29th September 2021 at 2:34 pm #132037BacardiandcokeParticipant
I wonder if anyone has any advice on how to get a job after years of emotional abuse? I’m still in my marriage and need to be able to support myself to get out, but I was coerced into giving up a good job years ago. Even worse, I was coerced into not working my notice, so I doubt I’ll get a great reference from my former employer.
After being groomed for decades, firstly by my EA alcoholic parents and then by my EA husband, I seem to have developed an apologetic tremulous demeanour and I have no idea how the heck I would get through a job interview. I would be too nervous and trembling to remember my own address if asked, never mind having the mental dexterity to think on my feet about why they should give me a job and other such questions that I think typically arise.
In addition, I find it very difficult to build relationships with people, I just don’t seem to have been given a handbook on building relationships that it seems everyone else was given at birth! So it’s really hard to imagine slotting into a work place with other people. In reality, I think it’s the almost life long emotional abuse that’s messed with my head and I’m so cross when I think back to what I have let these people do to me, now that I can see it more clearly with the experience of life, but at least I have finally realised and am now trying to carve a future for myself.
Has anyone successfully returned to work in late middle age, after decades out and suffering EA and has anyone advice to offer? Is there any coaching or anything available anywhere I wonder?
29th September 2021 at 5:31 pm #132044EggshellsParticipant
Your local authority may have a careers advice service.
You could start righ voluntary work just yo get you back into the workplace or maybe some care work. There are lots of vacancies atm and it’ll just get you used to being around people.
Perhaps try an employment agency. They should listen to you, take your needs into consideration and try to match you up to something suitable.
However, do take legal advice. You’ll get a better settlement if you are not financially independent when you leave him.
29th September 2021 at 6:07 pm #132048Bee1Participant
Who do you admire?
Someone who is successful and famous for instance?
I admire (detail removed by moderator). I have in the past adopted her kind of professionalism and put my smartest jacket on for an interview.
Emulating can give a nudge to your confidence and shoulders back, head up. Remember you have it in you still.
Strong souls won’t be buried for long 💪🏻
29th September 2021 at 8:49 pm #132062nbumblebeeParticipant
Omg this was me. Ive not had the best childhood then was raped (detail removed by moderator) and now I am still with my husband whos not nice at all ive not been allowes to work without him in (detail removed by moderator) i started volunteering they have since given me a job.
Now he hates it and boy do i suffer, is it worth it? Yes yes yes. I love my job i feel needed useful normal even. Am i confident? Absolutly not am i scared? Yep every day I shake I feel sick I am rubbish at remembering my own name let alone theirs but they make me feel wanted and i need that. My advice all it takes is one brave moment one brave step that will make a huge huge difference to your life. You got this x
29th September 2021 at 10:02 pm #132070Wants To HelpParticipant
Hi there bacardiandcoke 🙂
If working with other people is what you are wary of how about looking at something where you can work with animals? Of course, if you’re not an animal lover or have allergies this may be a rubbish idea! I agree that voluntary work is a good start. I did that after leaving my abuser and it led to paid employment for me. There are charities who would value your experience and empathy. Would you be interested in being a ‘friend’ in a befriending service with Age Concern? Or helping out on the Children’s ward at your local hospital and reading stories to the children, help them do some art work or colouring? I know these options won’t provide the income you are seeking to build up some finances but it would improve your confidence and self worth.
There is an Assertiveness Course that you could go on. You would have to Google this as many options come up and you could see if and when a course is running somewhere near you. I know there are also mentoring services online where you engage with someone on a one to one via zoom (or similar technology) but there is a fee involved with these things. Would you be able to do these sorts of things easily or would your home situation prevent that?
2nd October 2021 at 7:32 am #132158Blueskies3Participant
As you’re wanting paid employment I would suggest you approach your local job centre who will run free courses on interview practice, updating your skills , CV etc and also be able to help you with job hunting.
Good luck. As the other ladies have said there are plenty of vacancies out there at the moment, I hope you find something you enjoy. xx
2nd October 2021 at 8:12 am #132160DarcyParticipant
Hi beautiful … Barcardiandcoke,
I understand that going back to work after living with someone who knocked your confidence is very difficult and being insolated in an abusive relationship keeps you out of the real world of small talk and chit chat so entering it is very scary
I stopped working when I was with my abusive partner and left my job abruptly but once I had left my ex I knew I had no choice but to start working and earning money again…
So I faked it, until I made it!!
When you go into a new situation people don’t know who you are so you can be anyone you want to be … a brand new version of you!
Women who have suffered abuse are stronger than anyone so use what you have been through positively
I agree with Bee1, put on your ‘power’ clothes and start to feel what it would feel like to have the job of your dreams and take home the pay you deserve
Another good tip when you are going into a scary situation is to visulise an army of people going in with you, your army of people … this could be family or friends, alive or passed, famous people you admire, whoever it is … imagine them all walking into that interview with you
I started by doing temp work, it builds your confidence as you don’t have to stay to long if you don’t like the job or the company, you can just move onto the next job, eventually I temped for a company who then offered me a permanent position … this obviously boasted my confidence as they liked me, liked my work and wanted me to stay full time!
I would also recommend getting to know who you are, this will then help you introduce the real you to others. If you don’t like being over sociable embrace that, if you don’t like being in large groups or one to one situations own it … we are all aloud to be different
I spent a long time trying to mold myself into other peoples size shapes, but if I’m trying to be someone else, who is being me
Tell yourself everyday in the mirror … I am amazing and I have got this
You could even start to say my name is … and I am a (and then say what your dream job is)
My angel you have this, one step at a time and it will fall in place
(detail removed by Moderator) years after leaving my ex I got my dream job, I wrote down everything that I wanted in a job and it manifested, now I’m working on dreaming bigger and getting my new dream job !!
Sending you continued love and support
PS … I always recommend reading Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life … give it a try!
2nd October 2021 at 1:51 pm #132164oh dearParticipant
I would say well done for starting a good plan to take yourself forward. I went and worked in a local charity shop for 6 months and then found paid employment. I was simply the best thing I ever did for my self esteem after years of EB in my marriage. Charity shops are always crying out for staff xx
4th October 2021 at 10:46 am #132194BacardiandcokeParticipant
Thanks so much everyone, lots of good ideas here. It’s comforting and helps so much to know that you are out there!
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