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Following covid my husbands job changed and he’s mostly working from home. He’s not liked the change and has made life difficult. I work out of the home and have sometimes come home to find him acting strangely, I’ve seen him staggering, and when I’ve asked if he’s been drinking he’s often turned on me, been insulting, said its all in my head. There have been issues with secretly drinking before so I knew I wasn’t wide off the mark. His behaviour was so odd sometimes I wondered if he was taking drugs. (detail removed by Moderator) he got up to get off the sofa and almost fell over, still denied drinking, an argument ensued with him calling me names, screaming at me and ultimately making me cry. The next day he said he absolutely hadn’t been drinking and let’s get on and I should stop being silly. On a calm period I explained how upset and anxious I felt, he said ‘I love you etc etc..honestly don’t worry there isn’t a problem..as stupid as it sounds after (detail removed by Moderator) nice weeks I felt myself relaxing..everything seemed easier, I was less worried at work about coming home. Then (detail removed by Moderator) ago I came in, he wasn’t like he’d been previously, sullen and angry, but he was being silly, inappropriate, and I knew he’d had a drink..I asked, he denied, he promised, next morning more reassurances. I got up for work and happened to go into his (detail removed by Moderator), not looking for anything, just a run of the mill house thing and there (detail removed by Moderator) was a glass, a tumbler you’d have a soft drink in, I picked it up, it was (detail removed by Moderator). Obviously he could no longer lie & deny..so then it was, I’m stopping drinking completely, I’m sorry, its not a problem. That’s it I’m stopping. I had to go to work pretending I was OK.. he’d drunk the (detail removed by Moderator) with our (detail removed by Moderator) working from home in the next room. 24 hrs of remorse..(detail removed by Moderator) he’s bought alcohol free (detail removed by Moderator), said I’ll have a (detail removed by Moderator) & try the (detail removed by Moderator)..I said (detail removed by Moderator). Lost his temper, screamed at me, swore at me. I haven’t told anyone whats going on, luckily one of our children has their own place so is unaware and the other one, I suspect has an inkling but goes to his girlfriends quite a bit. I feel so alone and totally traumatised. We’ve been married a long time and I’m so scared of the future
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Welcome to the forum, sorry you find yourself here. I remember that sinking feeling of dreading going home, not knowing what version you’d get & the lies about drinking/drugs. I found Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ a great place to start – you can find free pdf copies online or buy a version. It opened my eyes to all the other stuff he did too, see if you recognise any of it as this also helped me realise alcohol wasn’t the cause of his behaviour but a symptom of the abuse xx
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@Rose1 , I’m so so sorry to hear what is going on for you . Its not a very nice situation too be in . I’m not always helpful but my heart does go out to you . Dealing with someone who drinks is very difficult. My first husband was a big drinker and it’s not a very nice situation to put up with . The other issue you have had to deal with is the truth wasn’t being told too you another not very nice thing to have to deal with either. Alcohol can also cause people to become ill tempered too . I myself are in a second marriage this person doesn’t drink alot but does have a temper which is getting worse lately. I’m glad you found the forum and was able to get the chance too get things off your chest . A lot of us here have a great deal of empathy for you and there will always be someone who will be around to chat too . I’m waiting for my local womens aid to get back to me so I can chat with them about what’s going on I don’t know if it’s something you would consider. Sending hugs.
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Your welcome @Rose1 .
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Hi Rose1, this really resonates with me. I had a similar life, we worked different patterns, had been aware of the secret drinking. I eventually left and still supported him for the drinking until I finally realised, I was letting the drink be an excuse for the behaviour and came to realise who he truly was. After him attending AA and support groups, he became very clever and knew he could manipulate people because of the alcohol ‘problem’. The police have even referred to it as being a reason why he gets worse but he knows exactly what he is doing.
This is a good start for you, the behaviour is not acceptable. There are groups like Al-Anon out there, you could see if that is something you are interested in – I felt I needed to educate myself in order to get stronger and have more of an understanding of what I was dealing with.
Not much advice but sending lots of love xx
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Hi @Rose1
Not much advice I’m afraid – but I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand how difficult it can feel when your partner is a drinker. I spent a long time pretending everything was ok – until it really wasn’t and at this point social services got involved. Then he went into rehab and at that point I asked him not to come back.
I think the hardest thing is when he’s not drinking and I doubt myself all over again – especially when the children start to trust him and wonder why I don’t. And of course – he denies all responsibility and doesn’t understand why I don’t want to be his friend.
It is so much better now he’s gone – but it’s not easy.
Look after yourself. x
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Thank you for your support. He’s (detail removed by Moderator), still promising it won’t happen again. Unsurprisingly I’m wary of letting my guard down. I’ve done it before and experienced the awful hurt & disappointment of when it all goes wrong. He’ll be on his own working here (detail removed by Moderator) and I’ll be at work fearing the worst. If I could flick a switch, feel strong and be able to say I don’t care anymore, I’d do it in a heartbeat because I’m approaching the autumn years of my life and he’s causing me such distress
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