How to be strong?

[threesisters]

New to the forum and need some advice. I have recently left my husband who I have been with for just short of 2 decades who is physically and emotionally abusive. Not quite ready to tell my whole story but what I would like to ask is how I stop answering to him even now we have split? He does not accept the split and I keep being blamed for everything and told that I am having a breakdown and that is why I have left. He is texting and calling all the time and I feel like I have to answer to let him know that I am not doing anything I shouldn’t be doing. If I don’t reply to his text straight away he calls me to find out what I am up to. I have a daughter and am trying to keep things amicable for her so she can still see him to keep normality for her.
I suppose what I would like to know is if anybody else has been in this situation where even though they have split from their partner they still feel like they have to explain themselves and like they cannot do what they want without telling their partner what they are doing. Everybody keeps telling me that it has nothing to do with him and I don’t have to tell him what I am doing or answer his texts or calls, to ignore him and turn off my phone but I know that this would annoy him. Can anybody tell me that they have been like this and that it will pass and I will get stronger and be able to ignore him one day? I want to be able to be strong enough to realise that he cannot control me anymore and that I can do what I want to do. I just cannot see an end to any of this. I just want to be able to break free and start finding myself again but I cannot do it because I am still letting him control my life. Sorry if this message is all over the show. I am so fed up now and it is wearing me down and I feel like I am going crazy doubting myself and everything. Why am I allowing him to make me feel so down and sad even though I am not with him anymore? Will I always feel like this? Will I always worry about what he is thinking or if I will make him mad by doing something I know he will not like? Will he ever move on and let me be free? I wish I could see the future, does anybody else feel this way?

[HunkyDory]

Hi threesisters welcome to the forum and well done for sharing your story.

The only way you are going to break free is by cutting contact. Yes it will be hard but that is the only way. Arrange contact through a third party – family member or friend. Change your number & block him on all social media. Yes he’ll be annoyed, of course he will because he thinks the world revolves around him. So what. Look after yourself. You are experiencing what we call the fog: fear obligation and guilt – even though you’ve done nothing wrong. And the only way to help you past it and make the fog clear is having zero contact.
We’re all here to help you through it – I was where you are a few months ago and I’m so much better now there’s no contact.

You don’t have to answer to him. He’s in this position because of his behaviour- not yours.

Keep posting for support, and think seriously about taking the first steps to your freedom xx

[Lisa]

Hi threesisters,

Welcome to the Forum. It’s perfectly normal to be feeling the way you are feeling; the separation and healing process can take time and the people around you will have to accept this. You can only do things at your own pace.

You will have options for cutting that contact when you are ready. It’s understandable you’re trying to keep the situation as calm as possible for your daughter’s sake. It might be worth looking into getting some legal advice around the child contact if you need to? Lots of perpetrators will use the children to keep that contact in place; sometimes long after the relationship has ended. Rights of Women can offer free legal advice on their family law advice line, or your local domestic abuse service should also be able to help you access this too.

Your local domestic abuse service may also be able to give you some emotional support with everything. It sounds like you’re wanting to stop contact but you’re not feeling strong enough within yourself to do this, so it might be worth just focusing on building yourself back up again; domestic abuse can have a massive effect on confidence and self-esteem.

Keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[starqueen]

I think this is normal for someone in your situation. My situation involved a family member so not exactly the same, but I definitely can relate to feeling like you have to answer to the other person. If there’s been control or you’ve felt you had to change your behaviour so they don’t kick off I think it’s understandable that you’d still feel like you have those restrictions on you. Hang in there, you’ll keep getting stronger and stronger every day in small ways but they’ll all add up. No contact was one of the best things I ever did too.

[Anonymous]

Hi, this sounds like I could have wrote what you are saying and it is so much easier said than done to not reply and to turn your phone off but it will ware you down I got to the point where I told my ex that I can’t reply to his messages unless they were about or child so he was aware the reason why he wasn’t getting a response from me. There is only so many times you can tell them that you arnt giving them another chance or so many times that you tell them you are not with someone else. The constant messages didn’t stop even with no reply so my next step was to put my phone on aeroplane mode I felt like that was my little baby step at getting control of when I would receive his messages i could prepare myself for when they came through to my phone when I took aeroplane mode off. I still did not reply unless it was about my child. Things got complicated with contact with my child as I felt he was playing games so after a lot of thought I went to a solicitor now has sent a letter for arrangements and they advised him contact needs to be done respectfully and without harrasment. It hasn’t completely worked but the messages guilt tripping and blame have became fewer a great deal from the letter not completely stopped but has made it that little bit more bareable where I have found myself not having to use aeroplane mode for the past week or so.

It really does sound so hard to do with not replying to him but it needs done and it does make you angry when they say things you naturally want to defend yourself and feel the need to explain.but there is no point because once they get something into there head they will not change there view in there head no matter what you say to them.

[Findmyself]

Hi I was in your position when I first moved the ex out. He bombarded me with texts phone calls and kept coming to the house. I felt the need to keep up the contact and be nice as I felt bad about hurting him and I wasn’t sure how to put myself first.
It got worse and worse with the contact to the point he moved himself back in and said he stay on the sofa until I came to my senses. This was the final straw for me and I knew that unless I stood up for what I wanted it was never going to happen. It took me (detail removed by moderator) weeks to get him out again and a visit from the police. Since this time I have changed the locks and gone email contact only about child arrangements I have blocked his number and deleted him from social media. This is a really difficult thing to do it is final and like cutting away part of you but so necessary to give you the breathing space to think and process everything and start to heal. There are still days when I want to tell him something or speak to him but I find something else to do until this passes. Just do it when you’re ready x*x

[Author]

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