How to stop overthinking and learn to trust again.

[Popcorn]

It’s been a long time since I posted and several years since I left my second abusive relationship. I’ve lived with my children and had lots of counseling and really thought I was beyond my past. I started dating a lovely man I’ve known for many years as a friend and felt happy and comfortable and optimistic. We took things really really slowly to the point I’m only just starting to introduce him to family and friends. The problem is I’m starting to screw things up because of my insecurities and trust issues I know are borne from my history and the legacy it’s left. My new partner is kind and loving and understanding but is struggling with my constant need to pick everything to pieces and to scour every aspect of everything to ensure I’ve not missed a red flag or a risk of any kind. He says it’s hurtful that I don’t see the good he does and that I constantly doubt his love. I have no reason to doubt him, there are no red flags I can find but yet I have moments where I get overwhelmed with fears of getting it wrong again. When you’ve lived so many years watching every little thing for signs an attack is coming it’s hard to switch that hyper alert mode off. I am now the biggest pessimist. I see the bad or the risk in everything. Anxiety and fear of getting hurt is stopping me enjoying my life. How do I learnt to relax and trust in good again. How do I convince myself that the sky is in fact blue. I feel I’ve lost faith in my ability to trust my own judgement and hence I am testing this relationship to the point I risk loosing it.
Today I feel so sad as I had a real melt down at weekend and my new partner has found it hard to deal with. He feels doubted and like whatever he does isn’t good enough. I fear my history is making me border on emotionally abusive which sickens me to my core. I’m hurting him because I’m still scared and damaged.
I want more than anything to make this work. The calm rational me knows he is a good reliable decent man who loves me. How do I stop the self destruct over thinking that two abusive relationships have left me with. How do you trust again? How do you calm your soul and learn that someone can love you and not hurt you?

[fizzylem]

Hi Popcorn, yes this is a tough one isnt it – and you have come so far. It sounds like you are fully aware it is not him you don’t trust, that he has given you no reason to doubt him, that it is your own judgement you are struggling with – I get it, as this leaves you feeling vulnerable hey – what if I’m wrong? I dont know about you but the reason my abuse went on for so long was because I ignored the red flags – and there were a number. You have reported none in your post.

You have learnt it is not OK to feel vulnerable in the past as this leaves you open to abuse, but to allow others in to love us completely we need to feel ok to feel vulnerable sometimes when with our partner. To love and be loved is to also make ourselves vulnerable isn’t it. Is it this aspect that you are struggling with?

Because it sounds to me that you have / are listening to yourself and you do feel ok to be you inside this relationship, you have openness and honesty, you do feel he can be trusted, and you know it is only what has happened in the past that is holding you up now – you’re hearing and reading your gut judgements loud and clear aren’t you?

Its OK to feel vulnerable Popcorn – if it feels right try and roll with it and it may just turn into the best relationship you’ve ever had – and if not, you can do something about it if it is needed. This man sounds different. Let him love you.

[Popcorn]

Thanks so much for your reply. Having someone objective give their thoughts is so helpful.
Realising dating post abuse and when you come as a family not just one person is so much harder than as a young single adult with no kids.
I’m determined not to make the same mistakes again yet am realising there’s a balance between being cautious and being unhealthily defensive.
I really need to work on my over thinking. That said I’m feeling more positive today. Trying hard to work on my positive thinking. I’ve come a long long way and that’s good. It’s OK to take time to heal and the right man will allow me time to talk it out and work through it.
I’ve still got some issues but I’m learning to spot my triggers and that surely is the first step in dealing with them.
All you ladies still in the midst of getting out or all that comes with abusive relationships please take comfort in that it does get easier. You’re stronger than you ever think possible. It’s not easy and like me even down the line things crop back up but life free from abuse is possible and in time you’ll see getting out and cutting contact is the best decision you’ll ever make. Much love to you all. X

[Serenity]

Hi Popcorn,

I must admit, I don’t know how I will
fully trust anyone again.

How I deal with people in general now is to be kind ( I’m not letting abuse change me), but not give so much that I forget my own needs. I also keep thinking in terms of the 70:30 ratio : I will give 70, but keep 30 back.

I’m not advocating us not being authentic in a relationship or holding back affection; O suppose I’m advocating always keeping that bit in our lives that keeps us individuals. It’s easy to lose ourselves in a relationship.

Maintaining your individuality might mean going after a job or a career you want, engaging in a hobby, etc. Anything that Ives you a sure sense of who you are and makes you feel stronger. The right partner wouldn’t want to make you feel totally dependant. With this, might come more security in yourself and less anxiety about the relationship.

I will never let go of my dreams again for any man. My ex didn’t want me to succeed in my career, as he knew this would make me less dependent upon him – not just financially, but psychologically.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

I think after having two abusive realtionship its naturally you feel on guard, i would still say give this guy a chance and trust your gut instinct, ive only had one really bad abusive realtionship and am on constant guard, it was only till someone mentioned to me that im on such high alert guard that im pushing the decent guys away , made me think. Think of it this way u have had two bad relationship but are well aware of the signs and support available shoudl u need help

[bunsandcakes]

I just logged on to write this very post myself! I don’t know the answers but all the feedback so far makes sense to me and seems very reassuring that the right person will just hold our hand through it and you can get there in the end. I dont think it will ever leave us.

My post that I wont now write is basically that I went on a date, which went well but the guy is very strange to me because he doesnt use social media, he is rich and very successful and just not like me at all in a lot of ways. He keeps complimenting me and I freak out. He is nice to me and I freak out. I even didn’t believe his background so I asked him to prove who he was before agreeing to see him again. He sent me a photo of his business card but I cant find the business anywhere so I probed him.. I am making him bring old photos of his past and share photos of what he is doing so I can try and build a bit of trust but at the moment I actively DONT TRUST HIM even though he seems like the perfect catch! In fact Ive been crying all morning because I wasnt expecting to feel so emotionally disturbed by meeting someone I can potentially see myself growing to like!!

[Author]

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