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I feel like I’m stuck again and can’t find the courage to end things. Since hes been back he hasn’t cut Down his drinking as promised. Things started calm but gradually he has started taking over again telling me what I should do regarding certain things with my daughter from a previous relationship. I’m in a situation now where I no longer get that one night a week with her that I said I wanted. Hes also started making comments about money again because he works. Saying it’s his money. I don’t spend anything on myself but he hands me his wage so I can sort bills. However he still spends plenty on treating himself and on cigs and booze. But because i initially manage the money he makes little digs saying i have all the cash and he gets nothing. Its angers me because he spends loads on himself whereas I try to keep our heads above water with Bill’s and rent. I dont love him, don’t even like him but I’m scared to tell him to leave. Scared of the things hell say to me. Scared of the abusive messages or how hell try to use our kids. Scared of him blaming me for everything again because hes being told to move out. Dont feel strong enough to do it
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First of all, you say you left before so you are very strong and are totally able to do it again. I would say that, unless you own the place you stay at , leave him there and take your kids and get out. If you do want to stay you will probably have to get the police involved if he doesn’t want to leave, which will make things more difficult.
Unless you are in a very unsafe place and feel the need to leave immediately, take your time to speak to support workers or friends and family that you trust. Make a plan of how you want to leave (is there a time he is always our, e.g. at work, his sports club, etc), where to go (is it safe to stay at friend’s or family or do you need to go to the Council to ask for help?), make sure to put some money aside (even just for the bus to the Council and some food), make sure you have your and your children’s documents in a place where your partner can’t find them and you can easily take them when you leave, speak to someone at Women’s Aid for example how you can get help after you left and how you can keep yourself and your kids safe.
It is a big step, but reading what you wrote I think you already know it’s the right thing to do. Prepare yourself and the moment will come when you feel the courage to leave again. Whether you leave your home or stay and get him to leave… You are stronger than you think!
Wishing you all the best, sending some virtual hugs!
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Hes very money orientated. If he has any hed rather spend it than pay Bill’s etc and that’s why we struggle. He earns a good wage too so it shouldn’t be like that. I almost feel obligated to try put money away to hand over to him when he leaves cos I know it might lessen the blow. I almost told him it was over yesterday because the comments about him being the earner was alot. Plus he had a go at me cos he found out that I’d stopped claiming my benefits when he moved back in. Basically he wanted me to claim fraudulently to get more money. I just need to find the courage again
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This is very common benefit fraud it’s him financially abusing you. You were strong enough to leave before so you know you can do it again. Did your trauma bond make u go back ? It’s like an addiction read up on it and when u understand it you’ll deal with it better. Deep breaths you’ll have anxiety at first but tell yourself it will pass xx there is a better life out there just waiting for you xx I went back around 3 times then drew the line xx best thing I ever did xx
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I’ve taken him back quite a few times since (detail removed by moderator). To be honest, I was ok the last time he left, but something made me take him back which I can’t even explain. My life without him was better so I know its right. It’s his aggressive nature that I’m scared of cos he will explode. Maybe not physically but he will verbally go all out towards me. Another thing since coming back is he makes comments about me having another man here while he was gone. Which wasn’t the case. But the vulgar way in which he speaks is another thing I’m dreading. I just want a drama free life. I will find the courage. I just need to pick the best time
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Hi Losingbattle
He doesn’t actually believe what he’s saying when he accuses you of having had another man in the house. It’s just another tool in the abuser’s kit. He’s keeping you very busy defending yourself in an argument that you can never win. Each time he brings it up you could say ‘I’ve already told you it’t not true. You can choose to believe me or not.’ If you’re forced to keep answering him, keep repeating variations of the same thing.
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I never win an argument. Hes told his family so many versions of what our relationship has been like putting all blame on me so now they hate me and see him as a victim. This used to bother me but I don’t care anymore. He could commit murder in front of them and they’d still say hes innocent. I’m now constantly stuck in the house. He goes and enjoys himself every weekend and I have to stay in. If I mention not being happy about the fact I’m stuck in he twists it and makes out that I have a problem with him going out and having Time with his family or his son. He also knows how I enjoy having a movie night with my (removed by moderator) children (to a previous relationship). This recently became less because he said they need to start going to bed early in preparation for school. If I try to say I want to have some bonding Time he twist that too saying I’m going against what he says and not backing him up as my husband etc. Don’t know how much longer I can do it
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Hi Losingbattle,
You know you’re wasting your time trying to get him (or his family) to come round to your point of view. Use this time to work out why you went back to him this time. What was missing in your game plan to make a success of leaving? Stealthily build your resolve and your self-belief. You know you’re ready to go. x
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It took me a few goes for me to leave my abuser. I realised that I was waiting for another severe blow up for an excuse, but I was so tired and worn down I just did everything he asked. So I knew I needed to work on myself to get the courage to leave. I tried looking into counselling but realised I wouldn’t be able to get away to attend.
In the end I did a 101 online report so I knew they were aware if things kicked off, spoke to the local womens aid and read all the information they emailed to me and spent a few weeks making sure each day I did a little something to aim towards leaving. Some days it was a major thing, like letting my employer know, other days just adding an inspiring song to my ‘freedom’ playlist or installing Hollie Guard on my phone. I also wrote a crib sheet of what I was going to say to him. It still felt like jumping off a cliff!
Good luck x -
Hi Losingbattle (I keep thinking you are me because of the L and B!)
I feel the despair in your posts. I think it’s so amazing that you left in the first place and you have already proved to yourself that you can do it (something I have yet to achieve). The other thing you have proven is that nothing has changed, and taking him back doesn’t work, and you won’t make that mistake a second time.
As @lionessinthedark said, unless you are in danger, there is no rush. Take your time. Make sure you are absolutely ready to get out and to stay out the next time. I like @Diverdi’s advice too about doing a little something each day – not just because it gets you a step closer to your goal but also it’s you saying to yourself “I am serious about this”.
Good luck. You have already been very brave. You can do it again. X*x
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