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How about having a ‘clear out’ get some bin bags of stuff that he will think is for the charity shops when they reopen. If you have a car start filling the boot or leave stuff slowly at a friend or family members home. Be guided by your local women’s aid on a safe exit plan. Never ever tell him. Maybe say you’re taking the kids to the park or to sit in the garden of a friend or relative.
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I would also talk your exit plan through with WA. They’ll help you keep safe, as this is an aspect you won’t necessarily consider when busy with all the logistics of getting out. Start with hiding away all your valuable documents etc…
I agree in any case absolutely don’t tell him you’re leaving. Don’t tell your children either, you’re the adult here, don’t burden them with any adult responsibilities, few minutes before leaving tell them you’re going for a trip. Keep calm and they will keep calm.
Once I knew I was leaving i was so very relaxed, the relationship felt almost normal again. I kept focusing on leaving, taking full advantage of the quiet period, fooling him into an illusion of quietness, cooking for him etc. few days later when he was at work, I left without a word, without a note.
Act the submissive wife on front of him, prepare to leave behind the scenes. Be safe and stay strong! -
Hi,
Don’t tell him before you leave, that is a moment of high risk of harm and murder. You should leave and be in a place of safety before he knows. Don’t tell the kids anything at all until after you’ve left, they could let something slip, quite innocently, but still it gives him the heads-up.
Do you have your important documents? Your passport, your driving licence, your birth certificate, your marriage certificate, the kids birth certificate’s and passports, copy of tenancy agreement or mortgage agreement, DWP letters if you’re in receipt of benefits. You need your bank and saving account sort codes and account numbers, your Child Benefit reference number. These documents may be required by other services you access for proof of ID, proof of income and savings etc. Pack any medications you and the kids may be taking, ask your GP if they can print off a list of any meds you and the kids may be taking, as again, proof of being on medication may be required at some point when dealing with other agencies.
Can you get a cheap phone and a prepaid SIM card so that you can switch your phone off for a few days but still have access to a phone to make calls? If not, delete any tracking apps you may have on your phone, if you have Facebook, turn off the ‘check in’ option if it is switched on.
Is there a time where you know he is out of the house for at least 4-8 hours where you know he won’t suddenly come back at any time, probably at work? If you have that window of opportunity then you could pack some cases and go then, but it you are literally monitored all the time and have to go on what looks like a trip to the shops it is more difficult to take clothes/suitcases, so as KIP suggests, a few items at a time to a friend or relative.
If there is every likelihood he has installed a tracking app on your phone and you don’t know how to tell if he has or not, switch your phone off and leave it somewhere else. Don’t leave it at home, because if he’s tech savvy he may be able to bypass your security settings, or guess at them, and then have access to everything on there. The same goes for any laptops or tablets you have.
Tech surveillance is the most common way that abusers track us down after we leave, so we really have to be aware of this. If tracking our movements and seeming to somehow know where we are or where we have been when we were with them then it’s likely they’ve installed spyware on our phones or a tracker on the car. Sometimes they put trackers in the children’s favourite toys. If the kids are old enough to have mobile phones check theirs for a tracking app too. Many families put tracking apps on their kid’s phones these days for peace of mind. Only you know if he’s this savvy, so it’s just something to consider.
So glad you’re leaving, good luck with everything.
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