- This topic has 23 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Has anyone felt really hurt by an abuser who complains and is awkward about doing anything for them, moans, complains, huffs , puffs yet will over willingly do things for other people, its gone on for decades and if ive challenged him he denies it and starts om me or says I imagine it. The same sayings over and over, why are you ringing me, does it have to be now, I’m doing something you will have to wait,why are you calling me, yet everyone else its no problem , do it straight away
-
-
-
-
Oh yes. Very common. All sorts of things. He was hugely helpful to other people. But anytime I asked for anything I was being unreasonable and it was inconvenient. He never told anyone else that it was an inconvenient time for him to help. He’d walk out on me in the middle of a date because a friend called for advice. And I was a complete b***h if I complained or told him I found being left alone in a restaurant in the middle of a meal upsetting.
-
-
On the other side of the coin has anyone been berated or guilt tripped for pouring themselves out completely even when ill for others, no regard for you but they expect you to help other people even to your own detriment or say you arnt caring, I’m a very caring person but am having to learn that I need to look after myself as well but get questioned when I do, yet he forever says to me not to peoples faces but behind closed doors, I don’t want to hear about other peoples problems ive got enough of my own or why are you stressing me with other peoples problems or its not my problem, yet he shows false care to their faces
-
Yup, afraid it is another classic. Your abuser and mine were obviously reading from the same textbook! Other people have problems too, you are so selfish for thinking about your problems. Or I would say that I was exhausted after looking after his niece all day and he would be angry with me for saying it was tiring and I obviously didn’t care if it made me tired! I played games all day. He couldn’t manage more than about 5 minutes before he was putting the telly on for her! And I didn’t care about his needs because I occasionally prioritised what I needed to do to stay healthy over things he wanted.
-
Basically anything that could make me feel guilty about my health problems or how I was dealing with them was fair game. I was selfish for getting ill when he had planned a secret surprise. I was selfish for using all my energy to make him a dinner because it made him feel bad to see me so tired. I was selfish for not cooking him dinner because if I cared about him I would cook. No rhyme nor reason to it. Just consistent guilt.
-
Thanks again Tiffany, I find it incredible that they seem to be from the same mould in how they try to guilt trip us over anything they can.
If we don’t do things its wrong if we do another its wrong, contradicting themselves over and over, he tries to blame me for being unwell or make out there is no illness always has, I remember when my son was a boy, he clearly had shingles he came in minimised it said it was just a bit of a rash and I was overreacting, yet if @I had not taken action I would have been neglectful.
-
I am so sorry that you are going through this Godschild. I thought I was going mad for years with my ex. I have memory problems as part of my illness, which were made worse by the abuse. And I was so sure that he was looking out for me. When I got away I realised my memory was much better than I had thought, and many months on I never worry that I am going mad, or an attention seeker, and I help people when I can, but I don’t feel guilty when I can’t! I honestly think getting away from him, being no contact, would help you so much. I just don’t know how you would do that. I think some women have tried going as close to no contact as they can within the house, but I am not sure how well it worked or if it’s an entirely safe thing to do. Maybe phone the helpline, explain your situation and ask if they have any tips on reducing how much his abuse hurts you? Before I left I built a kind of mental wall to hide behind. I acted as usual, but there was a kind of second me, looking from behind the safety of my second wall going, ‘well that was inconsistent, that was unreasonable, that was unacceptable’ sort of logging and processing, and making me stronger and more certain that I was better off without him. It sounds like you have started this process too. I am not sure if it will help you leave, but it made me stronger, being sure I wasn’t the problem
-
I know just what you mean about a second you seeing the truth of what is going on, I speak to myself in my mind all the time, in the past years after decades of it, Ive learned so so much and still am learning new things, I’m astounded that it was only about (detail removed by moderator) years ago I realised this was abuse.
I have set many bounderies (detail removed by moderator) years ago and it only because I am unwell at present that he has had the opportunity to get to me.
My mind is bit by bit proceesesing the full horror of it , I get lots of flashbacks and cannot beleive want he has done over the years, but then its like my mind cannot cope with it all in one go, so I tend to paper over it a bit, I can only get out or away with him so my mind has to cope this way, but I’m so aware of what he is up to.
I can pretty much guage the extent of his abuse and know if he is bad, its been mainly emotional and verbal and smashing my precious things and cruelty and indifference etc he hit ne for the first time two years ago and that brought it to ahead, I drew many lines between us and I wont meet up with other people so he can put on his act, only my close family, he does not like it but I wont cover up anymore to many people, I cut conversations that are nonsence with him, correct him if he says untrue things, he wont accept it but it clarifies in my mind the truth.
It helped years ago having the weekly phone calls with WA but they put a 12 week cap on it, it certainly strengthened me and reading on here.
