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My husband is being nice. I don’t mean like love bombing or anything. Just being a decent person. He told me his work shifts (he doesn’t always tell me his work shifts or days off, so I never know what to expect and can’t really plan things because that), he finally told me what day he gets paid, and that he miiiight be able to give me money that day. He didn’t tell me how much though. He even told me something nice as he was leaving for work.
It feels weird. It made me wonder if I’ve just been exaggerating everything.
So I read the letters I wrote to him, a few months ago. I didn’t really write the letters for him. They’re letters I wrote when I was daydreaming of leaving him. In the letters I wrote about how much it hurt that he ignores me, that he didn’t care that I was so stressed out because I couldn’t buy food because he wouldn’t give me money.
And then I remember what happened just a few days ago. I have a weird health problem now because I wasn’t able to eat right for several months. And the health problem was really bothering a few days ago. I sometimes wonder if I should go to the doctor or something, but I’m not sure how serious it is right now.
And all these things reminded me that yes, he’s abusive.
I don’t like that he’s being nice, because I had to work for it. I had to earn his basic kindness. I had to be nice and friendly, and cuddle with him, just so he would give me money this month. For basic necessities! For food!
I feel like a prostitute for my own husband!
If he would’ve just been a good person, the month that we had our really big disagreement, all the cuddling and kindness that’s happening between us right now would’ve been authentic. It would’ve been real.
I don’t understand why he hurts me. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to talk disagreements out. Instead, he ignores me until I cave in.
But why??
I know he wants me to be sweet and cuddly, but there isn’t any point of hurting me, when I would be willing to give this to him freely.
I’ve read Why Does He That? So I know, that, he’s just abusive. I just wish he wasn’t.
I don’t need advice or anything. I’m just upset. He’s being nice, but him being nice just hurts too, because I had to work for it. It wasn’t freely given.
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And since I’m feeling sorry for myself, I’ll just add that going to a store, any store, feels like torture. I just see food and snacks everywhere.
And I hate going for walks now. Because I just smell food.
I saw some dog poop on the sidewalk some days ago, and the very first thing I thought was that it looked like chocolate. And it made me hungry. It took my brain a couple more seconds to register what it really was. Then I practically ran inside the apartment, because that was just weird, scary, and depressing.
At least maybe this month will be better.
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I’m just reading ‘Why Does He Do That’ too, and it’s really an amazing book. I guess you will have read the bit about all the real advantages that abusers get out of being abusive, and I suppose this answers these questions to some extent. I do think that, even knowing and accepting the incentives they have for being abusive, it still seems very alien to people who aren’t like that. I think the same about my partner as you’ve said about yours, ie: if he had just been the ‘nice’ side of himself I would have been happy with him and would have stayed. It seems weird that somehow they know how to be nice sometimes but have to mess that up by being horrible. In the end I came to the stark realization that the nasty (Mr Hyde) was the real him. The nice person didn’t really exist it was just a personality that he’d concocted to help him get what he wants in the world. To some extent it kind of explains why they can just be the ‘nice’ person, because it’s all false and they can’t keep it up for long. Maybe they even have contempt for that nice side of themselves just like they have contempt for all other nice people.
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Aw hun. I hear you. I hear the pain your in. The double minds, the constant guessing. It’s just another way to get to you. The letters seem like a brilliant idea as long as he has no way to access. I don’t think you’re looking for advice and you just want to talk. My inbox is open to you. I can listen x
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Oh my! Im new here BTW. But wow, wow, wow, uv basically just written what I was going to write. Im so confused!! Sooooooo confused that my brain just can’t take it anymore! I have husband together (number removed by Moderator) years and I wud write a letter, like u, bout once a year saying stop treating me like this, this is ur last chance blah blah blah. Changed/improved for a couple of weeks then went back to normality. Only the recent letter/me actually walking out and going away for few days seem to have had an impact.
He is now being amazing, house kids me…… But this just confuses me and I keep thinking will it eventually go back to how it was cause that’s the real him… Or has he realised and changed for good??? Im so so so confused. Please help or advise x
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It’s making me so ill all this overthinking. Should I just draw a line under the past, give him a chance and move forward? There’s just this little niggly thing in my brain that stops me believing this 100%. I’ve lost my happiness. I used to be so care free and happy and now im a squished shell, and all I can think of is every past memory that has hurt me. I try so hard to forget and move on but for some reason I just can’t. (number removed by Moderator) years! Why only now is he improving.
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I can’t really advise you on this, since I’m trying to figure it out myself… a several months ago, when I first realized something was wrong in our relationship, my husband and I were talking. I don’t remember what he asked, but I remember my answer. I told him that he needed to do the right thing, everyday, for many months. I didn’t say years, but I was actually thinking years. He asked me what the right thing is. I told him that he has to figure it out himself. He got annoyed and ended the conversation.
I haven’t changed my mind on this. To be a decent human being, you have to understand by yourself that you are hurting someone else. And you have to take responsibility for those actions. And not just for a few days. It has to be EVERYDAY for a loooong time. Years.
My husband can do the right thing (ie care about my feelings, my physical well being, etc), for a few days, but I doubt he can do it for a month.
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This is what i am questioning myself,Husband has given me money and been really overly nice like buying me things/ shopping and asking if i ned anything, calling me darling and love even though we are separating due to him being controlling etc,… and giving the kids attention,i really feel confused and know its not him
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