- This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hello,
Left husband months ago, he has tried being Mr Nice but it didn’t last and he wasn’t able to keep it up, jekyll and hyde and unpredictable by Whatsapp and phone, horrible messages from his mother too.
He has our older son overnight but doesn’t take the baby. Says he “doesn’t have the facilities” but also said there “isn’t much there” and there seems to be a golden child thing going on. I worry about the impact on the children as does my IDVA but I’m also not sure I want him to have the baby either. I am fearful of the impact he will have on our children the more knowledge I gain. He is a covert n********t. Lots of emotional abuse, manipulation, smear campaigns of me, gaslighting, intimidating, bullying behaviour. He currently idolises our oldest.
My issue is he had the oldest for 2 overnights twice in the summer holidays. This was because it was the summer holidays. We left to relocate near my family an hour away. He is now bullying me this evening to let him have 2 overnights again this weekend, he just started infant school last week. I have said no as this means he will be at school all week, will go Friday night, come back Sunday afternoon and go back to school Monday morning. We are very close, he is very little and I don’t think it is appropriate now he is at school. He is arguing with me and now bombarding me with phone calls. No doubt lots of Whatsapp messages but I am not looking at the moment. This is what he does if I don’t agree with what he says, bullies me. He will say I took them away and have them all the time. I say I left because of his appalling treatment of me over years and years after begging him to stop and change. He didn’t so I left with our children, fled actually. So why should I now give up my (one!) son and not see him atall for such a long period of time when the situation is all his doing. He denies it of course but I have various sources of evidence of mistreatment not to mention a distinct lack of interest in actually caring for our children when we lived together, also I have remembered him being abusive to me in front of our son when he was a baby and I was pregnant with our second, or rather I found several posts I had made online to a forum about it so that has helped with the FOG!!
We have no court order in place, he is temporarily living with his parents, its all very ad-hoc. He is unpredictable and drinks although not when our son goes to stay, well not heavily anyway but I suspect he drinks even more now that we have left. I don’t know where I stand and the more I read about this sort of person/family and the impact they can have on their children and the more I come out of the FOG, the more he continues to abuse me even though I have left (confirmed by counsellor), the more I wonder what the right ultimate answer is. Although it appears abusive husbands still get given the right to see their children and to continue to abuse the mother and/or the children even after we have left. I always try to do as he asks to avoid antagonising an already very angry man and sending our son into an even more toxic environment but why should I be bullied into this 2 overnights when I don’t agree it is right for our child now he is at school.
Help. I was doing so well as hadn’t heard much from him in the way of demands.
xx
-
I think it’s first and foremost deoendbt upon the happiness or not of the child after the two previous nights? Also a weekend away in first weeks of school isn’t really something any parent would consider. These first weeks back are exhausting and it would be v disruptive. It’s obvious from what he’s demandn that he is not putting the child first.
As you have sound reasons for keeping contact to a safe minimum exert your reasons, perhaps via a solicitor or third party, and cut all other avenues of contact, take copies of all his ausve behaviour on WhatsApp etc an then block h with a warning that any furthe abuse I’ll be reported to the police.
He will have to set out a case to court if he’s not happy with your constraints appropriate to his behaviour.
Stick with what you think is right for the kids and what they can or cannot manage.
Coram are specialist legal advice for child issues, nspcc, talk to GP too.
I know I felt very scared in your situation but just stick to the safe route.
Warmest wishes ts
-
-
hey hun
i would get advise from women rights , theya re a free legal line that can tell u where u stand, as a parent put his safety and needs first, what was your child relationship with his dad like, and does he want to see his dad, what is he like after returning from seeing his dad. Maybe every weekend would be a lot,maybe suggest one day instead. Im not sure of your personal situation, my kids were teenagers so i agreed to just one day a week and that was for just few hours with a supervised adult i could trust, again i watched my chidlrne beahviour, if they found upsettign or he never used to turn up the visit were then cancelled
-
keep boundaries in place to protect u and your child and d o what u feel is right, if he calls constantly and is abusive verbally say this is exactly why the access is not given and refuse to speak when he is been rude i used to be very clear on this not that they listen, hope that helps, and keep reaching out , this site is brill for support
-
Thank you all so much.
I made contact with my outreach worker this morning again, she has been on holiday but came back to me straight away today. She has put a referral out for me to hopefully attend a legal meeting with someone familiar with domestic abuse next week, I am also starting the Power to Change programme next week too.
So hopefully next week I will be able to talk to them about child contact, him only taking one child and not the baby, and also look into starting divorce proceedings. I am so scared of it all. Everything is fine if I do as I am told.
In the meantime he is bullying me to give in to 2 overnights this weekend. My worry is that I should as if he took me to court that is probably what they would agree but I don’t know this yet. I have never stopped him seeing either child or calling although he only has once since we left months ago. Its so hard as I know it is meant to be in the interests of the children to have a relationship with both parents but his behaviour and what I read makes me feel otherwise which I feel horrible for thinking but I don’t want our sons to become like him!
xx
-
It’s definitely isn’t in the best interests of he children being around an abuser. I wouldn’t, and neither did other mothers allow even one overnight with friends during those first weeks in school\back from holidays. They can find it exhausting, and his rights do not come above theirs…sadly I fell down badly on that one trying to engender a great relationship between them, even when they didn’t want to go and would call to be brought home. I had to buy phones to make sure they could always call.
They hated being near him if they were poorly at all, and I thought I was doing ‘the right thing’, but I really wasn’t and hate that I bent backwards in pushing them together 🙁
Stick to what feels right, young children ned consistency and plenty of safe rest!
Warmest wishes ts x -
It’s only in the best interests to have a relationship with both parents if one of them is not an abuser. He doesn’t idolise the oldest one, he sees him as easily manipulated. A tool and a weapon to use against you. Keep a documented account of all the times he has seen his children. A court will see that he hasn’t bothered to keep regular contact and that you were open to his keeping in contact. However there is only so much abuse a person can take or should take. He wants his son to come under his spell. The abuser wants to be idolised. It sounds to me like grooming.
attention
Affection
Gifts
coercion -
Gosh….KIP you know my story…my children were older and they were manipulated enough to finally want to go live with the abuser and with a judges blessing off they went….please don’t let this happen to you…let your support guide you…don’t worry about what the courts will think….I did that, I was scared of looking like a bad parent, that I wasn’t putting the children first…in fact you’re protecting your children…it may well be the contact yr ex gets will be through a contact centre…not at his home as he wishes….good luck
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
