Husband is being Nice, I don’t like it

[NotYourMaid]

My husband is being nice. I don’t mean like love bombing or anything. Just being a decent person. He told me his work shifts (he doesn’t always tell me his work shifts or days off, so I never know what to expect and can’t really plan things because that), he finally told me what day he gets paid, and that he miiiight be able to give me money that day. He didn’t tell me how much though. He even told me something nice as he was leaving for work.

It feels weird. It made me wonder if I’ve just been exaggerating everything.

So I read the letters I wrote to him, a few months ago. I didn’t really write the letters for him. They’re letters I wrote when I was daydreaming of leaving him. In the letters I wrote about how much it hurt that he ignores me, that he didn’t care that I was so stressed out because I couldn’t buy food because he wouldn’t give me money.

And then I remember what happened just a few days ago. I have a weird health problem now because I wasn’t able to eat right for several months. And the health problem was really bothering a few days ago. I sometimes wonder if I should go to the doctor or something, but I’m not sure how serious it is right now.

And all these things reminded me that yes, he’s abusive.

I don’t like that he’s being nice, because I had to work for it. I had to earn his basic kindness. I had to be nice and friendly, and cuddle with him, just so he would give me money this month. For basic necessities! For food!

I feel like a prostitute for my own husband!

If he would’ve just been a good person, the month that we had our really big disagreement, all the cuddling and kindness that’s happening between us right now would’ve been authentic. It would’ve been real.

I don’t understand why he hurts me. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to talk disagreements out. Instead, he ignores me until I cave in.

But why??

I know he wants me to be sweet and cuddly, but there isn’t any point of hurting me, when I would be willing to give this to him freely.

I’ve read Why Does He That? So I know, that, he’s just abusive. I just wish he wasn’t.

I don’t need advice or anything. I’m just upset. He’s being nice, but him being nice just hurts too, because I had to work for it. It wasn’t freely given.

[NotYourMaid]

And since I’m feeling sorry for myself, I’ll just add that going to a store, any store, feels like torture. I just see food and snacks everywhere.

And I hate going for walks now. Because I just smell food.

I saw some dog poop on the sidewalk some days ago, and the very first thing I thought was that it looked like chocolate. And it made me hungry. It took my brain a couple more seconds to register what it really was. Then I practically ran inside the apartment, because that was just weird, scary, and depressing.

At least maybe this month will be better.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I’m just reading ‘Why Does He Do That’  too, and it’s really an amazing book. I guess you will have read the bit about all the real advantages that abusers get out of being abusive, and I suppose this answers these questions to some extent. I do think that, even knowing and accepting the incentives they have for being abusive, it still seems very alien to people who aren’t like that. I think the same about my partner as you’ve said about yours, ie: if he had just been the ‘nice’ side of himself I would have been happy with him and would have stayed. It seems weird that somehow they know how to be nice sometimes but have to mess that up by being horrible. In the end I came to the stark realization that the nasty (Mr Hyde) was the real him. The nice person didn’t really exist it was just a personality that he’d concocted to help him get what he wants in the world. To some extent it kind of explains why they can just be the ‘nice’ person, because it’s all false and they can’t keep it up for long. Maybe they even have contempt for that nice side of themselves just like they have contempt for all other nice people.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It should read: ‘ why they CAN’T just be the nice person’ !

[NotYourMaid]

Yeah, it’s just… weird to wrap my head around it. I don’t understand the idea of forcibly taking, what was originally freely given.

[Firsttimedivorcee]

Aw hun. I hear you. I hear the pain your in. The double minds, the constant guessing. It’s just another way to get to you. The letters seem like a brilliant idea as long as he has no way to access. I don’t think you’re looking for advice and you just want to talk. My inbox is open to you. I can listen x

[NotYourMaid]

Thanks. It’s nice being listened to here. It’s helping keep me together.

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