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So my house is ready, it’s furnished and all I need to do is take the kids and our stuff but I feel like this last step is huge! Why do I feel guilty? Feel sorry for him? I feel like I owe him an explanation when deep down I know he doesn’t deserve one. I’ve been reading a lot about trauma bonds and think this is why I’ve been stuck for soooo many years. How did you do it? Did you just get up and go? I need help! I know it’s what’s best but this last step is causing so much anxiety and distress!
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This is why leaving on average takes 5-6 times. It’s so so hard, this is why women stay for longer then they wish they had. It’s extremely difficult to leave. It took me about 1 year of really trying. I tried about 6 times, I mean leaving and going back. By the end I was so drained, so exhausted, I took the leap of faith and did it for good. I got EVERYTHING planned to the minute detail, step by step. Baby steps.
Get a plan, set a date, move things slowly, take that leap when you have support.
In the end, my legs did the work, I stopped thinking and just did, it was instinct.
It takes time, but you will get there.
X*x -
Hi Findingnemo
So glad to hear you have a plan to finally end the abuse.
I know that when I realised he wasn’t loving, but hating me, and he wasn’t my best friend, but actually my enemy and that changes all the rules, it was a lot clearer for me.
You are behaving normally, like any decent partner would, and the guilt is because its not normal to have to leave this way.
This is because you know he’s made you get to this point, that he’s forced you to have to leave this way, you wouldn’t be doing it otherwise. Leave, knowing its what you had to do, and hold your head high, don’t look back and keep in mind all the cruelties you and your kids suffered under his abuse, then ask yourself should you still be tying yourself in knots over leaving.
I wish you every strength for this, and wish you every happiness to come in your new life looking ahead.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you ladies. I was due to leave this week as I’m off work. (detail removed by moderator) I started experiencing chest pains and ended up in hospital. It seems a medication I’ve been on has triggered a stress response and this has no prevented me from doing anything right now. This is highly frustrating as he is now playing the doting partner and I fear I will soften 😢
I have already been here before and did go back but I know this time it has to be for good. I think the pretending is taking its toll.
When you left were you honest about the real reasons? As we have a child I’m frightened to be 100% honest as I have to co parent with this person!
Thank you as always for your kind words!-
very sorry to hear of your reaction, I hope you are feeling better now and you’re being taken good care of.
You can watch him doing his abusive pretence at ‘being a good partner/father’, roles we know he uses to abuse you both. Keep in mind that abuse is not only the intimidation, threats and pain, its also the manipulative game playing pretence to draw you back, the love-bombing,and the public mask he wears that he has to prop up to be accepted socially and preen and congratulate himself over his prowess.
Keep your plans, quietly as you go.
warmest wishes
ts
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Even thinking about leaving was horrendous for me let alone actually going through with it. It took me about 18 months of planning to leave (then each time he’d go away I couldn’t go through with it), secretly siphoning my belongings back to my parents house, making plans behind his back etc. Personally I couldn’t cope with planning a leaving date as I’d always feel too guilty because he would be nice before he went away. In the end I didn’t even plan to leave when I did but I just sort of went into autopilot and did it. It helped that he was being vile when I did it. Strangely I didn’t feel emotional, more fearful of his reaction (which was bad) but now I’m out I can see so much more clearly through the trauma bonds. I don’t miss him and can see that everything he did was manipulative and that he was always in control no matter what.
You will get there, do you have any support from a local domestic service? X -
I am in the same boat hunny. I have had a rental house for (removed by moderator) months, have it all ready to go, yet i cannot leave. He went away for (removed by moderator) days and i was due to take my things, however i was distraught for the (removed by moderator) days, having panic attacks, i just couldn’t do it 🙁
He came back, full of tears, was sorry and i gave in!!!! So i am still here, he is now on the nice cycle, i have a house that is sitting empty and i feel awful.
Im going to get xmas out of the way, see how it goes, then new year maybe make my move. If not i will have to pack the new house up and sell all the new furniture etc.
I feel so ashamed, so guilty as my parents helped me so much and now ive stayed. It eats away at you.
Just know your not alone, i totally understand. Its so hard to leave xx
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Yes I have support from the local domestic service and she’s been amazing. It’s just this last step. I’d rather do it while he’s not here but he’s always here! I feel like life is presenting me with so many opportunities to go but at the same time it’s telling me you can’t do it alone 🫤
I need to go because and I know once I do it’ll be a huge relief but I’m like let’s just do it after this and then something comes up and then I’m like after this……
Yes I too feel like I’m forever secretly sneaking stuff out because once it’s done I won’t be brave enough to come back for the rest!
I need to shift the mentality that I’m the bad person because I’m leaving! -
Yes I have support from the local domestic service and she’s been amazing. It’s just this last step. I’d rather do it while he’s not here but he’s always here! I feel like life is presenting me with so many opportunities to go but at the same time it’s telling me you can’t do it alone 🫤
I need to go because and I know once I do it’ll be a huge relief but I’m like let’s just do it after this and then something comes up and then I’m like after this……
Yes I too feel like I’m forever secretly sneaking stuff out because once it’s done I won’t be brave enough to come back for the rest!
I need to shift the mentality that I’m the bad person because I’m leaving!
I hope you find your strength confusedgirl, I have left before and came back after a few months. People told me not to but I didn’t listen and now I’m back to square one. -
Saw a meme today in one of the trauma groups on FB that said it only takes one moment. One moment to change it all. One moment to make the difference and alter the story. Just got to find that one moment.
That hit home because I remember this bit so well, it was torture wanting to leave, having a new place ready but being scared to tell him. But I found that one moment and he reacted, he was losing his supply & panicked, they always will but that was the moment. Good luck everyone. Finding one moment is also less daunting as it feels smaller xx
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So… I did it. I got that deep breathe and did it! I just wanted to say Thankyou as without your kind words I think I would have bottled it!
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