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Where to start? I guess at the beginning. Ours was a whirlwind romance, met at work, got together, got engaged (detail removed by moderator) started trying for a baby, planned a wedding, all in the space of (detail removed by moderator) (detail removed by moderator) on my hen night, it happened the first time. There was lots of alcohol involved and he came at me with a weapon. I rang his brother and him, his wife and their mother came. They phoned the police. I refused to make a statement and he was released without charge. He was remoursful and said it would never happen again.
We cancelled the wedding, it was a case of either having an empty church or a room full of people who didn’t really believe in us. We bogh said we would get help and the wedding would happen a year later. He didn’t get help. I made contact with a local alcohol abuse service as both of us were drinking heavily, he kept avoiding his appointments.
Then the controlling started. He didn’t like my friends or my job. I left it. I got another job, he didn’t like that either. I was pretty much living at his place full time, leaving my grown up children at our home. (detail removed by moderator)
Things changed for a little while, but then it happened again, and again, and again. The police came on one incident, i don’t know who called them, but we told them everything was fine and they left.
The next ‘big’ time, he actually called the police and told them i was going crazy. I managed to get out and ran to a place of safety. I bumped into his niece, who called her parents. I was taken to hospital, his brother went to the flat and he was arrested and (detail removed by moderator)
Didn’t take long for it all to start again, the drinking for days, the controlling, the ‘wrestling’ as he called it. I left him one night an came home, but the next day he was round begging forgiveness. I went baxck, again, but stayed at my house several nights a week. But It got much much worse.
He was arrested a few days later for drink driving, he smashed his bike. (detail removed by moderator)
(detail removed by moderator)
For (detail removed by moderator) he beat me. In between, he slept. I kept quiet as he was threatening to kill me. Everyone else was upstairs asleep. All i wanted was for him to go to sleep and sober up, but everytime he woke up it started again. He said he was going to kill everyone and make me watch, he strangled me, dragged me across the room by my hair and punched me repeatedly. Multiple times. (detail removed by moderator). Thats the point i screamed. I got the dog back in his box as i couldn’t get him out the door, but then i was pushed back onto the bed and he had the knife at my throat. I was scared he would stab me, even accidently. The neighbours must of heard as about 20 mins later the door went and there were (detail removed by moderator) police officers (hes resisted arrest before so the know to send more) arrived. I went downstairs an told them he had the knife. He jumped out the window an ran off. After coming back, twice, about an hour later he came back in through the window and they got him.
(detail removed by moderator). I’m not allowed contact.
I am in such a dark place i’m constantly having suicidal thoughts. I’m seeing various prefessionals an the crisis team having daily contact. I can’t see a way out, except this one. I still love him, i miss him terribly, and i hate myself because i do. I’m not eating, i’m not sleeping, i’m drinking heavily and not taking my prescribed medication.
On top of that, (detail removed by moderator) i rehomed my dog. He has seen/heard things he never should. Hes been through things i couldn’t protect him from. Hes been uprooted from his home and lozt the only alpha he knew. His behaviour was getting worse. I made the decision with my head, the absolute best thing for him. But the tiny pice of heart i had left went with him.
I want to go to the court. I need to see him, but then i don’t and i don’t know what to do. I’ve not had closure. I’ve not seen or heard from him in over (detail removed by moderator) and i’m getting worse with each day. I told them i had a plan. Look after the dog, make arrangements for my children. And have a tattoo. The dog gone to a foster home, i had my ink and the kids dad is coming at the weekend.
How can i still feel this way about a man that can do this? Why can’t i see a way out? Why is there no light? Why do i miss him so much? Why, if he gets out, would i give up everything to be with him, knowing i will probably end up dead anyway? It won’t stop. Nothing helps, no one can help me.
You are all survivors and i am the idiot that can’t turn it off. I don’t see how i am going to survive.
I’m sorry, for being such a f*** up
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Hey your not, be kinder to your self. My heart goes out to you. I think we can all related to this. Its when you bond with someone through trauma. You just cant put your finger on why you rely on someone who treats you so badly. I remember feeling the same helpless/terrified. Take each day at a time and reach out for all the support you can possibly get. It will get better in time honestly, keep going, keep strong and remember things change with time. Often for the better 🙂 hang in there.
Hugs to you xx
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Oh love! (((Hugs)))
There’s no need for sorry here. You have been to help and back. It’s awesome that you have found here and been so brave to write your story.I feel for you so much. You have been through so much.
Please keep posting on here and feel the support that we will all give whatever we can.
You have take a huge step in reaching out this way.
What you are feeling is the result of his abuses on you. Anyone that has been treated this way will feel the way you describe.
Please lean on us here for support, have you spoken with the helpline also? They are an all female team and its lovely to get real voice support from women who totally understand and will not judge you, in the way you are judging yourself and its totally confidential.
