How to stop the constant internal fighting

[Janedoeissad]

I am doing so well after leaving but one thing seems to be holding me back. My questioning of people…constant questioning.

I appear to have developed and attitude of “if I do X for someone, are they taking advantage of me? Are they asking me to do X just to annoy me?”.

My counsellor says I am fighting everyone and everything at the moment and that is so true.

So my question is, has anyone else got this way and what thought processes do you use to 1. Make sure you are still kind and generous but 2. Not let people take advantage or get you to “rescue” them every five minutes.

Also, I seem to think that everyone is making me live by their rules. When in certain situations it is perfectly acceptable and achievable to live by two different set of rules but they not have an impact on the other person.

So, any ideas how I stop the constant battle in my head?

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
This is just a thought from my point of view and experiences.
I have come to believe that those of us on this journey of recovery have developed a keen sense of power structures in society and amongst people.

I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing, but some people don’t like it, I can see.

I am interested in what you mean exactly by ‘I seem to think everyone is making me live by their rules…”

I can see and feel that there is injustice in society. At the moment it seems to be for me trying to strike a balance between seeing it, and doing something about it, if I can and being kind to myself and accepting I can’t change everything. And trying to be happy.

Not an easy task…
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

Also
1. Make sure you are kind and generous
My response to this is I am not sure I want to be kind or generous to everyone – with some people it does not seem appropriate, and so I don’t. If they don’t like it, that generally I feel says more about them than it does about me…?

2. Not let people take advantage…rescuing e.t.c

I’m afraid I think that some people do take advantage, and I still find it hard to accept that, but
am getting better at not allowing them to…

ftc
x

[Janedoeissad]

Freedomtochoose

I love your point “I can see and feel that there is injustice in society. At the moment it seems to be for me trying to strike a balance between seeing it, and doing something about it, if I can and being kind to myself and accepting I can’t change everything. And trying to be happy.”

My counsellor is constantly telling me I cannot change everything. I find it very hard not to try and rescue people and help, when really at the moment I should be focussing on me. It took her ages to get me to start talking about me and stop talking about everyone else’s problems.

With regards to being forces to live by everyone else’s rules. As an example, the house I live in at the moment is a utter mess. No one locks any doors and no matter how many times I say it makes me feel vulnerable and I don’t like it, the doors still do not get locked. So in my mind I am thinking “how dare you make me live in an unsafe environment!”. The people at the house apologise each time and they should be free to live in the house with the doors unlocked if that’s what they want but I feel like I am being forced to live that way. And I cannot afford to live anywhere else at the moment.

What I have gone through has definitely made me see life differently and its made me see how my behaviours in the past have made it so I feel like I come second to everyone else’s needs. And that’s my fault. I need to learn to be assertive and say “no” when I do not want to do something for someone but that is very hard.

I think your point of “I am not sure I want to be kind or generous to everyone – with some people it does not seem appropriate, and so I don’t. If they don’t like it, that generally I feel says more about them than it does about me…?” is something I never even thought about!! I have always thought I should be nice to EVERYONE without exception. If someone was being cruel to me my response would be to kill them with kindness.

I think the counselling is opening up a whole raft of feelings and challenging my own thought processes. I am setting new boundaries and that feels good but its such hard work.

[freedomtochoose]

thanks for this post jdsd.
Can definitely identify with things i.e. feelings being hard work sometimes.

Sorry to hear about the door(s).

That sounds distressing actually.
Strangely enough I have a similar thing perhaps going on with the communal door which keeps getting broken and have gone through anger, sadness, fear around it along similar lines i.e.

‘how dare I be exposed to feeling unsafe because others are irresponsible…e.tc”

I am not sure that others should have the right to break doors/not lock them..et.c. as to my mind it shows a lack of regard for others…but like you I would kind of like to spend less time thinking about it…

I am in the habit of locking doors as a matter of routine (not an OCD thing)…and with one person I know it was quite helpful for them and they said so as they live on the ground floor and it actually helped them.

Sometimes I think that the only way people really learn these things is if they are faced with a negative consequence.

This sounds ridiculous but I am having a fantasy about getting someone to steal something (temporarily?) from one of the rooms where the person refuses to lock it, just so they can experience the shock of it…that is probably not helpful but it kind of explains what I mean, you know…?

I think it all connects with the ways in which people empathise with each other or not. They are clearly not empathising with you and your situation…do you always empathise with them? Have they got used to experiencing this lovely attitude from you? Have you considered stopping showing empathy towards them, (temporarily?) perhaps this might wake them up enough to change their behaviour…

You know, like if you always wash up…or cook? perhaps you could stop for a while.

I’m not sure my words help at all, but hope it comes under the heading of things we try to grapply with our feelings with….in recovery…

ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

Also I think it is very important to go with our own needs. It was one of those things in the past after I left ex that I had a real issue identifying what my needs actually were. Still not entirely there, but still working on it…
ftc
x

[Janedoeissad]

Freedomtochoose that last statement is exactly how I feel now, I have no idea what my needs are but my counsellor is hell bent on making me find out. Which is good but she is pulling me right out of my comfort zone, I don’t think I have ever focussed on me. So its good she is pushing me.

This sentence is me to a tee: “do you always empathise with them? Have they got used to experiencing this lovely attitude from you?” the answers are yes and yes! Again, something I am working on with my counsellor. This one person see’s me as the person who is practical and does everything. Never sees something as their job, never has any time but yet I can see how much free time they have. Before my Ex I would have just said “we are two different people” but know I just think they take advantage.

I think your idea of giving them a shock might work but I sway between showing them the worst case scenario and just doing it myself and biding my time until I can leave. If after that they get robbed in the night I will have zero sympathy!

[Author]

Posts