How to find the strength to go?

[Mellowyellow]

I am at the point where i need to go. Feel so desperate dont know how to. Feel so low, sorry i cant even write coherently anymore, so mentally beaten down after years of mental abuse, constant criticism, no help with our daughter just being told to get on with it.
Anyway, he has said in the past that i dont have a stake in the house, we joint own it but he paid a huge chunk off wuth equity earnt from his previous home, one that i had contributed to. He wanted me to sign something to say if we split up id only get half of any equity earnt, over the money he put in. I managed to grt him to forget about me signing it. I guess it sounds fair but i would have our daughter and would essentially have nothing.
I am so worn down, i get headaches, feel exhausted, get panic attacks yet i feel i cant leave, it’s scary. Feel guilty to break a family up yet i hate him, he has eroded me. Yet i forgive him. It’s insane. Im controlled and made to feel like utter c**p.
Thanks for listening x

[KIP.]

I was where you are. I clawed my way out. Begin with a women’s Aid support worker and good legal advice. My women’s aid lady came with me. You will be entitled to far more than he’s telling you. You are not breaking up a family. He did that the day his abuse began x

[Mellowyellow]

Thanks KIP. Iremember speaking to you before. I will call tomorrow and get some help. Just got constant character assassination, i feel so rubbish. He also threw the dog cos she kept whining and threw her. I yelped as i saw it and my parents were downstairs i couldnt speak for hakf an hour i was in shock. Do i report him? I just want him away from me and my daughter, he will try and fight me for her. I am half of who i was mentally and my family dont know wbat to do, they are in denial. His treatment of the dog is scary i think? X

[KIP.]

My ex used to kick punch and throw my dog. It’s a way to control us through fear. Even vets are receiving training to spot domestic abuse because so often the pets are getting hurt. They don’t have a voice. Poor animal. It’s very scary behaviour and dangerous. Of course he will deny it. You could report him to the police but only once you are safe. Please tell someone just now so you have a record of it. You could report it to the police and ask them not to take action until you are safe. Hopefully women’s aid can help you escape safely. Remember the FoG of abuse. The Fear the Obligation and the Guilt. Can you go and stay with your family? Trust your gut x

[Lightness]

Mellowyellow

Some advice I was given when I was trying to leave:

– remember that when he is criticising you, he is really criticising himself – these men have very low self esteem to the point of hating themselves. They project this inner worthlessness onto us. So for example, if mine told me I was stupid, I would remember that we was basically showing me that he felt stupid and inferior to me. So try not to internalise any of his criticism because it is nonsense.

– it’s hard to leave but you CAN do it. Each day, just put one foot in front of the other. Bit by bit you will get there. You’re stronger than you think. The helpline will help you.

You will be entitled to more – he is just trying to manipulate you into staying. Mine tried all sorts of tricks which were nonsense.

Lx

[Mellowyellow]

Thanks ladies. Oh KIP poor you, it is so frughtening to watch, it’s so unfair. Oh my gosh, that’s interesting about the vets. Yes not sure who to report it to, but need to make a note. I should have reported him when he grabbed me, i have a picture of my arm with marks. Thank you, yes unforthnately or fortunately i guess, my family are a county away, i eill have to leave my job and my daughter not say bye to her friends at nursery, that is the worst guilt. She loves the workers and the kids, i will mess up her early years by moving her? I feel distraught, my poor baby not seeing them all again, they love her.

Thank you both. Yes lightness, i read that too. He has many insecurities which he doesnt vocalise but i can tell. I feel weaker than ever, i just want to curl up in a ball and have someone look after me. I hope i can be me again. You are out safe too?

Thank you i cant wait to be free. No time limits, no criticising, no limiting phone use, trlling me im loud, bad atmospheres, fear. You’ve helped. I will do it very soon. Just need this guilt to go. X

[Tiffany]

If your child is very young she is likely to bounce back very quickly from a change in school. My parents moved a lot when I was young, and it wasn’t as easy to stay in touch with people as it is now. I lost all of my preschool and early years friends but can’t say I ever noticed the loss particularly. It’s a bit harder when you are older, but still, I would imagine as an adult who has lived through abuse, much easier than growing up in an abusive family.

