Husband doing Respect programme

[Sungirl]

So husband has sent me a letter apologising for all the abuse, he’s having therapy, he’s going to change, and a list of ‘conditions’, plus he’s going to do a Respect programme.

I seriously feel so angry with him. Some of the things he referenced (mental health and cultural differences) show he clearly doesn’t think he is abusive, and suggesting if I speak to people for advice they will not understand. I knew it would upset me, but I had to read it. Anyone else been in a similar situation? I know this is his hoovering, I have been here before, I just have to stay strong and try and go no contact

[Camel]

He’s ‘going to’ change. He’s ‘going to do’ a Respect programme. He’s not actually ‘doing’, is he?
He says he’s having therapy. Good for him, if it’s true.
His letter admits he was abusive, which is handy. File it away as evidence. Don’t respond.

[Icecreamsundae]

If he really does want to change them he should be doing all of these no matter how you respond to the letter.

It does still sound like he isn’t taking full accountability. And over time, he will go back to more and more excuses.

You might be surprised how many people in the world do understand. Phrases like that are all part of trying to maintain the control and confusion.

My ex had a glowing report from a perpetrators course, though gave work stresses as a reason for his abusive behaviours and still talks about having wanted to be supportive of me. I’m very glad I can now see how ridiculous that is compared to the actual words and behaviours. There won’t be any closure, true remorse or apology from him, which is fine, I don’t need that to move on.

[Lostnalone]

Sungirl I newly out for good!! My abuse spanned just under 2 decades!! I was in my (detail removed by moderator) full of life I’m in my (detail removed by moderator) lifeless after the yrs catching up on me!! My ex a decade ago did all this once after me leaving!! Did the courses,did the counciling I received 2 letters apologising!! He even contacted (detail removed by moderator) to help him!! I believed him luv. Under a Yr later he was back on top form and it all started again!! Too ashamed I stuck it out!! That’s why I’m constantly on this forum. My heart goes out to u 💔 xxxx

[swanlake]

Wishing you lots of strength Sungirl. In the past I’ve rung Samaritans to help me with reading communications from my abuser. It’s so upsetting to read the lies.

[Icecreamsundae]

I think it’s really common for them to promise change and even stay with it for a while but then go back to the abusive patterns once they feel like the have the control back.

It is the behaviours that are more important to judge from.

I felt better about letting go when I thought about what an ideal outcome would be for me (him changing all the behaviours), how likely that was (for us, incredibly unlikely after all the chances already and his reactions to me suggesting counselling etc), and whether that would even be enough for me to want go back (I decided he had enough chances to change and didn’t deserve any more from me).

It is still frustrating to hear the fake promises, and rewrites of history, so I mostly ignore it now as far as possible. No contact was great for getting out of the cycle of feeling I had to reply

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