Hypervigilance or red flags?

[thepoppygirl]

Left somewhat abusive relationship. Later met a new guy and hes lovely, obviously we have our differences but it works and I don’t want it to go wrong. He’s completely different than the ex-partner. The only thing is he makes ‘jokes’ about hitting me. We play hit each other and we do have rough sex which is consensual, but he never actually hit me in anger. When I tell him i have concerns when he says he is gonna hit me he says things along the lines of he’d never actually do it, but then he would add something like unless its needed, and then he’d say he’s just teasing. He talks about hitting other people as well and says that if he did he doesn’t think he would be able to stop hitting and that’s why he always walk away from arguments etc. My family member remarked that the way he talks is aggressive. He says all that very casually and he’s always been in control of his temper so far, more than an average person. I just can’t stop being cautions, and tense. I don’t wanna leave just because of that but then again I don’t know if his jokes will turn into actions one day or if I just feel like that because of bad experiences. Any thoughts?

[lover of no contact]

Tbh I think they are red flags. Take things slowly; don’t get in so deep that you can’t extricate yourself. Time will tell. Don’t feel bad for being alert. You are both in the dating phase just getting to know each other. It’s safest to do what you’re doing and err in the side of caution. You’re not burying your head in the sand even though you have developed feelings for him. That is minding yourself. That’s good.

[RavenPagan]

Hey, they sound like red flags to me.

[Iwantmeback]

Red flags all the way. I was advised of being offer sensitive when it came to play fighting. All it’s doing is giving them the chance to see how far you’ll let it go. My problem was I wouldn’t ‘tap out’, just hurt him harder which in turn justified his really hurting me wirh saying if you can’t take it don’t play it. Always said that’s what he and his ex wife did.i doubt that very much now. For someone to admit early on that they’d like to hit others and not be able to stop is him actually warning you. The subconscious warnings are there, we just don’t listen hard enough sometimes. I will never allow another person to get that close, male or female, friend or family. I’m done with all the game playing and blame shifting. A joke is when something is funny, what he’s joking about is not funny and he’s testing your boundaries, listen to your gut. We don’t need a man to make us a whole person.
Love and light IWMB 💞💞

[thepoppygirl]

Has it turned into violence for you? xx

[HunkyDory]

Yep I agree with the ladies above. Is he aware of your past abusive relationship and its effect on you? If so and he continues to talk to you like this he’s hugely insensitive and I’d be looking to get out of the relationship if I was you. Definite red flags. Take care XX

[Cecile]

Hi, I am concerned for you. Many decades ago my relationship with my husband began like this – play fighting/wrestling which he pushed a little too hard, he had to win, just a tiny bit of force, At one point I got creeped out (I was much younger than now) as he seemed to be checking out my level of strength.(Because that is what he was doing but denied).
For his own psychological needs he had to win always, I now realise, and would say with satisfaction ‘I am stronger than you’ after pinning me down ‘playfully’. I soon gave up the play fighting as it made me very uneasy and somewhat scared. I was confused as he was a professional working in a caring profession with vulnerable people. What they TELL you can have a dissonance with what you yourself see or feel; the fact you are posting this uneasy account speaks volumes.
Decades later and `I feel my partner has won completely, having controlled me psychologically, emotionally and physically, and abusively in all areas, in an insidious and escalating way. Be careful!I wish I had listened to my unease so long ago.

[Fudgecake]

Most definitely a red flag.

[Popilol]

I’m in a similar situation. Split with an abusive ex in (detail removed by moderator). He has a non mol on him now.
Couple months ago I met a guy, we really hit it off. Problem is that I keep seeing red flags and I too wonder if it’s me being hyper vigilant/paranoid or if there is actually abuse going on. To me it’s all the classic symptoms. When he’s with me he’s amazing, attentive, gentle. But then there’s this jealous side of him. If I do something to upset him, for example mess around with a male friend, he goes off for 3/4 days n blocks me. He knows he’s creating anxiety. There’s so much more to it. I requested a Claire’s law on him today. Had a call from the police within an hour. Says it all really

[Still-trying]

Definitely a red flag. My ex was always telling me that I’m over sensitive and that things were just a joke, over time I believed him… over time he became violent.. but it’s important to note that it doesn’t need to be violent for it to still be abuse. Someone who is not abusive will respect that you don’t find such jokes funny and they will stop doing it. I genuinely believe these remarks are designed to keep you on edge and even more so if he knows about your previously abusive relationship. I mean really, what kind of person listens to stories about your past and then makes jokes that are actually directly related- they just aren’t funny!!

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