[Mellowyellow]

Has anyone else felt desperate? Im worried i am going to have a breakdown, been acting normally at work, feel like i lead a double life and it’s crashing down now. Do you grt back to norma, once they’re gone and you’re free? Hard when you havea child together x

[Mellowyellow]

Thanks Tiffany, she is only (age removed by moderator). Sorry my spell check isnt working!
Thank you that helps. I think I am just not thinking about the bigger picture enough. Keep thinking i am in the wrong. I wish i’d gone when she was few months old, so i dont want to be saying the same another couple years down the line. X

[Tiffany]

I think a newborn is enough for any new mother to cope with! Don’t feel bad that you didn’t leave then. But looking at the big picture then this is probably a good time to leave. Lots of children move in their early years education, and others will go to the nursery attached to one school the change and go to school somewhere different. I know one woman who put her kids to nursery then homeschooled and lots of others who didn’t go to nursery but straight to school. So there are always lots of changes in those age groups and honestly, after a couple of weeks you can’t tell who is new and who isn’t.

Given that he is abusive I would probably say leave anyway, regardless of what age your kid was, but from the point of view of impact on education, early years is the least noticeable. I found my moves in primary and secondary school harder for slightly longer, but all in all it wasn’t too bad.

[Mellowyellow]

Also sorry to hear you grew up with abuse. It is evil x

[Lightness]

Hi Mellow yellow

Yes, I got out. Best decision I ever made.

Yes I too felt desperate and like I might go crazy. I had days where I could barely stand up. One of the best pieces of advice I got at that stage was to simply put one foot in front of another. I was able to do that and I put in place everything I needed to escape.

You ask about going back to normal. Firstly, what I would say is the longer we stay in an abusive relationship the more damage is done – so I wish I had left earlier. Secondly I would say it gets a lot better when you leave – I now have a second chance whereas with him it was like my life was over. Thirdly, after leaving we go through a period of healing and growth. We have to grieve the relationship we wanted to have. We have to be kind to ourselves and learn how to put ourselves first.

You talk about the guilt. That is very normal. It is part of the FOG – fear, obligation, guilt that they instill in us over the years. Why should we be the ones to feel guilty after all the abuse? You may find you are unable to get rid of feelings of guilt until after you have left and you get a more objective understanding of him and also increase your self love.

You are not alone

Lx

[Mellowyellow]

Thanks Lightness, that’s great advice, just small steps and working towards the end goal of freedom and release. Oh the Fear Obligation and Guilt makes so much sense!not heard of that but that’s me everyday. Well done for leaving, are you so much happier? Was it hard? I’m so sad that i have done this to myself, i had a gut feeling from the beginning but i just carried on. Hope the anxiety goes, do you feel ok now? I just hope i am me again, i will take your advice and take time tk heal. Thanks so much x

[Lightness]

Hi Mellow yellow

Leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I knew it was the right thing to do but I was isolated so didn’t have any help from anyone. It took all of my strength. It was also hard because he seemed to sense a change in me because the abuse escalated and I had to just act normal. I was very scared.

I’m in a much better place now that I have left. I am still healing – it takes time. I’m kind and patient to myself. I have learned a huge amount since leaving. I think we go through personal growth once we leave. They break us down and we have to rebuild ourselves. They erode our identity and we have to reconnect to who we really are. I have met a lot of lovely people since leaving and I still doesn’t cease to amaze me how lovely people can be – because he was so awful.
I feel I have turned a corner in my recovery process recently. I work full time and I’m taking some big steps to rebuild my life the way I want it to be.

Sending you positive energy

Lx

[Lightness]

PS. It’s only natural that you feel so anxious right now. You’re in a stressful situation and your head is probably very busy with thoughts. That’s exhausting.