There is also the freedom programme, which u’ll help your brain to process wht you’ve b3n through by flagging up all the cmmon behaviours then you realize he’s not capable of love but hates women, which is why he has to dominate ac control them. It’s a some, not just you and I think thats important to know as there’s nothing wrong with you that made him do that. It’s just who he is, but it can take a very long time to really believe that.
You are kind and caring, you saved yourself and tat little dear doggie at much emotional cost to yourself.
I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing love?
Warmest wishes ts
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Hi and welcome. You have found a tremendous website full of fellow victims and survivors who won’t judge and will just support you on this roller coaster ride. As a victim of abuse, you’re not functioning properly mentally. Please google trauma bonding. And the cycle of abuse. It’s going to take time to come to terms and you will never very get closure from an abuser because they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. You only miss the ‘nice’ him who never really existed. The nice him was just an act to keep you hooked in. Abuse plays terrible games with our thoughts. Good counselling and time will help you. Loving him will never keep you safe or change the abusive dangerous selfish man he truly is. Use this time to learn what you can about the dynamics of abuse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. You’re going to have to go through withdrawal like a drug addict but it will be worth it if you can just get past these cravings to see him, abuse always gets worse and he will probably kill you if you continue contact. Two women per week are killed in this country by the partners who are supposed to love them. Please don’t be another statistic. I was in your shoes once. It’s dreadful and utterly heartbreaking despairing but you can get through this. Like I did. Take all the help you can get. You deserve so much more x
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Hi There,
You don’t have to be sorry, you have been through so much. This man sounds very dangerous, when someone we love hurts us in this way, it is hard to come to terms with. Men like this never change, they feel entitled to have power and control over women. You are not an idiot, you are a survivor.
Please do call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They can talk things through and offer some emotional support.
Your safety is the most important thing.
Take care and keep posting
Best Wishes,
Lisa
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Hi helovesmehesays,
I hope you’re okay, we are all here for you and to offer support.
What you have describe is horrific abuse. You can not go back to this man. This may come as a shock to be put so blunt but more than likely he will kill you. Abusers abuse in many different forms and it is evident your abuser is extremely dangerous.
What you are going through is called trauma bonding. Like the ladies have said give it a google! Also, my advice is to watch a video online called ‘Ted Talks- Unmasking the Abuser’ it is an excellent video describing exactly how these men are and always will be.
Do not put yourself down, we have all been in your position of missing our abuser. Just remember, any niceness they showed is fake, any forgiveness is not real. They will never change.
Do not waste your beautiful existence on someone who does not deserve your energy. You only live this life once, many women are killed due to their abuser. Remember how strong you are. Lots of love xx
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Thank you. I am just so confused by my emotions at the moment. Everyone keeps saying it will get better. I know it won’t.
The darkness just swallows me and i keep falling down this hole, i just can’t see anything to grab hold of.
The crisis team know how i’m feeling. They are the only ones i can be honest with. No one else wants to listen to what i feel inside.
I’m not strong enough to do this. I hate myself for loving him. Still.
I know you said this is no place for sorry’s. But i am. For being pathetic and weak
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So glad you managed to reach out here and that you have a crisis team supporting you.
We all feel pathetic and weak, and stupid, its what continued abuse does, because he’s always blamed us, always blocked our attempts to understand or shamed us for having feelings and deny our emotions.
Your reaction is normal, its his behaviour that’s not.
Please hang on, we’re all here for you, to help and support however we can.
I don’t know who would say it’ll get better as abuse only gets worse. Please call on all the support you have to talk this through, it will help you stay on track, and get stronger, clear your head to make decisions and choices.
Warmest wishes ts
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Just keep trying for another day. If another day seems too far off try for another hour. The way you are feeling is a normal, although highly unhelpful, reaction to the abuse. We have all craved contact and closure in the early days although it is actually easier to recover if we don’t get it.
People are telling you things will get better because they can. You at rock bottom at the moment, so they can’t get much worse, so logic says that when things start to change they are going to have to get better. No one’s mood can stay the same indefinitely – I know it can feel like that when you are depressed, but something always changes in the end.
Until the light comes back just keep going. The reading that people suggested will be useful when you are ready. But it is also ok just to do whatever gets you through the day. My go to is colouring in, as it uses just enough brain power to stop me thinking, without being overwhelming. Try to be kind to yourself. It’s hard when the person you love has convinced you that you are not worth common kindness (and being with partners who hurt us does that). But you can practice and it will get easier. Even if you practice with what seem like stupid things like giving yourself permission to wear pajamas all day, or to add a bunch of flowers to your grocery shop. It feels pointless and contrived when you start, but I think it is one of those “fake it til you make it” things. If you can be kind to yourself and do nice things for yourself you gradually start to believe you are worth it and that helps with recovery.
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TwistedSister – everyone is saying i will get better, not the situation i was in. Sorry for confusion.
Tiffany – i watched the ted speaks video last night, ended up having a nightmare that he shot me 🙁 i’m taking it minute by minute, think i’ve gone the other way with sleep now, i keep dozing off. I didn’t drink anything yesterday, will try again today.
