I am confused what to do

[Rain bowed]

I married a man originating from the same country where I originally came from, whom I thought had the same values and views in life, building a family, will be working for the future of our kids. He knows that my ideal man should be God fearing, family oriented and loyal at all times. But after marriage, I basically found out that he was into (detail removed by moderator). I was shocked didn’t expect that (detail removed by moderator). I reacted that I am not supporting his vice but he said its only a hobby, his likes for (detail removed by moderator). I believe and trusted him with his words. Basically we met, (detail removed by moderator) After (detail removed by moderator)weeks of exchanging messages/ knowing each other thru text messages and calls, he finally came to visit me and on our first night something happened between us which I feel I let my morals down. It was perfect yet I feel guilty doing what shouldn’t be doing before getting married. (detail removed by moderator) I was shock and deflated, initially confused. why on earth would he do that? what mess have I have done. Would he just be using me (detail removed by moderator)? Is that the reason why he is after me? So many questions but I dare not voice it out thinking it will embarass and hurt him. Instead we decided to plan and get married, we sought legal advice of what is the best thing to do, all for my love to him. After (detail removed by moderator) of being together we decided to tell our parents and get married, so he went home. His parents were all open arms to the plan, mine was the opposite. Degrading and humiliating, trying to ask his real purpose (detail removed by moderator). He was hurt and he pulled out the plans and we had a big argument. His (detail removed by moderator) came to talk to me and ask me to reconsider and talk to him again to push thru with marriage, and I did because I do love him. So, we got married despite my family was against it and we decided to live here. After (detail removed by moderator) year, we had a (detail removed by moderator). We ((detail removed by moderator))  I decided to stay behind for (detail removed by moderator), and him with his siblings came back to UK. Few (detail removed by moderator) passed and I was back with the baby here in UK, (detail removed by moderator). I told him to see the GP, I didn’t know what was going on with him and he didn’t tell me either until I was informed by the (detail removed by moderator) doctor that I needed to go in the clinic for treatment because my husband has STD and more likely I have one.I asked him how did he get it, he was lost of words and then said maybe from my previous GF. I said it couldn’t be because when I conceive the baby they checked everything on me and they have not found anything. His brother, eventually told me that before coming back to UK they went out with (detail removed by moderator), rented a (detail removed by moderator) with paid girls. He then admitted maybe he had sex with them apparently he can’t remember because he was drunk. I was shocked, so angry, feel betrayed. My trust for him was zero and I couldn’t bear being with him that I ask for him to leave but he wouldn’t leave. He beg and ask for my forgiveness. Me with my soft spot on him forgave him and thinking as well that I want (detail removed by moderator) to grow with a complete family. Eversince though, my trust has never been 100%, at the back of my mind saying what if he does it again, I was jealous and observant on how he treat girls when I am around. I always feel he is flirting/cheating behind my back. And when being confronted he was always short tempered so I stop so there will be no arguments. He is a very social person and always inviting people weekly for a drink in our house. And when they drink, they were literally drunk. And everytime he was drunk he wants to have sex with me which I noticed and ask him why when he was sober. Apparently it was good feeling. I just thought it was normal way of making love and his feeling towards it. I told him one day that he needs to taper down or stop his weekly drinking with his friends because its affecting our budget. Initially he wasn’t happy and said I was controlling wife. So I spoke with (detail removed by moderator) thinking he might listen and he did stop with some exchange that instead of spending that money on drinking he will (detail removed by moderator) which I agreed. Our family expanded and we had (detail removed by moderator) further kids. Along that period, we had arguments because he was sending money for (detail removed by moderator). I told him he cannot do that anymore because the household income is not enough for all the expenses here. He was not happy with that and said I was controlling him. It continues despite my argument that he needs to set his priorities. He would stop sending money and then sending again until I said to him, why would you just do it only when we go home on vacation and not doing it while in UK, he agreed with it. For sometime, our family life was peaceful, happy, aminable with some few small issues like household chores since we had (detail removed by moderator) small kids. It was difficult but between us we manage childcare without using outside help. I decided to go part time and he was full time. After our (detail removed by moderator) child he seems to be engrossed with pornographic videos (detail removed by moderator) Initially I thought it was okay maybe he just need a boost to get him going, but since then he has been doing it and I feel uncomfortable with it and ask him if he could concentrate on just me instead but he ignored me, one time though he was angry so he stopped and we went to sleep him sulking, I feel guilty that I have let him unhappy unsatisfied with our lovemaking. Since then he has been distant and seldom he would ask me unless I will ask him. Our intimacy has not been the same, in a span of (detail removed by moderator)months we would just be doing at least once or twice that is if I ask him and that make me feels awkward because it feels that I was the only one wanting and begging for it. His reasons were I am tired, I need to sleep I have work, or lets just do it tomorrow and when it comes the next day it is forgottten. And if we will do it, he will watch pornographic video as his climax, I just ignored it thinking it is okay