How to make living once you’ve left

[wildgeese]

I feel this awful panic because I don’t know how I’m going to live for the rest of my life. I was very used to not having the main job and I was happy with that. Now I have to rely on myself and having been through n**********c abuse all my life, I have always listened to other people to tell me what to do, it’s like I haven’t exercised that decision making muscle much. Now everywhere I look, I see so many options and possibilities, but I’m left with this fear of what do I want, can I make enough money and will I be able to sustain this job? It leaves me feeling frozen and then I feel I can’t make any decisions. When I start thinking about my future, all these different fears flood my mind and then I end up feeling like I can’t do it- work out what’s right for me, or make a plan of action and just do it. And I think underneath it all is an identity crisis- who am I? What am I going to do with my life now? And does anyone care? It’s not that I don’t want to work, but I’m terrified of starting a job that’s not right for me and then having to leave because I can’t cope with it. So that’s why I want to make it right this time, because if it doesn’t work out, I don’t have a husband to support me through it. Does this resonate with anyone else after leaving long relationship?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi wildgeese

Yes I relate to this very much

It’s partly why I haven’t been able to make a break as I’m very anxious or frightened too.

My physical and mental health are not great so this worries me as I know I could claim benefits on my own. However I know claiming benefits can be difficult too and then I consider working.

I’m not sure I could commit to a job due to my health.

I wonder if you are still traumatised from your experience and if the GP can support you with some counselling? If not abuse/trauma focused perhaps some therapy to help you rebuild your confidence and self esteem so you can make decisions more easily and be confident in doing so?

It’s a whole new beginning and that’s a great thing and so much hope for a brighter future. But I also get it’s hard to know how to reach that goal. Have you a support worker from women’s aid who can advise you about benefits or benefits whilst working too? They may liaise with the job centre who may provide some support to get you back into work, even a training course in something you might be interested in pursuing?

Wishing you strength and the best of luck I’m sure you will find the answers xx

[bluediamond]

Hi Wildgeese and Chocolatebunnie

I can also relate.

(detail removed by Moderator) yrs away from state pension – fight flight freeze trauma of post separation abuse has had an impact. Did not even realise I had experienced emotional psychological and s***al abuse in the relationship until it was over.

This had an impact on my confidence self worth and self-esteem.
Fear and uncertainty is a huge emotional block.

My only helpful suggestion is to try self-development
I’ve followed people like Bob Proctor, Tony Robbins, Rob Moore
So I consume their free material for inspiration and motivation

Also there are many free videos for relaxing meditations, Reiki music, positive mindset affirmations and I tried the Ho’oponopono Hawaiian Prayer for Self Love and Forgiveness
Which helped me to release a lot of my fears.

Although I have not got to a place of economic stability yet I have learned a lot of new skills.

[swanlake]

I also have identity issues after a childhood of abuse from parents then an adulthood of abuse from another person.
I manage to work part time but these days also find meaning in my faith, home, pets, garden, volunteering etc. I struggle to keep jobs because of disabilities and mental health.
There’s such a lot of fearmongering around benefits. I’m glad for places like Women’s Aid that help to maximise people’s income and get the social security that they need and deserve.

[Littlepixie]

I’m in the process of trying to leave my husband and it’s always been the money and somewhere to live that has kept me with him. I work full time but only (detail removed by Moderator) so get paid over (detail removed by Moderator). I have 2 kids to support to. I contacted women’s aid and citizens advice about universal credit and what i may be entitled too. My women’s aid support worker told me to apply for UC now as a single parent. I have a telephone interview on Friday. I’m feeling really deflated though as I can’t find a house. WA told me to contact housing executive so I’m meeting them tomorrow. The future really scares me and I feel such a bad mum for doing this on my kids and especially having to leave the only home they have known. I kept questioning myself if I’m doing the right thing but my daughter will not stay her when her dad is here.
I also need to get a car somehow as I need it for getting to work.
I know that things will be so tight and they’ll be not be as many treats or takeaways at weekends but I’ll not be sitting on eggshells every time he’s here

[Author]

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