[Mellowyellow]

Thanks ladies. Youre right Tiffany, im just very sentimental, guess why i have not left yet but i need to think of the bigger picture.
Thanks lightness, so glad to hear youre doing well! Gives me hope!
Ok so i left todaythen ended up back!
This morning it was 9am and he’d not woken up. I went to wake him as sometimes he says 9am is too late to sleep on a weekend. Me and my daughter were playing on the bed, he then started screaming and told us to grt out, how dare i wake him. I then took my daughter out of the room, i lost it and grabbed a light top and sort of flicked it at him. He then grabbed me, three me on the bed, started shouting and pointing saying dont i ever hit him ill be sorry etc. I cant remember as i wss terrified, i thought this is it, this is where he kills me or seriously hurts me. I could see our daughter in the doorway watching. I got up and my shin was bruised frkm hitting the bed frame where he pulled me. I was going to visit family anyway, i took important docs but nothung else. Then i got talked jnto coming back by family as i had no stuff for me and my daughter. Anyway so he said he did nothjng wrong, it was me who started it. So that confirms it, he has no concept that what he did was wrong. Shall i go tomorrow? He says he isnt going to work until mid morning and i have work and daughter nursery first thing so i eont be able to come back to get clothes again. Feel stuck x

[endoftherainbow]

Hello, I once thought I would never be strong enough to leave for good, I would go for a few days, weeks, months even but always be drawn back by promises. I picked a day I knew he would be at work, I rang the police, they came to my home while I packed, just in case he came back, then I went. Its not been easy and I still struggle, but the good outweighs any cons, just to be free and calm. I realise that he will never change, he is the one at fault, not me, its all in his head not mine, I see all that now. I have a restraining order and have no contact at all, neither do my kids, their choice. I hope you find the strength to leave, and stay away, there is so much support on here regardless what you do, good luck and big hugs xxxx

[godschild]

I remember you when you were on here before Mellow Yellow, Please leave, I wish I had decades ago when I had My Parents alive and my children at home and was not too ill to do it.

He has thrown the dog it could be you or your daughter next that he throws, my children resented the fact that they grew up with abuse, your little girl is better to make a fresh start now away from abuse than witness what he did to you yesterday, that is so much more important than her temporary friends now.

You have family, an opportunity for support and a new life right away from him.

As soon as it is safe to do so pack what you need and go whilst you have the opportunity

[Mellowyellow]

End of the rainbow, so glad you got out, my plan sounds similar to hoe you got out. He has just left i need to get some stuff together but my daughter is all cuddly. He didnt even try kiss me goodbye not that i care. Feel so nervy god knows how ill drive back to parents.
I feel mean, he asked if i could cook up some food for tonight and i was acting normally. Such guilt! Xx

[godschild]

Forgot to say mine used to be horrible to our puppy, he put her out of the car when I did not please him, he used to be pretty rough with her, they resent animals, they want all of the attention, harming pets is common. I gave mine to my parents in the end, this was decades ago and its all come back reading about animals, he used to put her bed out at night and yell, “get on your bed” , I remember her cowering and running past him quickly to get on the bed

[fridges]

Hello, Mellowyellow,
I’m sorry that you are feeling very down. There will be days when you are very broken and powerless, but then you do not give up. Let yourself time to grieve and be upset, but then always turn to what helps you to cope.
For me it is reading the books – which are about getting out from the abuse, manipulation, mental abuse, how to spot it and how to cope with it. I write down the things which inspire me, which give me the strength, on my bad days, I try to reread and carry on with letting go. You did big step – you speak about your situation. I was silent for years and this makes worse everything. If I opened up to someone and tell the truth what is going on, it would saved me much earlier.
I call help lines on my bad days, when I have flashbacks and feel scared. I remind myself the life which I would like to have and that I need to build this life.
Or write the things, then burn them.
I make a plan and promises how I would like my life to be.

[Lightness]

Hi mellow

Are you able to pack up the things you need and leave?

Well done for leaving once!

The abuse tends to escalate when you go back so please be very cautious

It sounds like your family don’t understand the severity of your situation. Your safety is much more important than possessions.

He made you feel terrified and you thought he would kill you. That will continue to happen if you don’t leave, and the next abusive incident could be even worse

Lx

[Mellowyellow]

Hey ladies, thanks all for your kind messages. Hey Godschil yes i remember you too 🙂 here i am months later and ive gained momentum. It really helps to hear all your stories.

