How to work out who is the abusive one

[drowningdrowning]

(detail removed by Moderator) years ago I was in a really low place emotionally and mentally, near on suicidal and I cheated and slept with someone else. I came clean to my husband and we separated. (detail removed by Moderator) later we were back together.
Now here we are again. My mood same as before and finding myself almost in an emotional affair. This time when I realised I broke. I put myself in private therapy to work out what was wrong with me as this is absolutely not in my character. (Well I guess it is but I swear it isn’t) very quickly the therapist was making me aware a lot of behaviours in my marriage from my husband were emotionally abusive and extremely sexually coercive and she encouraged me to speak to WA. Eventually I did and after a couple phone calls WA said the same and put me in contact with a local DV group. I have been working with someone from there having weekly phone calls for a while now. Going through everything it’s been discussed this has always been my marriage and that it go worse after my cheating but was there before and my actions were someone reactive to what I was going through. It was my escape.
It is this I’m struggling with.
Sleeping with someone else is incredible selfish and hurts people, I’ve done nothing but read forums and threads of how awful the person cheating is and nothing excuses it so just because there’s possible abuse why am I getting a free pass
Maybe I am the bad one and his was reactive.

I’m such a mess. I feel like I don’t know what’s what. I don’t know who I am anymore.

He use to shout at me and guilt me and not take no but was this because I gave in, how do I know I haven’t caused this because obviously I am weak.

I have asked him for a separation and we have been separated now around (detail removed by Moderator) but he still daily begs me to try again, or he shouts at me I have up and never loved him, or he says it just because I want to f someone else (believe me the thought of sex gives me panic) … it’s a constant circle but he says it’s all just because he loves me
I’m told this is still signs on emotional abuse and manipulation but is it?! Or does he just really love me

[Fallingleaves]

Drowningdrowning, your post really struck a chord with me, and it was brave of you to post it and own up to these things that you’re obviously feeling very guilty about.
I’m a few years out of what I would now call and abusive relationship.
During our long relationship I am not proud to say that I emotionally, and sometimes physically, cheated on my partner.
Like you, I was so ashamed and really felt like it was out of character, and was so so terrified of my partner finding out.
But I was so unhappy, my partner was so emotionally cold to me, I was often anxious around him and didn’t feel like I could be myself. So really I feel like I was trying to escape from thwt and desperately trying to find the love and understanding that he was unable to give me.
i know some people will see that in a very black and white way and judge me for it, and that i was the one in the wrong, or i shouldve just left him and not cheated but i felt so trapped, so alone and so devoid of love and affection. the irony was i would much of rather I was getting it from him than anyone else I got involved with.

You don’t sound like you’re making excuses, you sound like you’re trying to understand why this happened. It’s also hard when you feel so ashamed and guilty of these things because you can allow yourself to take all the blame or responsibility for other things that are going on.

I still look back and wonder if it was me with the problem, but I can see that we both had different types of problems and his was his abusive behaviour. I’m now in a happy stable relationship with someone I can communicate openly and honestly with and can never imagine cheating on them.
Therapy has helped me massively with recognising where my low self worth was coming from and I feel like I’m starting to know who I am again.

I hope that helps you feel less alone. And thank you for posting as it’s made me feel like someone has had a similar experience.

[Fallingleaves]

Sorry, I meant to say also, his behaviour really does sound abusive. Especially if you’ve been pointed to these services by a number of different people from outside the situation.
I know it sounds simple, and it will feel much more complex than this, but it sounds like you do need space away from him. Especially if you’re trapped in a cycle, and you said you don’t feel like you know who you are anymore. I felt just like that. It’s so hard to make decisions for yourself when you’re stuck in survival mode every day.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Drowningdrowning

There are very different ways of cheating. It isn’t just one thing it can be so many different things to many different people who all have different intentions and motivations.

An abuser will cheat but they will taunt over it, and have no remorse, cheat and feel zero guilt unless caught out and only then make excuses to cover themselves and not take responsibility for it in any way.

You however, sound like you knew what you were doing and the underlying reasons, and how fragile you were at the time, and then owned it and apologised and split over it. We definitely do act out of character under extreme experiences like abuse. It sounds to me like you really have felt your guilt for this, and sincerely apologised. Abuse takes you to a desperate place and perhaps its time to stop guilting yourself any further, and lay this to rest, leave it in your past now. Its done and you need to move on. The way you speak says to me that in an honest and loving relationship this wouldn’t be what you’d do. You have been through a lot and need to give yourself a break at the very least, and more besides, take care of yourself and see how it is for others who experience the same and how much would you blame them?

We’re often much harder on ourselves than others, especially when abused. Time to forgive yourself.

warmest wishes

ts

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