How to cope with the trauma.

[Shewillbeloved]

Hello ladies.

I left my abuser last year. Since then we have gone through court for custody of my son. (detail removed by moderator) He used court to carry on controlling me and I believe he is still doing this through my son. He fed the court a lot of lies and i didn’t have a chance to address them.

Since court has finished I am filled with a lot of anger towards my ex. I struggle with flashbacks. I have his voice in my head saying I’m not good enough constantly. It’s affecting my life. I want him to not have this affect on me anymore. How do I move on? How do I get myself back to me? Me before I met him?

As for my son. I plan on taking this back to court when I have healed. I’m not ready for it yet. But I do worry my ex is telling my son things. He comes out saying some strange things. (detail removed by moderator). I have him every other weekend so I’m trying my best to show him that I love him and teach him. But with such a short amount of time. Any difference I make is gone when he goes back to his dad.

Is there anyone who has been through similar? Any advice or tips? I’m weary of going through my dr as he used my mental health against me in court. Which by the way has improved massively since I left.

Thank you for reading
Xx

[Lisa]

Hi Shewillbeloved,

Understandably you are emotionally and psychologically affected by what you have experienced (and still do) with your ex-partner. It’s important you receive the emotional and practical help you need to heal from the abuse you experienced and challenge the arrangement with child contact.

You could talk all this through in more detail with your local domestic abuse service. They often have group or one-to-one support available. They can provide both emotional and practical help and advice around the continued manipulation and emotional abuse you are going through as well as child contact concerns.

For further emotional support, you can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

You could also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200 or visit their website at http://www.supportline.org.uk.

The Coram Children’s Legal Centre provide free legal resources with advice and information on all aspects of family, child and education law, including relationship breakdown; parental disputes, duties of children’s services; child protection. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480 (8am-6pm, Mon-Fri).

Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. Their Family law advice line can advise around domestic abuse; divorce, finances, cohabitation and property in relationship breakdown; parental responsibility and child arrangements.

Family Rights Group advise parents, grandparents, relatives and friends about their rights and options when social workers or courts make decisions about their children’s welfare. They offer advice, advocacy and campaigns for families whose children are involved with or require social services care. They also provide helpful advice sheets on all aspects of dealing with social services. They are available on 0808 801 0366 (9.30am-3pm, Mon-Fri).

Unfortunately, we know that it is not uncommon for abusers to continue their control after separation via the courts and child contact. Please know you are not alone. I’m sure many of the women here can relate very much to what you are going through.

Take care,

Lisa

[Breadandroses]

I read your post. It is so soon after you left and the courts are a trauma in themselves.

I hid my trauma for fear he would use it against me I coped but now many years later I am finally talking to a counsellor I would say take care of yourself niw don’t wait
You have a child and I had a young child back then. (detail removed by Moderator) Just keep records and write everything down. Don t talk only text if you have to so it is recorded. Be clear if you have found comments abusive and state you wish to end conversation etc etc Eventually it ended up with the police getting involved. Not because I called them but he kept doing it saying he had welfare concerns as apparently I was an alcoholic and they would come to my house st all hours and check my fridge, cupboards, etc and my daughter. I think he thought if he kept doing it they would find something I found it so distressing and the police realised. They interviewed me in my house and for once I was just honest and hid nothing. I told them what I thought were minor things and I could see by their reactions and further questions they didn’t . The police were the ones who stopped it. And they are a public service. They just care about safety and the law. I absolutely freaked out when they said they would ask him in to the station. I said I had just told them because I was so worn out with it all and wanted them to know I was a good mother. I thought it was me in trouble. I have to tell you they got it.i told them I had had mental health issues as a result of everything and they were like that is normal!!! I even told them that I had abused him when I slammed a door on his foot when he was trying to get in my house. He used to insist on coming into my house when he collected my daughter. I refused one day and pushed the door closed and when he kept pushing it I slammed it as hard as I could and his foot was there. Aĺl they said was how many times had you asked him to not come in to your home. I had it on text that I had asked him to wait outside. I was terrified to tell them. Honestly I had been so scared I had done that. What I m trying to say is my ex was arrogant, educated and wealthy. He thought everyone would believe him they did t in the end (detail removed by Moderator). but go to the police or record it all no matter how trivial to show them. Even if it takes time. I was in contact with them a while before they arrested him but they would phone me and check on me. I was under a team.
As far as my child, I had the money so I was lucky but I asked my gp to recommend a child therapist and they spoke vwith CAMHS and recommended one and then I told him this person is a professional and all they care about is her welfare so she has eyes on her and it won t be me in court saying she has said x,y,z it will be them.she only used to go once a fortnight and she loved it they played and painted and at the end i would collect her and we would sit together and she could give me a message if she wanted.she still remembers it as a good thing.So you know .we do it for our children but don t forget yourself. Keep records and trust that eventually they show themselves up if I had been what he said I was her school would have been jumping up and down for starters.

[Author]

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