How to spot a n********t quickly ?

[Stuck in The mud]

Hi ladies
I’m thinking about my future and considering dating if i meet someone I like .I get attention mostly unwanted from younger blokes but because I’ve only had one relationship …(detail removed by Moderator) years and abusive I would like to have a good relationship just to experience it .A long term neighbour had been perusing me for years that knew my situation we got on , seemed nice,genuine and we had coffee together a couple of times and a flirt but he changed and displayed n**********c traits so I cut him off and feel stupid , was I conned again ? I know n*********s perform and manipulate but clearly there’s different types of n********m!!
Any tips on how to spot a n********t instantly to avoid repeating my mistakes ? and how to stop n*********s being attracted to me ?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Stuck in the mud

well done on getting out and your energy to look for a shiney new and healthy relationship.

I’d recommend the Freedom Programme, highly recommend it, to spot early on the signs of abuse, and they are there as early as the first date if you know what you are looking for. Its invaluable also for sharing experiences with other women, or just listening to others. There’s no judgement, and its free, and it can be repeated until you feel you really have the hang of it. IDK about NPD, no lay person could identify a n********t, its difficult enough for a psychiatrist to! Its also unrelated to abuse, like any disorder or addiction.

I think you can’t go wrong with the freedom programme, its also online if you prefer that, or there’s not one you can get to nearby.

Warmest wishes

ts

[Stuck in The mud]

Twisted sister thank you so much I will definitely look at that x

I feel split , scared to get involved with someone but feel I want to experience everything nice about a relationship .I also feel strongly that we can’t give abusive people satisfaction that they’ve destroyed us permanently and stay alone because of fear x

[Twisted Sister]

well that seems only natural that you would have some reservations about stepping into something new and unknown after what you’ve experienced. Its something to take your time with, and yes, do the learning about spotting the tactics (which the FP will share).

Its self-protection, the learning and the feeling a bit scared of venturing into it again. Just take your time and do it at the speed only you feel comfortable with.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lisa]

Hi Stuck in The Mud,

Thank you for your post and thanks TS for your response saying that abuse is unrelated to n**********c personality disorder. This is in line with the Women’s Aid stance on this which is that there is no excuse of any kind for perpetrating abuse. By linking domestic abuse to n********m it can medicalise the problem and take some of the responsibility away from the perpetrator. We believe that perpetrators of abuse are fully responsible for their abusive behaviour. They know what they are doing and they are making a choice to behave that way. If the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers, which is normally not the case. Domestic abuse is a gendered crime which is about the perpetrator having power and control.

The suggestion to access the Freedom Programme is a really good one, many women find it helpful to learn about the dynamics of abuse and learn to build up boundaries. It’s natural to think about future relationships but in general Women’s Aid suggest taking a couple of years to recover, learn and look after yourself.

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Stuck in The mud]

Thanks Lisa
My abuser was a bully and controlling of friends also , very n**********c and the traits fuelled the abuse , very long term controlled by my fear of threats. The romantic relationship ended for me many years ago under attacks .I started the break away from this person (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and finally he was removed by police from the house (detail removed by Moderator)  years ago . He has apparently been medicated since for mental health issues.
I had been in a bad situation for many years , not a relationship, a dictatorship. I said never again all that time after an awful marriage but now I’m thinking it would be nice to have the experience of a good relationship . I haven’t entered a relationship for (detail removed by Moderator)  years so it’s scary itself without the added concerns of abusers / n*********s .

[Eggshells]

Hi Stuck In The Mud

I agree that N**********c personality is not an excuse for abuse but there is no escaping the fact that N*********s almost invariably choose to abuse their partner and children whilst behaving impeccably towards others around them.

I suspect that is the case for most abusers whether they have NPD or not. That can make it really difficult to spot on an early date because you are not yet their partner.

Abusers do know how they should behave and that is how they choose to behave when they’re reeling you in – whether that is at the very beginning or as part of the ever revolving abuse cycle.

I attended a local authority version of the Freedom Programme but there was no clear list of red flags. As I work full time and am currently caring for an elderly relative, attending the Freedom Programme is very difficult for me. If you do attend and if there is a go to list of red flags (even though it won’t be definitive) I’d be interested to know.

I think its wonderful that you are willing to give it another go. At the moment, I’m not there. I’m happy without a partner but I’m aware that my feelings might change as I head towards retirement so please do let me know what you find out about very early red flags. xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Eggshells

Yes, those red flags are essential to know, and although they are discussed in various ways throughout the FP, there is no list as such, as the mindset of the abuser can be expressed in so many ways.

On a first date, it could be that they decide what you would like to drink, even if you say you prefer x, or they may make strange comments about your clothes, or make sexual innuendo’s and inappropriate behaviours of many kinds. When done on a first date, they are indicators of who you are out with and good to keep in mind, they may be sufficient to back off completely, or just piqued enough to wonder about a second date to know for sure. The main thing is, to keep your personal contact details limited so you can control and withdraw if you need.

So, having a list couldn’t be a thing, but it is an excellent exercise to do when shared with a group of women who reflect on their own first dates with these perps and what could be seen way back then.

warmest wishes

ts

[PonderPuss]

Typically quite attentive in beginning, studying and storing information (and not with the intention of using the info against you, but as you go on, they’ll reach for low hanging fruit in a spat. Also finding one “adorable” when being an airhead, or finding one attractive when being especially vulnerable. Check out Quota, lots of info there.

[Hereforhelp]

Definitely the finding me more attractive the more vulnerable I was… notably when I was sick in bed he would say he wants to ***k me…. yes Abusers have n********t traits but only a medical professional can diagnos NPD and it is a rare disorder which is usually without violence.
Abusing someone is a choice which only the abuser is responsible for including all their abusive behaviours.
❤️

[StrongLife]

I’m of the opinion is to build yourself positively, date when you are ready and seek counselling. I was dating then stopped. I’m not dating now as there is lack of available men and I’m not interested.

Every now and again I will have something fleeting but not often.

I need to be in better position I feel and not where I am.

I’ve avoided the online dating and men I have found had red flags and I left or made him leave immediately. I am aware abusers are out there.

When I’m ready I may find someone – I’m content doing what I want to do and running independently.

[Author]

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