Thanks Lightness. Yes i need to be strong. I have decided i must go today. I am sad and scared, i ferl sad that my daughter wont see her friends and that she wont have a daddy around all the time but i know i need to do it. I am going to ring 101 to log incidents. I spoke to him last night about the altercation and his response was frightening. He said i struck him! And he wanted to intimidate me and show me who is boss so i wouldnt try that again! He said he wouldnt hit me but thats what they all say. Anyway yes Lightness i must remember the fear i felt. It is amazing how you can forget only days later!

My father is at a funeral today so i am being brave, i am going to pack some bits and go. I feel sad for my daughter not having all her toys, fact she wont have a room to herself. Silly stuff! Feel immense guilt…it’s the FOG! Hope that goes.

Thank you all so much, this time no going back! My friend said what will it take, next time i could be in hospital. Cant risk that for my daughter or family. When i am out and safe in time i want to help others. I am a survivor or extreme pregnancy sickness and now abuse. Well abuse with that too.

I feel sick and shaky and nervous. I still weirdly care for him although he is so mean.

Keep you posted all. He is still asleep so waiting for him to go to work. Much love xx

[Mellowyellow]

I cant even think where my parents keys are, he woudlnt let me put them on my key ring he said i had too many keys and they were too bulky, made me take keyrings off. What a mad thing to control me over now i think about it!

[Tiffany]

It makes sense, not letting you have your parents keys easy to access. Honestly it wouldn’t surprise me if he has hidden them – he doesn’t want you to be able to go there whenever you like. I hope you can find them. If you can’t then go anyway. And then, I hate to be overcautious, but the idea of my ex having keys to my house is terrifying, I would get your parents locks changed.

Regards your stuff and your kids toys, stuff can be replaced. Life, your time, her early memories and so on cannot. Get the important stuff (documents, some clothes, a favourite toy, anything you are really sentimentally attached to) and get out. I am assuming that you have a couple of hours. If it’s less then documents, clean underwear and get out! Also I am assuming as your father is at a funeral he isn’t coming to help you move. If you don’t have a car then my experience is that taxi men are hugely helpful at getting you out of places fast. My sister once came to mine with all her belongings in black bags (in her case she was escaping fleas not men) she was sat on the kerb with all her stuff and he had her out of there before he asked a single question. I had a similar experience when I left. He even turned the meter off while he helped me move all my stuff into my new place.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Sending strength and hugs mellow! Xx

[Mellowyellow]

Tnanks Rock, how are you? I feel awful, he has rung me crying and saying sorry etc and wants us to come home. What is wrong with me, i want to go. Feel so sad, dont feel free. I feel so lame x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hiya Mellow. I have replied to your other reply on my ‘need to leave’ post too. But I just wanted to say again well done for getting out!! I am made up for you. You’ve been so brave! I know it might not seem like it now but you’ve done great. I can’t really talk because I’m not out yet but its understandable that you’re not feeling free yet, from what I understand the healing process takes a while so it’s completely normal to be wanting your own home, your own things and your normal routine. He will probably play on that though and like you said in your other reply to me he’s offering you a nice night in with takeaway etc cause he knows that’s what you like. He probably never expected you’d leave so he’s trying his best to win you back. They don’t change tho 🙁 I’ve fallen for it too many times. You’re not lame, you’ve just done something huge so it’s bound to take time to adjust. I am okay thanks, he’s being ‘nice’ today and he’s gone out to see his friend now so I am not too bad today thanks xx you can do this! Xx

[Mellowyellow]

Hey Rock n Roll, thank you! Yeah i guess i judt have to give it time and not back down. Just keep doubting the abuse. When i am with him and he berates and critcises me i think i cant wait to get away from him, i hate him etc. And now i am like oh we are married, he didnt mean it all. Feel so silly!
You have some great plans in placr, sure it wont be long. So good when they are nice hye, if only it was forever but make the most of it for now! Thanks so much here for you too xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Mellow,

Read through your older posts on here to remind yourself of what he was like, and write down a list of all of the abuse if you haven’t already. It will be eye opening and help you feel clearer. Abuse is very confusing, they deliberately confuse us by lying, denying, gaslighting, minimising to keep us unsure and trapped. Stay strong, know your worth and believe in your own inner voice and gut feeling.

[Author]

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