Hypothetical situation

[Ghost]

There was a time in the past when my partner beat my self-worth down with ‘helpful’ criticisms to such a degree that I self-harmed. I’ve never told anyone about this. His points about me were fairly valid, afterall, I am not perfect and sometimes my behaviour was indeed unreasonable.

Imagine this situation…

If I, the hypothetical abuser, was confronted by my hypothetical abused partner and battered into submission over my abusive behaviour, leading me to feel so guilty that I harmed myself, has my previously non-abusive partner become abusive?

[ISOPeace]

Great question Ghost, but no. Abuse is all about control and an imbalance of power created by (or exploited by) the abuser. The abuser and the abused can’t switch places, because by definition, the abuser has control and power over the abused. If the ‘abused’ could batter the ‘abuser’ into submission, it wouldn’t be an abuser/abused dynamic. I guess the closest you might get to this would be a toxic relationship where there is horrible behaviour in both directions, but it’s not the same.

An abusive relationship is like a kidnapper and hostage situation. Except more sinister, because the kidnapper has manipulated the hostage into being captive while thinking it’s a normal relationship. The hostage in an abusive relationship is imprisoned by the psychology of abuse. Even if the hostage says/does nasty things out of desperation, they don’t become the kidnapper, and the kidnapper has the power to punish the hostage for stepping out of line.

Abusers often gaslight the abused into thinking the abuse is for their own good. They also often respond to accusations of abuse by saying the abused is actually the abuser. It’s more gaslighting. It’s all part of the head f*ck of abuse that keeps you feeling too confused, weak and helpless to do anything about it. xxxx

[ISOPeace]

I just wanted to add couple of things.

Firstly, when abusers appear to be criticising “fairly” i.e. about things that are to some extent true, it doesn’t mean their behaviour is ok. Anyone who pushes you to makes changes, even supposedly for your own good, is not respecting you as a separate person who has the right to decide what changes you want to make. My ex was constantly criticising me for things that I wanted to change, so for a long time I thought he was justified. I can see now that he didn’t accept me for how I was. Somebody who genuinely loved me would have at most supported me compassionately about things I wanted to change. They wouldn’t have tried to shame me into changing to please them. Making changes under pressure of somebody else is either impossible or unsustainable, so it didn’t matter that I thought he was right. Plus with abuse it gets so hard to tell whether we genuinely agree with them or if we’ve been brainwashed into agreeing.

Secondly, with the hostage analogy, you might be thinking, well sometimes hostages do overpower their captor. But the difference here is that in an abusive relationship, the abused is restrained psychologically (the trauma bond). Those restraints take time and effort to remove. It’s not a case of just waiting for the right moment and suddenly you’re free, which is why people often find staying away after leaving so difficult.

Don’t confuse reactive ‘abuse’ i.e. lashing out in desperation with abuse. If you’re wondering whether the tables have turned or could turn, ask yourself whether the balance of power has/could have shifted. Is it possible that he would be intimidated by you? Are you no longer intimidated by him? xxxx

[Secretlife]

This is such an interesting post, thank you Ghost for your post. ISOpeace, you explain things in such an amazing way and I have read, and re-read your post several times with great interest. Sadly I can relate to so much of it. Particularly I have spent years trying to introduce changes into our married life and he chooses to never adopt any of them, I didn’t understand why and I have often felt extremely frustrated about this. I know why now, and this is something else I can add to my list of him not accepting me for who I am. It’s also interesting when you talk about power. As I am gaining knowledge, I can feel my strength building so much, I actually feel ‘powerful’ at times and I can now see the weak, inadequate man I am married to. I feel the dynamics of our relationship are shifting very slightly. I sense the feels I am becoming stronger and I know he is changing his tactics accordingly. I’m trying to stay one step ahead, but it’s not easy. I still have bad days, but I suddenly realised the other day that I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to. All this is largely down to this forum, the book I have read ‘why does he do that’ and the YouTube videos I watch on abuse. Knowledge is power, it really is, and I’m working really hard mentally to get myself out of this situation. I’ve waffled here, sorry, but this post has been enormously helpful to me. Thank you so much Ghost and ISOpeace xxxx

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