How to move on without closure

[Pinkvelvet]

Hi all,

Firstly I hope everyone celebrating Mother’s Day today was able to have a nice day 💕

The issue I’m having at the moment: I’m struggling recently with letting go of the relationship. I’ve been going to counselling recently and I’ve found it’s helping, but I’m just concerned I’m not going to be able to get past this issue.

I’m not very good at leaving things alone until they’ve been resolved. I’ve always been like this since being young. I can’t let an argument lie or have grudges with people, it’s just not me. However as I know you all know, this isn’t a normal kind of breakup. It’s a breakup with a person who refuses to communicate in a healthy way, and there is no resolution.

He’s tried reaching out to me numerous times, but I’ve tried not to respond because whenever I’ve tried to have a ‘normal’ friendly conversation with him previously, it always turns nasty and he ends up saying things that make me feel rubbish and/or ignite my fight or flight mode, feelings of fear and anxiety. I’ve never truly faced him and told him how his words and actions have made me feel, mostly out of fear as I tried to tell him nicely when we were together and the abuse escalated. So he just sees it as me breaking up with him, abandoning him, and giving him no closure or no ‘reason’ as to why. And I feel like the bad guy. I also feel like I never got to say my peace.

I’ve tried writing a letter (which I didn’t send, because I don’t want to ignite a conversation) and that sort of helped a bit. But it’s this unresolved element that is just niggling away at me. It feels like a blocker in the way between myself and moving on. I can’t move on, knowing he’ll never know how I truly feel.

Have any of you experienced this feeling/ do any of you have any advice on moving on without closure? Or any ways I can find peace in the situation? Doesn’t help I guess that I miss him so much too. I cry pretty much every night.

Thanks all x

[KIP.]

He knows exactly what he has done to you. He simply doesn’t care. I had to think of it as him walking out the door and being killed by a bus. There is no closure with an abuser, your closure is absolutely total zero contact. It’s taking back control and that way he’s being shown you know his game and he’s not worthy of being in your life.

[Anonymous]

I struggled with letting go of him , the hurt , anger , resentment inside for a long time . Even though I ended the relationship and walked away it ate me up inside, unfortunately I went back to him after a long time apart & I literally tortured him for all the hurt he had put me through , even sending him his texts that he had sent me and videos of him screaming at me as proof of what he had done , he said that wasn’t me ? I’m like OMG , but for me doing that , it left my system all the bitterness just went , not that I’m advising you to do this , but I found the peace within myself to let it all go . If your looking for closure from him he won’t give it to you and especially if he knows that’s what you want to help you move on , it’s about control & power over you . You take that control back and you find the closure within yourself to shut that door firmly behind you , it’s not easy as I have the same character, hold grudges , don’t let go of things easy , become attached. Perhaps writing a letter as though you were going to send it to him with everything your feeling and what he has put you through will help you in letting go , get all your frustrations out & anger xx

[Anonymous]

I agree with Kip they know exactly what they are doing and what they have done , they seriously don’t care , empty shells of human existence, nothing touches them , I wasted so much time telling my ex how he had made me feel during our relationship and hoping for things to change ,all I done was gave him more control & power to use against me , it’s not a normal relationship, not a normal break up , no point in talking to them , they are only interested in their wants & needs not yours , it’s how you benefit them in every way , not how you benefit or if your happy , don’t waste tears on someone who doesn’t deserve your time & thoughts . Don’t look for the answers from him , find the strength to walk on and you close that chapter x

[Anonymous]

If you can block him on every platform, he’ll just use your being able to be contacted as a manipulation to either get back or abuse out of spite for ending things,you don’t need to explain “anything” you know the truth and the facts, my kind of closure from abusive people is disconnection, hurting, grieving (feeling it all) then trying to recover bit by bit, abusers are too entitled in their attitude and project so much they won’t accept responsibility (the only way is zero contact)a full on disconnect, your not dealing with a rational and understanding person with an abuser, they don’t operate like us, everything is mind games, achieving what they want, being seen as a victim, “you” know your reasons + they are are justified there’s nothing else you need to do now apart from recover 🤗💖🤗

[Pinkvelvet]

Thank you all for your replies and support 💛 night time is the worst for thinking and thoughts. I know I’ll get there, it’ll just take time. Time and posting on here to get the thoughts out! Hope you’re all doing well X

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Pinkvelvet,

I can relate to this so much. a short while after I left, I reached out to him to ask for his help with closure because I was struggling, really struggling. Did he listen to me, give me all the explanations and answers I needed and apologise? No. Instead, he texted to say that he couldn’t help me and I should stop trying to have everything on my terms, I could almost picture his smirking face as he sent it. I cried solid for weeks. It was utter torture the lack of answers and closure . More questions than answers. I felt like I was left paralysed in a state of torture and confusion while meanwhile he was off living his life with clearly no regard for my well-being. I listened to the best advise on here and went no contact. I wrote a diary most nights to get the thoughts out . Bit by bit and with time, I can honestly say it gets easier. You get to a point where you accept you’ll not get the closure you want but you start to look forward and see a life filled with opportunity and hope and you start to put the relationship in the past. It’s like stopping a bad movie half way through – sometimes we know enough to not bother watching till the end. Hang in there, you’re doing amazingly well and I can assure you it gets easier x

[Fallingleaves]

Hi pink velvet

I feel like I could have written your post myself! It really bothers me that I feel like this too. It goes in cycles for me but when it’s bad I constantly think about how much I want to explain myself to him, to make him understand and hopefully resolve things to move on. In reality I imagine this wouldn’t happen as he can be so unpredictable and I’ve always been too scared to voice my feelings so why would it change now. But I feel like you in that I just can’t seem to let go without some sort of closure. I was really close to apologising to him for leaving him a few months ago and I actually posted in here for advice and changed my mind.
I don’t want to open new conversations with him, but I so wish I could just speak to him and get some closure. I feel the same about not wanting to leave it with him just feeling abandoned by me and thinking I did it all because I didn’t love him, because I did, but I was so so unhappy.

I really struggle with knowing how much of this is the natural response to years of feeling like I needed to explain myself to him, my own problem because it’s my personality or even if I still just love him. It’s so confusing.
Therapy is helping but im still totally caught in the cycle of thinking of him and how he’s feeling. It’s getting a bit easier, I’ve definitely realised im the only one that can change it, but it’s so hard 🙁
He also hasn’t moved on yet, not that he tries to get back together with me, he just hasn’t met anyone else (and I have,
Not that I can admit it to him) I wish he would move on and be happy with someone else so I could lessen my guilt.
Sorry, went off on a bit of a ramble there! And no solid advice im afraid, just wanted you to know you’re not the only one, and I was so relieved to read your post because he made me feel less crazy with my own feelings.
If you find the magic formula please let me know xx

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