How to you get over the guilt??

[I.dont.know.]

No matter how hard I try I can’t get over the guilt of leaving and how I hurt him, and how he doesn’t really get to be part of the kids lives much anymore.

I can’t help but sit and think about it on a daily basis it’s as I can’t allow myself to feel happy because I deserve to be punished for what I did.

Maybe I should have tried harder for a civil break up rather than making a plan and escaping.

😭😭

[KIP.]

If you carry the guilt then he doesn’t have to. Don’t carry that burden. It’s not yours to carry. It doesn’t matter how hard you’d try, he would simply change the goal posts. Abusers don’t want to be civil. They want abuse control and power and you and your kids deserve a life free from that dysfunction. When you say he doesn’t really get to be part of their lives. How hard has he tried. How much effort has he put in. I would move heaven and earth and do everything in my power to see my kids. He simply doesn’t care. It’s a difficult thing to realise you’ve been abused by someone you love. Do you have support from women’s aid?

[Changeisgood]

This is my first post on here. But my goodness this is exactly how I’m feeling as well. Could I have done more etc etc. I tried and tried for (detail removed by moderator) years. My children and I escaped (detail removed by moderator)  But I feel so guilty. He has been banned from all contact with us and banned from the whole county where we live. And I feel guilty he’s lost his home and potentially going to prison. My brain glosses over the bad stuff and I feel numb most of the time. But incredibly guilty that I’m potentially sending another person to prison.
I totally understand how you feel. It’s awful isn’t it. But then I think what he put us through. I see my children are flourishing now and we are feeling safe. But this d**n guilt niggles away . Does it ever go ?

[Fudgecake]

Hello, I.dont.know,

I had to escape too and left all my belongings behind. I’m talking sentimental belongings from childhood aswell as furnishings all bought by me before I met my ex. I didn’t want to leave without saying a goodbye but as I’m sure you did, I tried to end it normally numerous times. Each time he’d just ignore that I’d mentioned ending it and we’d start the whole merry go round again. I knew I would never break free and had to do it the way I did for my safety and peace of mind. When you do something like that and leave all your worldly possessions behind, you’ve been driven to it as a last resort.He of course is sitting pretty in his place with all my belongings furnishing it…it must feel like I’ve died although I doubt he’s been mourning lol.
Do I feel guilty? If he was a decent guy who had treated me with love and tenderness and I had ended things in an awful way, then yes I should feel guilty. But…I was escaping abuse as you were. Don’t feel guilty for being driven from your home which is supposed to be a safe place. If he had had a normal take on relationships then it could have ended in a normal way but my guess is he didn’t, it wasn’t normal and you had no other alternative. When I do start to feel guilty over the way I left (and I do from time to time) I remind myself that my life has been turned upside down and in ruins and his only minor inconvenience is dumping my stuff if he so desires. I can’t even contact him to ask for anything. So no, guilty is not a thing to feel.

[AlwaysSorry]

This really resonated with me Fudgecake and changed my perspective on the guilt I’ve been feeling. Thanks for sharing and for writing it like it is – their only inconvenience was the belongings we left behind xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Which guilt? I don’t feel any because I didn’t do anything wrong, he did though and he knows it.
Last year I finally found time to pause and sort through the history of all my actions and I asked myself at every turn did I act with integrity? did I act to the very best of my ability? The answer was a clear resounding yes each time.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. Quite on the contrary, you can be proud of yourself. You brought yourself and your family into safety.
You haven’t hurt him, he hurt you through his abuse. He should absolutely be the one to apologise to you for all the harm he caused and for breaking up the family, for having made you flee your own home. He is an abuser so he never will apologise ( and mean it).
The guilt you feel it misplaced if you carry it. If one person should feel guilty, it’s him.
You deserve a medal for having been able to protect your family from abuse.

I hope you can let go of this guilt, it has no place in your life. I hope you can enjoy the freedom your new life has to offer.

Sending you hugs 💞🌸

[fizzylem]

You didn’t sign up for the abuse, from the first time he abused you, the comittment you made became broken – from that point onwwards you didn’t owe him a thing. His behaviour ended the relationship x

[Faraway]

I feel guilt too! I feel sorry for him even though I know I don’t love him. I think my guilt stems from the fact that my family is split and now the kids miss him. My oldest knows about the bad stuff and likes that he is subjected to that anymore but he loves his dad because that’s his dad and there were times when he was a normal person and my child misses that. I’m a really big empathetic person so that does not help and it tears me up inside that I now have an enemy in life. X*x

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