How to get out? Should I get out?

[Totoro]

I’m in a dilemma and who best to ask then those who have also been in similar situations and will understand.

My dilemma is me and partner have been exposed to domestic abuse in the house from very young, I guess that’s what brought us together and made us fall for each other quickly. Two broken people with immense childhood trauma trying to do different in our own relationship.

However the outcome hasn’t been successful it began with the small things like controlling my dressing, who I see, where I go etc. Then it eventually became physical followed by the apologies and having sexual control under the pretence that I owe it to him. All the things that I’ve witnessed between my parents and I know deep down is wrong and intolerable but I don’t do anything about it.

I was told by counsellor that my relationship is mirroring my parents relationship. Hence I believe it must be love because my mum stayed so long. But then can I blame him because that must be same for him his mirroring his fathers actions. I feel like it’s not entirely his fault and maybe change is possible.

and I’m at a point at where do I draw the line? When do I say enough is enough? When do I know that this won’t be any different to my own parents situation

[Ariadne]

Hello @Totoro (love your name!),

I am so sorry you’ve had these experiences, both when you were younger and now. I think it’s good that you’re seeing a therapist and that this dynamic has been pointed out to you… Unfortunately, you are in a domestic abuse situation, and that is not healthy for you. Change is very difficult for abusers, and while it must have been difficult for him to have also gone through that when he was growing up, it is not an excuse for his behaviour now. Just like you have become aware of this dynamic you are in, he should be as well.
I think you should read Why Does He Doe That by Lundy Bancroft. In there you can see that change is difficult, and often it starts with an external motivation for the abuser (e.g. you leaving him and saying you will not be back if this continues, and sticking to your plan). An abuser should also go through an abuser recovery programme, which is argued to be more effective than therapy in these situations.

The most important however is for you to take care of yourself, and focus on your own wellbeing. He might not ever stop being abusive, and you deserve to be loved. That’s not love.

Please take care of yourself!

[Lisa]

Hi Totoro,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you are able to get the insight and validation you are looking for. I’m sure here your experience will very much be related to.
Ariadne has given some really helpful advice. Do try and focus on your needs in all this and trust your gut instincts on what you feel you need to do.
It may help to talk things through in more detail with your local domestic abuse service. A worker can provide emotional and practical help if needed. She can go over all your options so your better able to be confident in any decisions you make on how to move forward.
And of course, keep posting here for support.
Take care,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

hi Totoro

great name!

You may share life experiences, but now you have separated emotionally and become on opposite sides.

You have chosen in your life to not be abusive, despite your experiences

He has chosen to be an abuser, despite his own experiences.

He has now placed you in the abusive experience that he claims to have hated, and is using it to control you.

You no longer have any similarities, and this is certainly not love.

So sorry for all your experiences, yes you deserve to be loved and not hated and treated cruelly. You deserve much better, and a total absence of abuse in your life for once.

Make careful plans to extricate yourself from him, for your own protection. What started as a joint venture and empathy for each other has been turned into something very toxic by him.

Look after you, and listen to what your instincts are telling you. No matter how awful someone’s life its never an excuse for bullying others in the same way, and if he cared, he’d recognise the pain he repeatedly causes you and remove himself whilst seeking help. He’s not done that, so he’s shown you he’s happy with the situation.

warmest wishes

ts

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