Husband worse after therapy

[TiredZiggy]

Hi
My husband gets free therapy through work, I can’t afford therapy myself. He’s always been verbally abusive during arguments and we’ve had various issues throughout the years I do personally think he has convert n**********c traits, lack of empathy, refusing to see when he’s wrong, bullying tactics, gaslighting, manipulation not to mention a few. Not going into details as it’s all too long and complicated. He decided to seek therapy because there’s serious health issues within his family which he needs help coming to terms with. Thing is, since he’s been attending the sessions he’s actually becoming a lot worse to live with. He’s acting like a victim all the time, he’s become even more condescending during disagreements, he’s also becoming more controlling and arrogant. He suggested we do couples therapy a couple of weeks back but I refused. He once said to be (a few years back now) if we had marriage counselling the therapist would take his side and see what a terrible life he has with me. This sent alarm bells ringing and I’ve since refused to go with him, it always sticks in my mind. He’s a charmer and everyone loves him. My question is, is it common for people to get worse with therapy?

[Bananaboat]

It’s common for abusive people to manipulate therapy or use the info they learn in therapy against us, yes. It’s why marriage or couples counselling isn’t recommended for our relationships or you use a therapist trained in abuse. In fact my ex said exactly the same to me – we’ll do therapy so I can prove you’re the problem and like you I saw alarm bells and said no way. Lisa/moderator often recommends Bloom on here, I’ve not tried it but maybe worth looking at for yourself x

[TiredZiggy]

Thanks so much for the reply. I feel he keeps using it against me when I say I refuse to go. A few years back it was me suggesting it and that’s when he made his comment. Time has passed now he’s suggesting it. The very fact I’m refusing to go he’s saying that shows how it’s me with the problem because I refuse to go, I can’t win. It’s not that I don’t want couples therapy to gain ‘control’ or anything negative it’s just because I feel too vulnerable going with him. He’d use whatever I say against me at a later date as a tool. Also I’m the one to get more emotional in any sessions because I’m so incredibly hurt and he’d use this against me to validate how ‘unhinged’ I am. The problem is the therapists really don’t know what I’ve had to put up with behind closed doors. He’s so incredibly charming, the only person who didn’t fall for it once was a midwife I saw when I was pregnant. She took a real dislike to him. But generally people love him and tell me how lucky I am.

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