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    • #141288
      Freedom @
      Participant

      Looking for advice on when/ how to tell the kids. My anxiety is increasing. I bought the house off ex for a large sum as house prices have gone up. You would think he’d be happy but no. Tells me he’s moving out (detail removed by Moderator) please god he is but I’ll believe it when i see it. More importantly as its come to this point how do we tell the kids? On my own or with him present? I’d be more comfortable doing it alone but not sure he’d go for that. Its difficult enough in a normal relationship breakdown but I’m worried he’ ll blame me and paint me in the bad light etc…basically any advice on handling this difficult part. I’d like to tell them on my own when he’s gone in a child appropriate way/ keep it simple and let their questions guide me as they come but not sure what day he’s going yet and of it will be drama free. Hope i make a bit of sense. Children are primary school age.

    • #141290
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      If you’ve bought him out and the house is now in your sole name, kick him out (I know that’s so much easier said than done in these relationships) but he no longer has a right to be there. Sadly and from experience I doubt he will leave if his own accord, but fingers crossed. Do the kids know anything at this stage, as in do they think you are still happily together right now or is it just the part about moving out? x

    • #141291
      Freedom @
      Participant

      Oh gosh they know something is wrong/ separate bedrooms/ not spending time together. I’ve no doubt they pick up on atmosphere etc…one of them is well aware of family problems

    • #141303
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Freedom

      how difficult, but I would take the responsible parent role as you are, and make sure they hear the truth, straight up, and like you say, keep it simple and be guided by their questions, but he’s hurting you and now you can’t be together anymore, that you hve to be able to say no when someone hurts you. That but in ways they can see what behaviour is wrong and unacceptable. Have you heard of the book ‘when dad hurts mom’? it might be a useful guide to help with managing their emotional load. Some they will already know, and probably more than you realise, so its better to give them the opportunity to talk about it than not. Keep the doorsalways open to have chats, and good luck, I hope he’s gone as planned. Talk openly about once he’s gone, and plans afterwards, so they know it can be as it is now with the contact, or they can decide how much they want to see him and how soon.

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #141305
      Freedom @
      Participant

      Thanks for reply. Yes i have that book and find it useful but i can’t say what hes done if hes there with me! My dilemma is telling them with him and what to say or finding an excuse to tell them on my own when he’s gone but then he mightnt go and cause drama. So frustrating.

    • #141313
      KIP.
      Participant

      Get in there now and talk to them away from him. I’m pretty sure he’s already started filling their head with nonsense so they need to know the truth and that you’re there for them. daddy hurts Mummy and you want to be a better mummy for them and you can’t do that when you’re being hurt. Also get him out now. If he already has the money from you then he’s going nowhere until you make him. If he doesn’t have the money get your solicitor to draw up a contract that he leaves when the money is paid into his account. Do it trust a word he says. These men will try to discredit you to whoever they can, including and especially the children.

    • #141316
      Freedom @
      Participant

      Unfortunately he already has the money and is complaining of house prices. I’m so stupid i should have just moved out even though house is now in my name. It never ends

    • #141317
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      you can change the locks when he is out, you can’t carry on living like this. If he’s said he’s going on that day, buy your very secure locks and bolts in advance and book someone to fit them on the day he leaves. Make sure you hang on tight to the keys! If he is aware you are doing this he will try every which way to get a key because currently he has it all, I presume he now lives rent free in the house of his choosing, but once he steps out the door, he will not be able to get in, so hang onto your keys, keep them warm as they say, close to you in a pocket on your person all the time until he has gone. If he tries to claim that he needs to do several trips, then you could arrange for someone to take his stuff to him, whatever is required to keep him away, but don’t let him back in, even for one thing, politely ask him to wait, close and lock the door, retrieve the thing, and pass it to him, but he has no rights to step over the threshold of your door again, and if he won’t leave you call the police, but not with his knowledge. You could call them now and explain your situation. So it does end, it definitely does, you will just have to take control of the end to make sure it does happen, if you leave it to him maybe it won’t, ifyou leave him with the control of you all, he will walk all over you all, take back your power and control. Keep working towards him leaving that day, referencing it in conversations so he knows its still that day, and speak to the police in advance, and tell the children in advance, truthfully, that he’s hurting you all, and that if he doesn’t leave he may be escorted away by the police because he’s been naughty. Its better they know and prepare.

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