How to get the abuser out?

[GoldenFish]

Hello,
I’ve dealt with emotional abuse cohercive control and threats to kill for many years now. Guilt, shame, fesr needs all made me minimize it. Children are old enough and have asked me to divorce. They have witnessed enough. One daughter is (detail removed by Moderator). Last incident (detail removed by Moderator) ago was triggered by the accidental discovery of an extended family member of (detail removed by Moderator). Dad blamed me, threatened in fron of the children to end this by killing me, then blamed the daughter, the consumer culture. He doesn’t want to live in UK and says is here only for us. In the following days the tremendous pain, gurt shock to realise the children were ready to let go led me to avoid him. I rejected the unwanted touches. After several attempts, he decided to give me and the children the silent treatment. Stoped paying towards shared expenses. I thought about getting an occupation order. Apparently they are very hard to get. Tthe only evidence I have is a record of the worst incidence and children as witnesses. Then I thought maybe we could end this with a divorce. I thought about applying for it on my own and have the papers served to him. I am not taking any action, not knowing what to do. I want him to leave. I do not have any desire to talk to him and I am afraid of what will happen if I do. This needs to end. We are just surviving around him. I do not have family or friends in this city. I am ashamed to tell to my best friends. It is harder from the distance and they would not imagine the magnitude of the issues. I am very lonely. I know the right thing to do is to tell someone and cannot decide who. I had a few meetings with school stuff, GP. It is so much easier in the moment to keep it all hidden. Anyone who managed to jave the abuser leave? End an abusive marriage just by divorce? Please share. I hate weekends when we are ubder the same roof. He is always here. I leave the house to escape his presence.

[Twisted Sister]

HI GoldenFish

There is nothing for you to feel shame about, please don’t take on his shame. This shame belongs entirely to him for treating his own family in such a disgusting way. The fault is his and so is the shame, whether he accepts it or not, please don’t take this on.

The first step you have already achieved by reaching out here, and sharing with others how awful it is and has been for you all.

I agree, GP is a good place to go, with your children too, especially as they want a safe way out.

The occupation order will depend on your circumstances perhaps? IDK, I just didn’t want to read and run, and try to offer you a way to keep talking and connecting with other women like yourself who do understand how isolating and fearful this can be.

Talk to anyone who you feel safe to share your circumstances with, without any shame or guilt; It may feel easier to view this from your children’s perspective, that you wouldn’t expect them to feel shame for what their father has done? Neither should you. You can hold your head high, and speak to their teachers, their health visitors, and GP to raise alarms with them about their circumstances, and your own.

Speak to your court, phone them, ask them what you need to do, they can post you the necessary forms, and explain the process to you. They are there to assist with the process.

How would you feel about contacting police to report all the historical abuse and the current situation you are all trying to survive under?

Have you contacted any specialist domestic abuse services, like WA? If you have a good support worker they can confidentially help you through this also.

Keep talking and posting and reaching out. Don’t let on to him in any way that you are thinking of this, it could escalate the situation drastically for you all; at the moment he is happy to just be punishing you with his silent treatment, thats better than others forms of punishment in some ways.

warmest wishes

ts

[GoldenFish]

Hello Twisted Sister,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply my post. I know there are many charities and other services to help. I know how to reach them. I am rerified of what will happen if I do. It makes no sense to fear doing something meant to help but that part in between when whatever I do I have to live with him knowing in the same house feels very risky. The other fear is that it is difficult to prove and/or to prosecute. Divorce cannot be as difficult to get but will that be possible, is it safe or at least safer? Once I manage to talk about it using my real identity and seek legal advice maybe it will be clearer what’s the best course of action.

My husband said he wants a divorce and he wants to leave. That should make things much easier but I don’t think he means it. And the fact that he stopped paying for living expenses is only proof he is only proof he believes he’s right to punish us. He’s buying the food that I won’t buy for the children but has no hesitation to finish up those that he knows I will replenish.

Will and abusive man be so with every other woman? I always felt guilty for who I am, for how our differences may account for the abusive behavious. Thinking what a good man and life he would have had with a different woman. This is the storyline he planted in my head.

[Rafaello15]

Hi Goldenfish,
Wow your situation is just like mine. My children have witnessed years of abuse too. We to just surviving around him and his pestering day in & out, with dreading the weekend also, starting early from Friday. And I am also currently looking into occupation order & divorce with no clue or support, solicitors charge outrageous amount for even the protection orders.

Also got no help from the Police, they do not believe. But will be trying again. But please don’t be put off by my experience, everyones situation and the person handling it can be different, bringing out different outcomes.

