How to keep going?

[Anonymous2022]

I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m doing what I can but am still feeling so raw.

I ‘outed’ my abuser to our families and authorities very recently when I just couldn’t take the emotional, psychological, and at times physical abuse. Like so many on here I was shocked to hear that it was abuse. It had been building up for decades. It was so subtle.

I told him for us to be together he would need to live outside the home and follow a programme for abusers. This was reinforced by authorities which he maybe almost listened to more. He’s actually complied which is a surprise since he never showed any remorse for his behaviour at the time – it was always my fault. So while that’s good I’m still struggling with incresible anxiety.

I see him at weekends for the sake of our kids. We go out and he’s respectful of my space and what activities I want to do. For example, I’m most comfortable outside the house. But after all this I just have such high anxiety.

For example when he sends a text I spend ages interpreting even the shortest message. Is he angry? What response does he want me to give? Should I respond kindly? I know that’s previous patterns of behaviour playing out but when will it stop? When can I just live my life without fear that it all might kick off? Please tell me it gets easier?

What I think worries me the most is that we had a ‘heart to heart’ the other day and it was clear he just didn’t get it. It was so obvious that he was trying to protect his fragile ego. When I said things like ‘you did x (physical abuse)’ he said things like ‘I only did it twice’. Or ‘actually I didn’t quite do that I did this’. Or ‘you didn’t say no’. I was expecting him to be mortified and apologise. Say sorry. That’s what his actions when we’re out would have me believe. But no. He’s putting his ego first. It hurts. He then was dayjngbthat only we will know when we can live together and shouldn’t listen to others (ie, the authorities involved). I told him that kind of behaviour isn’t going to bring us back together – something he says he wants. But who knows if he’ll be able to hack the abuser programme. He’s going to hear lots of things that he won’t want to hear.

In my head and heart I’m finally out of the fog so I know what he is. But why can’t I rid myself of this anxiety? Or this wish for him to get it and just be loving and normal? Please tell me it gets easier.

[KIP.]

While you have any direct contact with him you’re going to feel anxious. Absolutely zero direct contact is how you move on. Have you had counselling? You’re putting yourself in danger and your body is screaming by anxiety and confusion. He’s still denying and minimising which is what abusers do. He’s not validating your feelings. Which will cause psychological harm. He’s getting what he wants just now which is contact with you, contact means manipulation and abuse to him which is what he thrives on. Zero contact also sets a good example for your children, children from abusive homes are more likely to be abused as adults. Go total zero contact with him and you will see his true colours. He’s not your responsibility. Walk away and reclaim your life. While he is in your life you won’t ever recover.

[KIP.]

Are you in touch with your local womens aid? Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It’s easy for these men to go through the motions but he’s showing you that these offender courses are not working and in my experience they never do with an abuser. Abusers just change tactics.

[KIP.]

Google cognitive dissonance. One part of your brain is trying to convince you he’s safe while the other part is screaming to run for your life. That inner confusion is really bad psychologically. One person thrives in an abusive relationship while the other person get totally destroyed. Sometimes you have to make a choice and it’s you or him. Your children and those you love deserve a happy, healthy person who can spend quality time with them, nit distracted and spinning with feelings of fear Obligation and guilt. You deserve better. He won’t ever change but you can x

[searchingforhope]

How very brave of you calling him out. I don’t feel I can ever do that, as the tangible things I have challenged him on are all dismissed and minimalised also. I too am anxious, as it’s hard to go no contact with kids involved. I’m not much help to you answers wise as I’m still in it too and feel very much stuck. I’m reading a book at the moment called Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. I am finding it informative of this whole mess I’m stuck in.

I’m using aromatherapy oils aswell and anxiety tablets I got from health shop. Not sure if they work, but I’m willing to try anything. I’m not sure about you, but I’ve no idea what’s normal and healthy anymore. It’s draining.

Hope you are ok today and have a good day x*x

[KIP.]

I know it’s hard going no contact with kids but it’s not impossible and really is the key to moving forward. There are parenting apps. Third party and contact centres. At the very least an old mobile phone and contact by text only. Preferably the phone should be held by a third party. It really is worth going down this route. Also, the kids don’t get to witness the abuse which in itself is child abuse.

[Author]

Posts