Thank you all, again x
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That sounds like a good task to try for. It’s one I am bad at – I often don’t drink enough water. But it definitely makes me feel a little better when I accomplish it (because being dehydrated makes everything feel worse probably.) You’ve actually inspired me to try for that again today. I have never figured out a solid system for accomplishing it. I have friends who swear by carrying a water bottle round with them so they can have a drink whenever they think of it, but I inevitably forget and leave mine somewhere. Other people fill jugs or huge bottles so they can see how much they have drunk. I tend to go for occasionally remembering that I am thirsty and then drinking an entire pint of water to try and catch up. Wouldn’t entirely recommend this route though. Maybe try making or buying drinks you really like a just sip them slowly if drinking is hard.
I am sorry that you have hit the nightmares stage. Mine were pretty horrific when I left. I think it is probably your brain finally having the space to process what happened to you, rather than focusing on survival, so I guess maybe it is a good sign even though they feel awful. I ended up much more scared of my partner after I left than I was when I was with him because I was able to process what he had done to me. I was glad when the dreams faded out. Took a couple of months for the frequency to decrease and about a year to get back to my normal pattern of very occasional nightmares. That timeline is different for everyone though. Fingers crossed yours is shorter.
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Ah OK! And yes, indeed this will pass, you jus have to ride it out getting g all the help you can. Come here and post, speak to helpline, Samaritans, anyo e you can think k of.
Having those awful nightmares is horrific, I used to be scared to go to bed, to sleep ft fear of hem, I would sleep anywhere to avoid them, like the floor and sofa (a lot!). Wrap yourself in kindness and support, maybe speak to docs about meds to help? Meditation, anyhih hat orks for you, its a horrible time and I still get them, but nothing like at first.
Warmest wishes ts
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Hello my dear. You have had a lot of good advise and warm words. Not much I can add. All I can say, I know how you feel. I am out of this relationship and feel much better. But while I was in it, I always thought I can never manage to leave him. Cos I love him. I love him too much, I am addicted to him. And despite being treated horribly, I would hold on to those moments when I see the old him, passionate him, the loving him. I would come to this forum, write my story and then feel I let down everyone cos I come back to him or want to give him another chance, the nth chance. Even after police got involved and charged him for assaulting me. I felt I am helpless case and I would stay with him till I die or kill myself.
But I left. I surprised myself when I realized that this is for good. And once I went no contact with him and people that knows him, only then I started my journey to recovery.
I just want to say. Even though it sounds impossible now to move on, to be happy, to stop loving him, stop craving for him. It is possible. Your life is worth so much more!!! You deserve a beautiful life so please don’t give up on it.
And also this forum was a life saver for me 🙂 I hope you will find it same comforting.
Lots of love. -
💐 so sorry to hear this 💞🙁
At these times all you can take is baby steps, slowly slowly. Please know you are worth so much more than he made out.
Focus on anything in life that you can enjoy. Did you say u had ink for your tattoo?
I have too been suicidal, not able to cope any more. Do you find your crisis team a good source of support?
It’s a shame that they can’t bring meds to you to take, as I thought that was a thing, that meds could be taken under supervision. I don’t advocate drug therapy really, and I od’d on anti anxiety tablets/alchohol etc, at the worst of my experiences. I know how awful I felt to be at that point that I couldn’t take any more, my huge issue was the massive lack of support. I think with a lot of support it can make sub a difference to feeling human again, and worthy, of talking of listening of other human company. It makes all the difference, and I hope the crisis team are making you feel that
I know they are often just a string of strangers coming into your home, but use them as much as you can to get more support and practical help to get you through this worst bit of he separation.Thinking of you. More 💐
Warmest wishes ts
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Don’t give him the satisfaction. Speak to an expert about these thoughts. Talk to the Samaritans. I contemplated suicide for years but I’m so glad I didn’t do it. I have a good life now and you can have that too. You’re just stuck in a fog of abuse. If you take your life he has the last word and I can just imagine the him milking it for his own gain. Not taking prescribed medication will make a healthy thought process even harder to maintain. Just take baby steps. Messing about with medication may not give you the result you require. You could have a stroke. Take the advice of the professionals.
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THem refusing you this medicine could well be enough to tip you over the edg.(Detail removed by Moderator)
Your doctor absolutely should and would know this so the crisi team should be supporting you with this.No wondee you are feeling so very bad at the moment.
Please hang on in there. We’re here for you.
Warmest wishes ts
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Dear Helovesmehesays
sorry, i must have misread that, i thought you’d said they wouldn’t give you tabs anymore as a result of your suicide attempt.
how are you doing there? Is crisis support helping at all?
i hope you feel you can come here to post and talk through some of what you are struggling with? I had such a meltdown last night and was so supported by the samaritans. maybe they could be a real voice on the end of the phone for you too, and the helpline.
please reach out to as many as you can, we all want you to come out of this, to hope for better and have the better life you deserve.
warmest wishes ts
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