How to get over abuse

[Cuzzer]

Left my abusive husband physically and mentally over (detail removed by moderator) ago. But i cant get over that it was me that caused him to do what he did.
How do you move on when i have so much hate and anger to what happened. I feel like i am broken and i will never be back to how i was before all this happened.
I moved back home which made my anxiety n hate worse as he lives in the area.
Just looking for advice and people to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Well, you’ve come to the right place! Wish I knew the answer, but my feeling is that it’s a process and you just have to live it. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Getting it out there can help, although it’s difficult because unless you’ve been through it, it’s really difficult to understand. I guess that’s what the forum is for. I’m told counselling helps, although I’ve had none myself. I’ve just bombarded this forum with my rants!! It really helps.

[fizzylem]

Hi C, welcome to the forum. First things first, it was not you that caused him to do this to you; this is his voice and not true, you likely heard it was your fault, you made me angry etc so many times that you started to believe it. He is responsible for his own thoughts, feelings, actions, life. He chose to do what he did.

I agree with Landy, it is a process, but the first steps for me were about building and shaping my support, different people meet different needs in us, so you need to find out who can support you with the abuse and how you feel; but also see other people for other things (likely where the abuse is not the reason for your meet eg, an exercise class, hanging out with a friend).

A healthy self care routine will likely be more healing to you than any therapy or anything else. Practice taking good care of yourself every day – its hard to begin with when feeling so low with little motivation, but it snowballs and eventually you feel the benefits and start to feel I am worth it – this is needed and v important.

You need to process the anger and how you feel, so you could get some counselling, call the helpline, samaritians, victim support, chat to the fine ladies on here – anyone who gets it, understands what is abuse and the complexities of it – oh yes, I wouldn’t bother trying to talk to anyone else about it for now – this can leave a person feeling worse – only those who get it; the other people in your life can help you in other ways.

I would say that another big part of healing is self awareness as this helps us to make sense of it, work out who I am and like me, and it equips us with the resiliance we need to move forwards freely – yeah so read alot, on here, the net, books, learn, therapy is also good for this x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Cuzzer and welcome to the forum. You were in no way responsible for what he did. We recommend reading ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft and ‘living with the dominator’ by Pat Craven. No one can make anyone else do anything, it’s a choice to behave good or bad. Look up trauma bonding and the cycle of abuse and FOG of abuse, these should help fill in the whys fir you. You say you’ve just moved back to the area, I’m in the process of moving away because he won’t accept we are over.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

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