I am broken

[cupcakes]

I can’t make sense of anything his out to destroy me and that’s that

I have seeked help and advice and it’s got me nowhere no one can help me

I am broken

[Twisted Sister]

only have short time here but wanted to say to try not make sense of him, he’s senseless and irrational and yes, probably out to destroy you, allyou can do is be as safe as you can from his attempts.

have you spoken to the helpline?

[Anonymous]

Cupcakes what is trying to do . Pm.me you want vent about it stayet strong x

[Lisa]

Hi Cupcakes,

I hope that you are ok this morning. We are all here for you and will do our best to help you if we can. Is there a safe time that you can phone the helpline? They will not tell you what to do but they might be able to help you see some options that perhaps you haven’t considered.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Serenity]

Hi Cupcakes,

A big virtual hug.

I’ve been where you are. I know the pain is indescribable; unbearable.

First of all, I would like to say that it’s natural for us to try to make sense of things, but we never can, because abuse is senseless and goes against all moral norms.

It’s natural for us to go over and over things that happened, dissecting things. I think it’s his had its value, helping us to discern what abuse is, but a way, if we were to make sense of it, by understanding it, minimising it or excusing it, we would have a mind like our abuser! But we are good people who find abuse unacceptable, as it certainly is. So there’s a sense in which we can never- and maybe must never- ‘make sense’ of it. The day that we accept abuse and what happened to us would be a worrying day.

When I did the Pattern Changing course, one of the sessions was about moving on, and how we need to fill that space on our head where our abuser lives rent free with some other, more positive things.

At the time, I thought it was a bit of a tall order, and in fact I wasn’t nearly ready to teach that stage. For many months more, I continued to turn things over and over in my mind, reliving the abuse, analysing it all and thinking how dreadful it all was ( which it was), but in a sense I was putting myself through abuse daily by re-living it and believing that his actions had a direct relation to my worth as a human being.

You will get to the point where your head feels like it’s going to explode if you try to comprehend it any more ( in fact, you may be at that stage ), because the abuse that exists in the world is incomprehensible, and must never be understood or accepted.

There is a strange release in accepting that fact. That you don’t need to accept or understand it. That you can live the rest of your life believing and stating, if needed, that the abuse was hideous and there was no excuse for it, and no one should try to make you think otherwise.

Accepting how unacceptable it all was ironically stops that horrible tension within yourself.

In terms of him trying to destroy you, I can again sympathise, as my ex tried to and continues to try in different ways.

I think there are a few things here. Firstly, we are believing their fake mask of strength if we believe they are strong enough to destroy us. Because it is a fake mask: underneath they are weak and cowardly bullies. If they weren’t weak, they would have no need to try to destroy others. Don’t mistake bullying for strength. There’s nothing strong or intelligent about how they behave. We beat them hands down when it comes to strength and intelligence.

It’s important also to begin to believe that you are worthy or peace and happiness. Abusers make us question ourselves. Abuse leaves us feeling damaged and unworthy, but we need to remind ourselves that the abuse was inflicted by an unstable and skewed person, because they were unstable and skewed. They had no right to behave as they did, even if you weren’t or aren’t perfect.

Abusers have unrealistic expectations of others: they demand perfection, but even if others werw perfect towards them, they would still abuse. That’s because – despite what they say- it’s not our behaviour that causes the abuse: it’s their inner state. It’s their anger, jealousy and whatever other dark forces exist within them.

Every human being- including and especially you after all you’ve suffered – has a right to live in peace. Make there comes a point where you have to say ‘I’m going to stop trying to understand it- life is short, and I must just stop thinking and try to enjoy my life.’ I am fighting to live a simple life now, where I can enjoy small things. I am done with letting him fill my head. When I think of him, I try to replace it with other, more practical things. I don’t want to be pulled into his cerebral works of dark thoughts.

I find physical activities help to pull me out of that. Exercise, yes, but even something physical like cleaning out a drawer or baking a cake.

Melanie Tonia Evans says how we begin to heal when we move the focus from our abuser to ourselves. It’s a massive step to do this after avuse, but once we do, we can begin to thrive , not just survive.

Our abusers want to continue to live rent-free in our heads for years to come. But we must turf them out, give them their marching orders. And we must accept and protect ourselves for who we are- brave, imperfect, courageous, principled, intelligent and worthy.

You can handle anything that comes your way. Susan Jeffers in her book ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’ says to repeat this like a mantra. Every time he does anything, tell yourself you can handle it, and you will win.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Cupcakes,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad, what the others have said is exactly right, that we can never truly understand abuse since it is senseless and cruel and we would never think the way abusers think because thankfully we are nothing like them. I totally understand th struggle, every day my brain goes through what he did but it can start to make me feel worse because it always comes back down to the fact that my ex was evil, cruel and calculating and it’s so painful to think about.

Serenity I love your reply, it has helped me too a I am currently stuck in the same stage of it going round in my head. It’s so true about how we need to shift our thinking towards ourselves to start thriving, I guess it gets easier to do this the more time has past and with therapy etc.

Cupcakes what help and advice did you receive? Sometimes we have to keep looking for the right help and advice, please keep going and get the support that you need.

[cupcakes]

Hi Sorry I have not replied to any of your messages thank you so much for your replies it’s just good to know I have people out there listening. I am worried my friends are getting fed up with me.

I feel like the advice and help so far is it’s bad but not bad enough for anyone to help.

I am too scared to do the occupational order as he will contest this in court and I can’t face that what if the judge says it’s not that bad.

I can’t afford my solicitor any longer.

I am looking for somewhere to live but that’s harder than I thought too.

I might as well bang my head against a wall.

He is still in the house and will not go so I have to carry on and live this nightmare called my life

[KIP.]

Hey, have you contacted your local womens aid? They wont judge and have lots of contact with other organisations. Local housing etc. I was prioritised because of domestic abuse. A good solicitor will be able to tell you what your chances of an occupation order is. I got mine pretty easily because of his abusive behaviour meaning i was safe in my own home. We minimise their behaviour but others wont. Its only going to get worse while youre with him. I would take my chances with court.

[Serenity]

You don’t need a solicitor to get the non mol/ occupation order.

I went through the NCDV. They gave me a choice of sending me guidance notes and writing it and serving it to him for free by myself- or them writing it based on my telling them what had happened and them serving it to him for £100.

My solicitor was very surprised I had done this by myself x

[Author]

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