to let him happy and be satsified himself, I kept blocking my mind that it is just part of a ritual when doing lovemaking. One time, (detail removed by moderator), again I was surprised and he was uncomfortable taking the call and he ended the call quickly saying he will call her back. That wasn’t the first time that woman called and sometimes she will text, and he always kept mentioning her name in between our conversation and I do not know why. Something in my gut told me that he was having an affair with this woman so I ask him and he denied and was angry that I ask. I feel he wanted me to stop questioning him about her by getting angry and it gives me a gut feeling that something is going on between them but I just don’t have the evidence to prove it. He even told me what do you want me to do, resign? Of course he wants me to do the decision so I will feel guilty. I said no, but to avoid that woman. I do not know if he is just good in hiding or if it had stopped completely. (detail removed by moderator), we had a big argument (detail removed by moderator) I felt annoyed, that he didn’t told me of his plans. (detail removed by moderator) he wasn’t happy making lots of rude comments and threatening, accusing me I am controlling him and treating him badly in front of his friends. And me, not knowing what’s gonna happen and being annoyed at him that he (detail removed by moderator), we ended up exchanging hurtful words in the end he tried to strangle me in front of my kids. I was so shaken, i could hear my girls crying in the background, my little boy shouting papa stop!papa stop! That time the car was in (detail removed by moderator). I was so scared he hit the side of the car with his fist, he was so angry at me. I didn’t speak to anybody about it and felt I need to be strong for my kids because I could see they were scared for me. I pretended I was okay. Apparently he can’t remember strangling me when the social worker had spoken to him. My little boy in school told the story to his teacher and social work was involve and safeguarding was put in place that he is not allowed to bring the kids and myself (detail removed by moderator). But this has not stop him drinking. I have been told by the kids that he still continues to drink when I am not with them and they go to a party and when I told him, he was sarcastic with it , saying who cares about safeguarding, let them put me into jail. Lately, coming back (detail removed by moderator), he was always on his phone texting and watching videos about (detail removed by moderator). And despite him being around physically he is not with me as if his mind was somewhere and again I had felt that something is not right. So, I checked his messages and found out he has been sending money behind my back to (detail removed by moderator). I was so devastated but pretended I didn’t know because I want him to tell me all about it. (detail removed by moderator) had passed and he didn’t even mention a word anything about, carrying on with our daily routine. Until I discovered again messages about (detail removed by moderator) and that he was sexting someone from (detail removed by moderator). OMG! I was really hurt, disrepected , not valued as his wife. How can he do this to me, lying? Sexting? Am I not enough? I completely turned away myself from him, stopped talking and moving away, sleeping in the floor of (detail removed by moderator) bedroom. I was really feeling low but still continue with daily routine and going to work. He himself continued as he was despite him knowing I wasn’t right. I was so angry that when (detail removed by moderator) message me I blurted all out about them conniving about the secrecy behind this money sending, I was so hurting and felt betrayed. But despite that, my husband knowing from (detail removed by moderator) that I know already about his secret he didn’t show any remorse and continue to do daily routine at home, going to work etc. He even stated on his message to (detail removed by moderator) I do not care but I will do whatever I want. It was hurting me so much, that it made me feel so low in mood, tearful most of the time but needed to be strong for my kids and not let them know what was happening. But one night, I couldn’t contain it anymore, so I told him the urgency to talk when the kids are asleep. I ask him what is happening with our relationship and he throw the question back to me saying that I am the problem, I am making it a big issue. I was so angry even more, to him it was not a big issue is he making fun of me? Making me look stupid? His excuse was, it was his money and he is already providing our needs when he send the money and he didn’t let me know because definitely I will not agree with it. D**n he is right! But with good reasons. I do not understand how could he have excess money to send when in myself I am really trying to juggle and budget the money. It is just selfish and unfair. I trusted him but what has he done, betrayed me again. I ask him about the sexting he just laugh at me, because I have dirty minded, it was just a forwarded message and has no meaning. I am just making it a big issue again, he hasn’t done anything wrong. What? Making me look stupid again. So I ask him, why did you delete it as soon as you sent your message and when you receive her message you delete it as well, so what is the meaning of that? How do you want me to feel? Nothing? You are making me crazy. He said you violated my privacy you have been reading my messages. So I am the bad person now, turning the tables against me because I have known his darkest secrets and lies. I am confused and he is making me feel so down, is this my fault? Am I controlling wife? Am I abusing him? I told him to move out in order for the separation to proceed but he doesn’t seem moving, he said if we could try counselling and he told me I am making a big mistake because he hasn’t done anything wrong. It brought me to realization with this recent argument that I had enough and I don’t want to be with him anymore. I am feeling unloved, betrayed, disrespected and not valued as a wife anymore. But I am worried about the impact for my kids. Again I don’t want them to feel that I am a selfish mother keeping a complete family but on the other hand, his behaviour is mentally dragging me down and I am scared where this could lead to. Please enlighten me. Thank you for reading.

