How to keep his agreement

[woofgirl]

I have been suffering from mental and emotional abuse from my partner for years. I only recently realised that it was actually abuse as it got worse when our daughter was born (detail removed by moderator) ago. Here’s the thing, I managed to get him to finally let me “Take a break” with my daughter so I’m in UK with my daughter, I have been living in another country with him before. Basically I don’t know anyone there and couldn’t use the support there as I didn’t know enough enough of that language. Because of international laws I need to stay here, with his consent, for a few months so that my daughter has habitual residence in the UK – which means that I won’t be forced back with her to the other country under the hague convention. I have a lawyer who advised me here on this and also support from my local domestic abuse helpline. I am so scared to go back as he has threatened to kill and torture me a few times. So does anyone have experience of this with the hague convention? Apparently I could still be forced back but they local authorities would need to protect me, but I don’t trust it. Also, does anyone have any experience with getting a very controlling partner to let them stay with their family for longer? He keeps asking me when I’m going back, right now I’m just saying I need help with my daughter which the family help with as there I have no-one. Any help on this?

[KIP.]

Can you pretend you are ill to buy some time? Go and speak to your GP about the anxiety you’re suffering returning to him. Get it all recorded by your GP. It’s good evidence should you need it in future. You could tell him youve been diagnosed with something and need to stay longer with family to help? Just a thought to buy some time x

[woofgirl]

Brilliant idea, I didn’t think of that. I’m scared that any question on my sanity could be used against me in custody courts though but I guess general anxiety about returning to him is a good idea and to get it recorded at GP anyway. thank you

[Iwantmeback]

Hi woofgirl, I’m so pleased you’re back in the UK, as for using you being not well to get custody, it won’t happen. What will happen is it’s further proof that living with him makes you anxious. By being away from him, you should begin to see things clearer, the FOG(fear,obligation and guilt) wool lift. Google trauma bonding and FOG, it will open your eyes up as to why you behave the way you do to him. It literally has nothing to do with us personally it’s all chemistry and biology, nothing we can control.
Take care, find out as much as l you can to inform yourself. WA have their own solicitors who specialise in DA, they can hopefully enlighten you to the semantics of your specific situation.
IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

It’s common knowledge that abuse escalates after the birth of children so it’s a perfect opportunity to speak to your GP. Don’t let them try to tell you it’s post natal depression. Insist your anxiety is because of his controlling behaviour. Add that you are fearful of him. That will help your case in the long term should you need it. I had my son decades ago before there was as much information about domestic abuse and was put in the post natal depression box. It was never post natal depression it was one hundred percent the escalating abusive behaviour. Well done for escaping. You’ve saved yourself a lifetime of abuse and poor mental health. Stay strong and keep posting x

[woofgirl]

Thank you ALL SO MUCH, I have been in touch with my local DA helpline which have given me some contacts, sadly though one lawyer said that domestic abuse is not a defence for the hague convention to be overturned – they simply acknowledge it and tell the other country to put in a safety procedure for me. But my ex has told me he knows hitmen and all sorts of shady characters before so I am literally terrified and so upset that I could be forced to go back there. I am going to speak to Rights of Women and more lawyers though to see what comes from that.

Thank you IWMB – I will google this FOG as I haven’t heard of it. I only recently realised I was actually being abused, I thought there was something wrong with me for years and have spent so many nights crying helplessly.

[Lisa]

Hi woofgirl,

Thank you for posting and welcome to the forum. You’ve received some good replies above. I just want to clarify, Women’s Aid don’t have their own solicitors, however a local Women’s Aid service may have contacts with local solicitors who have experience working with survivors of abuse and who understand the complexities of domestic abuse. Many local services have a solicitor linked with them who offer free legal advice. It sounds like you’ve already been in touch with your local service.

For additional specialist support I suggest contacting The Rights of Women to speak to a female solicitor for free advice and information; they have an Immigration advice line on 020 7490 7689. They also have a lot of detailed information on their website, which you may find helpful.

Keep posting, I hope you find the forum a helpful place to be.

Lisa

[Iwantmeback]

Thanks Lisa, sorry I should have made that clearer that it was my local WA who have a solicitor they use. Xx

[KIP.]

Hi woofgirl, domestic abuse may not be an excuse but I wonder if your mental health care could be used (detail removed by moderator). That you need to be in this country to retain continuity in your ongoing mental health care? That you need the support of your family. If you have mental health problems that impact daily life, which anxiety does, you could be classed as disabled. Meaning you’re entitled to special measures? Worth exploring x

[Author]

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