For decades it was the cycle of abuse, and business as usual in other words he got away with it time after time but no more, so in a lot of ways ive left him in my mind but cant physically if that makes sense, no Christmas cards or gifts no birthday cards or gifts, he hates that I will neither accept them from him or give them to him, he used to sabotage and wreck nice things I planned for him and I saw the light and stopped it all, so he is not getting “fed” like he used to
-
It makes sense. There is only ever so much you can do when you are still in his presence though. It sounds like you are much further ahead in processing what is happening to you that I was when I left. It was only after I left that I realised that it had been abuse. And the flashbacks only started then for me. But I had to stay in contact with my abuser until all my financial ties to him were severed and I really realised then how much every contact with him put me back in a state of heightened anxiety and made my physical symptoms worse. And I thought that I had been doing a good job of separating myself from the emotional attacks. It made me realise that even when I was being strong and standing up to him I was feeling vulnerable. And there were always the days were my defenses were weak and he got to me despite the wall. Like yours he had turned physical and there was a constant fear that he would hit or suffocate me again. It took months after leaving for the fear to subside. But it’s been less than a year and an illness which I developed shortly after meeting him (alongside the illness I already had) has almost completely gone. I get occasional twinges when I am anxious, but this was a huge ever present condition which stopped me working frequently, caused me a huge amount of pain and stopped me driving. And it has gone.
-
Thats good that you feel so much better, I know the abuse takes its toll in many ways and if you don’t have the disabilities I have and have family or friends to support you and you can go out alone and stay alone its better to get away but for me I have no one at all and it is impossible to be alone, go out alone get too see my family alone, so all I can do is the best I am doing, WA knew the extent of my issues and acknowledged that I could not leave, a Lady on the National help line said that there are Women with disabilities of many forms who cannot leave and they encouraged me to do the best I can.
They said every case of abuse is different, their understanding of the imposibility of me leaving was very very helpful, they fully acknowledged my situation, they said each women has to do the best for her whatever that might be for whatever reasons or even if she feels she needs to stay, when things get hard like now I’m unwell I reach out on here for support in the situation I’m in, there is no solution as such but some understanding and verification of the abuse helps, a big percentage of ladies on here although it being so hard manage to leave, but that is not possible for everyone when you have chronic disabilities and absolutely no one to support you, whilst my life is far from the best, its the only way at present. -
-
So true ConfusedAgain, they do harp on about normal small things they do as though they are really wonderful or resent doing them and let you know it one way or another, mine says to me that id were an abuser he would not get me food if I’m ill, he huffs and puffs whilst doing it, really moans on and on, he only does it to “prove” to himself that he is not abusive,, he totally resents anything he does of me but does things as a cover to show he is a good husband, when he is really nothing of the sort and if it suits him he will stop doing things for me.
They seem especially uncaring over pregnancy , childbirth, menopause, period issues, it would do them good to cope with these things and have the neglect they give us , proving financially is not the only provision they should give us, they are a disgrace, you must have felt very hurt after having hid child to be neglected and not nurtured
-
So true ConfusedAgain, they do harp on about normal small things they do as though they are really wonderful or resent doing them and let you know it one way or another, mine says to me that id were an abuser he would not get me food if I’m ill, he huffs and puffs whilst doing it, really moans on and on, he only does it to “prove” to himself that he is not abusive,, he totally resents anything he does of me but does things as a cover to show he is a good husband, when he is really nothing of the sort and if it suits him he will stop doing things for me.
They seem especially uncaring over pregnancy , childbirth, menopause, period issues, it would do them good to cope with these things and have the neglect they give us , proving financially is not the only provision they should give us, they are a disgrace, you must have felt very hurt after having hid child to be neglected and not nurtured
-
Hi Godschild,
Yes it was very hurtful, my first child too I was was scared too week out of hospital and his mum came to stay for five weeks they were bossy and his mothers wishes came first I was the bad guy.
I can relate he would start arguments when I was ill and when we had an arguementand I stood up for myselfhe wouldnt give me money for food so I fgot a job… month later he got physically abusice sosorry me and bubs left and he reported me fora stealing (detail removed by moderator)
Textsmt family to say he has given me a life and provided for me like its out of the ordinary .. its bizarre my heads a mess at mo… they are so confusing and cruel xx
-
-
I don’t know how you coped with that for 5 weeks after giving birth, my mother in law was so domineering and opinonated, he never stood up to her, she is gone now but she really made a mark on my life, she stood up for him always seeing me as the problem , he would never tell her to stop her opinonated belittling attitude to me.
I’m sure that these domineering mothers damage their dons and we take the blame they use us to abuse for the pain inflicted by their mothers and we pay the price and they just treat their mothers better than they treat us, Ive read your posts you have gone through so much I dont know how these men can be so cruel -
I was in a really abusive relationshop years before too and I dont know how I.managed to meet another one his emotional abuse is so much worse… I didnt cope well at all his mother is a different culture and I think she wanted to wreck us too, she told him that women dont have hormones and there is no anxiety where theu are from.
I completely agree with you hun 100 percent I think.they were emotionally neglected or son husbands. I have been looking on youtube abour (detail removed by moderator) and mine matches the son husband male borderline. Its not normal and I feel sad for the false life we were promised , they are just such selfish evil people x*x
-
-
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