[Lisa]

Hi Rain bowed,

You’re not selfish for wanting to be safe; your husband sounds incredibly dangerous to be around- both for you and your children. Very often perpetrators of abuse will turn the situation round on the other person, and it’s very common for the woman to start believing that she is responsible for the abuse. What he’s been doing is not your fault. You’re not the controlling, abusive one here; he is. He chose to strangle you, he chose to go behind your back and spend money. He’s saying you’re the abusive one to deflect the situation away from you.

It’s very common for perpetrators to refuse to move out. They will often make the separation process very difficult; this is because they realise they are loosing control so they will try to keep the abuse going for as long as possible. It would be good for you at this point to try and get as much support in place as possible; try not to confront him about his behaviour towards you as this is likely to escalate the situation for you.

You could contact your local domestic abuse service who very often have access to legal advice if you need this, or you could contact a worker from Women’s Aid via the Live Chat (Mon – Fri 10am – 12pm).

Please keep posting and keep reaching out for support- both you and your children deserve to live a life free from abuse.

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Rain bowed]

Thank you for your advice. I feel, the last two months has been a roller coaster and feels its all down to my fault and had been feeling very low but he is the complete opposite, staying so calm and unaffected, and it makes me feel more sad that he doesn’t seen to care. He told me he is not the showy kind of person. He is the complete opposite at this time even the tone of his voice to me and the kids are so soft spoken, as if he he is a different kind of person, a change man. So now, I am so confused. I was so decided that I am letting him go, I even told him in person and in writing but he said he wants to save our family and to give him another chance. . As if I haven’t given him lots and lots of chances. He always says sorry thru text but not in person, is this for real sorry? Why can’t he say it to me in person?

[Author]

Posts