How to leave when things are okay-ish

[Outlook]

Hi I’m new.

I live with my partner and his behaviour started not long after being together, although it was minor at the time and I didn’t think anything of it then, it now all makes sense. I feel like I’ve completely shut off emotionally from the world and although I love him, my feelings towards him are an act to keep the peace.

I’m ready to leave. I’ve tried to many times and he either physically stops me, finds me at one of my safe places or convinces me to come back. But it’s been taken to the next level now where he’s using his manipulation to get intimacy from me and I’m starting to hate myself from letting him do this to me. Every day I don’t want to go home, I start work early and work late to avoid being at home and get punished for it like he knows that’s why I’m at work. I’d rather run my car off the road sometimes than go home. But I go home and act like nothing is wrong and treat him like a king.

I’m not stupid, I know what he is doing and when he is doing it. It’s the same every time however I can’t help my self from playing his games by pandering to him and begging for forgiveness when I know I haven’t done anything wrong. I can’t talk to friends or family as they know something is wrong but do not know the extent of it. If I have spoken to friends about minor incidents, they do not know how to talk about it and I end up defending him and our relationship.

I’m biding my time to leave as he starts a new job on Monday and I don’t want him to blame me for my decision effecting that, but then I’m constantly waiting for something to happen bad enough which will give me a reasonable excuse to leave because he makes me feel like I’ve taken it out of context or what he done wasn’t so bad or has a heartbreaking reason for it so why should I leave over it.

Sometimes I get to the motorway to leave without him knowing, turn around and just sit in my car for hours telling him I’m at the gym as my heart gets the better of me as he hasn’t physically done anything to me that time.

I want to leave but I just don’t know how to do it or how to do it so it doesn’t effect his life or new job. I’m worried about how he will paint me to other people and what stories he will tell. I almost want to be kidnapped so I don’t have choice in the matter.

[KIP.]

You’re going to need outside help to leave this man. Contact your local women’s aid. You are not responsible for his happiness. I waited years for my ‘get out of jail free card’. I didn’t understand that I could just turn my back and walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Like I have done in the past from non abusive relationships. It’s trauma, dysfunction, fear, mind games, manipulation. Without these, would you stay with him?

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey hun, welcome.

KIP is of course right, reach out and get as much help as possible. See if you can devise a plan with WA. They may be able to help re housing and other practicalities.

It seems that you have a good awareness of DV and that your eyes and mind are open to what’s going on around you so that’s a great leap in the right direction.

The average woman takes 7 attempts to leave as they’re so manipulating they get us back again so don’t feel bad about that.

Do be aware though that he is highly likely to engage in a smear campaign against you when he realises you’re not coming back. Think of the worst lies he could tell and I’m sure he can think of something to top it!

You can totally do this. We are all here for you.

[Outlook]

Thank you both for replying.

What I’m struggling with is how to leave when he is being nice and remembering the bad he does.

He can be awful for weeks on end and I’m too scared to leave because I don’t want to hurt him then one day will happen when he goes back to being the perfect boyfriend I fell in love with and I doubt I’m making the right choice. And what excuse do I give him to leave.

I’ve always been a very independent person but he’s made my feelings and mood completely dependable on him. He knows this.

I have the contacts for my local WA thanks to Lisa and I have an extended family member trying to help me get out. I feel like I have all the tools but I just can’t make the step to do it.

[Lightness]

Hello Outlook

I also tried to time my exit in a way that was compassionate to him and to minimise blame on me. That was a pointless strategy on my part as he blamed me anyway. It doesn’t matter what we do – we will be blamed by them. BUT now I know that doesn’t matter a jot because my life without him in it is so much better for me. I am no longer switched of emotionally and I am alone to engage in the world in a way that I was not able to while I was with him. It has been beyond liberating.

Please phone the helpline and get the help you need to get the life that you deserve. You are worth so much more.

If he is being better than he can be, use that to your advantage – what I mean is personaly I had more energy during his good times – if that is the case for you you have the opportunity to use that energy to your advantage. You know that he good side is just a mask to manipulate you.

We are here for you

Lx

[Lightness]

Sorry about the typos

I mean able to engage – not ALONE to engage!

And I mean switched off not switched OF

[Outlook]

Thank you Lightness. So you are out now? How did you do it?

Today I found out he has/had my whats app on his laptop and phone so he could see everything. He’s even gone to the extent of deleting messages from my friends and even blocked them. I had no idea, just thought they were not replying to me.

[Author]

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