How to help kids

[StrongLife]

I have fractured relationship with kids due to domestic violence issues.
They are now adults.
How do others here cope with this? This was all very difficult and there has been various terms provided to me concerning this – though I lack information on this.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi StrongLife

So sorry to hear this has happened to you and your children. Its horribly familiar and one of the worst outcomes from an abusive father, they try so hard to gain control of the children’s minds and are so often successful

Do they have any family that they would listen to about the effects of DA on all those affected, especially children and the tactics of such a father? Its good learning for anyone to have and would allow them to see the tactics in their father for themselves, without someone pointing the finger directly at their father? There are some good films and books out there too, but its a case of exposing them to it in a non-confrontational way. I suppose that is my way of coping, is to try to enlighten and keep the hope that this will trickle through to them, especially as they are now adults. If they are still very young adults, this could be something addressed within a learning environment if they are still of student age, but after that it would be relying on other key players in their lives. Others that they trust.

Also, When Dad Hurts Mom, Lundy Bancroft is a helpful read in your /our situations, even though they are now older it can be helpful for you. There are also other ways of speaking impersonally about abuse, for instance in the public eye, watching films, and so on. One old one that was on tv last year called The Wife, was an excellent portrayal of such a father and how his long-suffering wife, and oblivious adult children never knew what was happening, there are many others.

Just hoping that they will see it for themselves and showing them unconditional love and kindness, whilst holding firm boundaries gives them a living demonstration of a healthy relationship with boundaries and no abuse.

It will be interesting to hear other inputs as this is such a terrible problem that I don’t see getting addressed by external services, and don’t really hear of anything like that on here either.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lottieblue]

Hi –
I know it’s difficult as we can’t give too much detail on here, but were your kids already adults when you left?
I also want to ask you how long it’s been, but that’s a detail you can’t give.
My own kids were all young adults when I left their father. One has punished me terribly (with silence), the others get it completely.
Please DM me if you’d like to discuss. It’s a horrible worry. I just told myself I was playing the long game, it wouldn’t happen overnight, but they’d eventually understand.
The main thing is that you let them know they have your unconditional love.
x*x

[Author]

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