Hope you get help and some answers too.

Take care

[GoldenFish]

Hello Rafaello 15,

I know you can get help aplying for an occupation order or divorce. Depending on your situation, you may be eligible to get Legal Aid. The forms and the court can be intimidating but I think the real challenge is to feel ready to let go and kknow which way to proceed. In my case, I belived the threats to kill and there is nowhere I could go to overnight if things escalate. I never called police. Did they come at the time of an incident or you reported it afterwards? In the later case, I don’t know there is much they can do if you safey is not immediately
jeopardized. (detail removed by Moderator) If I were to tell my friends, they would only believe me because they know me better than they know my husband. But otherwise it would be hard to believe because of the sustained appearance of a normal family over the years. I talked to a support worker at school for one of the children to get emotional support. The question asked was if any involvment of agencies dealing with domestic violence. I said no. There is no involvment. Nobody asked if there is violence, agression, coercive control at home. I also had several family councelling sessions with another worker. I want to tell but the words are not coming out of my mouth. It’s like someone needs to ask me directly so I can just give a yes for the answer.

I am sorry police didn’t believe you. I do not know the circumstances but that would feel so hurtful. In case of domestic violence, a divorce does not equate with safety. Do call police if in danger. Stay safe and post back when you can.

[Rafaello15]

Hi Goldenfish,

I called Police both at time of incident and later to report historical abuse, but both times they kept twisting my words to show it’s not abuse.
My family would not believe at first for the same reason that they saw a perfect family. Only they noticed the distant from them. It took me years & years to acknowledge the abuse too.

I understand what you mean by the words don’t come out of the mouth, i too feel that way, numb & not finding the words.

I did try calling dvassist or something, they said I would not get legal aid.

Oh yes, It took me more than a month to register here too, I found reading the posts on the forum helpful when I did not get any support from anywhere else.
(detail removed by Moderator)

Take care.

[GoldenFish]

Hi Rafaello15

You are at least a tiny step agead and reached out to Police and for Legal advice. I have to say that, despite multiple charities and adds that there is help for domestic violence, I do not know how easy orbdifficult is to actually get the help we need. It is so hard to reach out so the slightest push back is likely to send us back to silence and self-blame. It is also the issue of finding that safe time to reach out.

If you are ready to do this I would say to try every possible way to get into the court for an occupation order. It is in fact free to apply even if you do not get Legal Aid. One would hope the Court would take every application seriously even if not preprepared by solicitors.

Go at the link below, register for an account and complete the form. It says you will receive advice from solicitors to apply to Court even if not eligible

https://www.courtnav.org.uk/apply-for-an-injunction

Something has to work out.

[GoldenFish]

Hi Rafaello15,

I forgot to ask earlier if you might have spoken to the social services from your local council and if that was of any help. From what I read online they can help with family counselling to try and change tdifficult behaviours. That doesn’t usually work in cases of domestic violence. They would assist in case of homelessness, if leaving home. None if these options seems suitable for my situation so I was wondering if anybody in a similar situation found services from the local council helpful. Thanks.

[GoldenFish]

Rafaello 15,

Please call the number bellow for legal advice on occupation orders. I am planning to but did not get myself to do it. Even to register for an account on this forum took me weeks. Very hard to accept it to myself to start with.

http://www.dvassist.org.uk
Direct Line : 03000 040375

Direct Mobile: 07561 422510

[Twisted Sister]

hi both

Have either of you tried calling your nearest family court for free advice on how to go about applying for an order?

There’s also a domestic violence assistance organisation who can get orders done in as little as 24 hours for you, they do all the legal aid checks and claim it so you don’t have to pay anything if you qualify. I am trying to recall their name. I’ve just looked it up and I found NCDV, look them up and see what they offer?

Also the Rights of Women free legal advice line, takes a long time to reach them though.

warmest wishes

ts

[Rafaello15]

Hi Twisted Sister,

I have not tried court yet, I don’t know how much they would be of help, but will try and will look up the NCDV too.

I did try Rights of women once or twice but had no luck, and with the restrictions I live under, I don’t get the chance to try often, so it is difficult for me.

Thanks
Take care

[Rafaello15]

Hi Goldenfish,

I agree with you totally, it is very hard to reach out, it took me decades to realise then years to reach out. Its far from easy to get the help we need. And yes the push back crushes your confidence down again.

Social services options don’t apply to my situation either.

This is actually my 2nd attempt. And since this time there is no physical assault yet, occupation order will be tough without a solicitor. Applying is free but family courts are very difficult.

Thanks for the links.
Take care

[Author]

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