how hard it is for me to have a normal relationship. Every time I go out with my friends I feel the need to text him to let him know where I am and even send pictures (something my ex used to make me do to make sure I wasn’t cheating) and he keeps reminding me I don’t need to do that; he actually trusts me and that’s weird to me.

I thought my friends would be happy for me but they all keep saying it’s too soon and that just adds to my anxiety. I’ve made it clear I am not ready for sex yet (mainly because I had sex with another guy a few weeks ago and it left me feeling awful!) and he’s been so understanding. It also makes me uncomfortable that he lives (detail removed by moderator) and I don’t know if I can handle long distance again. My psychiatrist told me I should wait at least 1 year before dating again and it’s only been (detail removed by moderator) The thing is I don’t want to break up with him, I don’t want to hurt him and anxiety aside, he makes me happy. However, I feel like I still have trouble establishing boundaries. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, I’m a mess right now.

Oh and the guilt! It’s crazy but I feel like I need my ex’s permission to date this guy. I am afraid my ex will contact me again, I’m afraid he’ll find out and try to hurt me, or worse, try to hurt him as he has always hated this guy. I don’t love my ex anymore but yesterday I missed him, I cried all night feeling guilty, wondering what is wrong with me. I know I am not quite ready for a new relationship but at the same time, I feel happy with him so I don’t know what to do.

[Lisa]

Hi Sad sunflower,

Thanks for your post and for sharing what’s happening for you. No one can tell you what to do in this situation, but I would encourage you to listen to your instinct. It sounds like this new relationship is causing you quite a lot of anxiety, which is completely understandable. All of your feelings are natural having been through an abusive relationship; you may need to let them rise and give yourself some time and space to work through them.

Keep posting,

Lisa

[Anabela]

I am quite looking forward to read the opinion of other women on this topic. I personally set myself 2 year goal not to date anyone / not to like anyone. However, I can feel that I am missing to have that someone. Although the idea of relationship still freaks me out and even a simple conversation with a man makes me think too much and analyze too much. Not even talking that whenever I look at a man (even if random one on a street) my first thought – how he treats his woman. Is he respectful or a bully. And I tend to draw my conclusions quickly. So I guess I am far from being ready to step into dating world.. Although my friends say the opposite.

[HopeLifeJoy]

I am way to messed up to be dating anyone. I don’t even know who I am anymore so I am not interested in a man right now.
I think I’ll be ready when I get my life back on track, job and social life, just being able to hang out with friends and family and learn to laugh again.
I sure do want another relationship but recovery comes first. You know, slowly but surely.

[sparkleandshine]

Hi,
I totally get where you’re coming from. I guess my question would be, are you comfortable with yourself enough yet to be in a new relationship? I certainly wasn’t and jumped into something two-footed and because I was still so vulnerable I ended up in too deep and it wasn’t making me happy. The after effects of that I feel have been really damaging to my self esteem. So take a moment to see if you’re happy with yourself and your confidence. Most importantly, make the right decision for you – because you matter 😊

[Borntobefree]

Its been a few years since I left my ex.. I want too start dating again but at the same time I loving my own space and doing what I want in life without control.. Trust your gut instincts if you doubting your new relationship and want advice.. Break free now till you are really ready X

[survivorandproud]

Hi sad sunflower,

I’m kind of exactly in your position. Left my ex a while ago now but I haven’t been seeking anyone new or talking to anyone. But I’m quite happy at the moment. I think if I found someone who I liked and who I thought was genuine I would just go for it! Do not let your ex still control your life. Sometimes I feel lonely and I think god should I go looking or put myself on a dating app, but I do think things just happen naturally. I am quite nervous for my next relationship as I feel like I am so tuned into how an abusive relationship goes I’ve sort of forgot what a ‘normal’ relationship is. But honestly everything happens for a reason and do what makes you happy!! Stay strong x

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