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My partner is attending a psychologist, says he is committed to change but the alarm bells inside me have not stopped ringing. He has been lovely, he has been caring but then he always could be, that’s why I fell in love with him. Then Recently he was talking about a friend’s child, a conversation he had had with him where he belittled him after he asked a perfectly reasonable question. Not only did he do this to essentially a child but he then retold the story as though it was funny. I felt sick inside. It reminded me of how he used to talk to all of us constantly. Then it hit me, he’s not essentially changing as he doesn’t really get it. He thinks it’s ok to do that to a child and as long as he is up and someone else is down then he’s happy. I know he’s made progress with the therapy, I know he is reacting less impulsively but essentially he still wants to feel good by making others feel bad. Am I overreacting to one off the cuff comment? I’ve contacted estate agents, not putting it off anymore but I’m filled with fear that I’m doing the wrong thing but at the same time deep down I know it’s the only thing I can do for my kids. Need reassurance. Am I acting out of uncontrolled emotions or am I doing the right thing moving on?
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Dear ENF,
When I was with my ex some things happened, when he was relaxed which made me think hmmm, you are not all that you seem………………It made me suspicious about his integrity, despite his protestations to the contrary (he was a quiet charmer). These were all subtle things that happened every so often, not frequently.
He would belittle subtly people with learning difficulties
He would be disrespectful and arrogant, i.e road rage & parking across peoples drives without batting an eyelid
He could not acknowledge achievement. We met a couple out walking, they had completed a challenge of walking a certain distance over a particular time scale, they were proud & happy. He said something like “is that all?” I felt really embarrassed and I could see sadness in their eyes when he said that
He would lie comfortablyThese little snippets cast doubt in my mind about him.
I created a thread on here recently which you may like, its called staying aware of potential con men. I question how much throughout our whole relationship was he honest and himself, I think maybe 25% of the time. The rest he was an abusive chameleon.
X*X
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Omg! That’s exactly what he’s like. If he’s out in the garden he has awful “music” blaring without a care for the neighbours. At my old house he started neighbour wars with inappropriate parking. When I got an A at a uni assignment I thought I’d failed he said he “didn’t know what all the b****y fuss was about”. When my son won a national competition he said, “are you just gonna grin all night!?! “.
He needs to feel on top by making others underneath him. The thing is I don’t honestly think he sees it. He’s desperately trying to change but he just doesn’t get it. X -
Yes my ex used to play loud music comfortably he did not consider the neighbours. I felt awkward & uncomfortable, his actions were disrespectful.You have said he doesn’t see it, is even more worrying. That is him, his natural base behaviour. I think you will have a job on your hands, people changing can take years & years of psychotherapy.
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Try to remember the caring him is just a mask. The real him is a cruel nasty self serving individual. Have you read the books by Lundy Bancroft. He says these men don’t change. Why would they when they’ve always got their own way by using this behaviour. Why would you want that kind of influence around your own children. Try to get the house sold asap before he changes his mind. He can make things very very difficult and very very expensive for you to get rid of him.you are not responsible for his behaviour. How do,you actually know he’s going to a psycologist?
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I do know. I’ve seen the payments going through, it’s very expensive. He doesn’t look well, he’s lost a lot of weight and is finding the situation very stressful which I totally get. He doesn’t talk much about it but when I asked him, he said he is working through some very tough stuff and facing behaviour he’s ashamed of. I can’t help but feel though he doesn’t really understand what is basically right and wrong. He now feels I’ve been messing him about as I voiced my concerns and he’s agreeing that the house is sold. He’s saying I’ve built him up and given him hope just to kick him down, doesn’t want me to be in contact with him at all. That’s not a problem for me as its him that always gets in touch with me, don’t have difficulty not contacting him. I have a sales mandate all signed so he can’t prevent it and every month I’m paying his mortgage share which he has to pay back when house is sold so I have all this in place. I just hoped that psychotherapy would help him and I think in time it will but I have just been through too much to trust him. The horrible thing is he will probably be ok in his next relationship. It’s just the realisation that no matter what he does now to fix it it’s not fixable. I’m terrified of facing another house move on my own with my children. It was bad enough last year, this time I’m totally on my own. If only there was a button u could push to be transported into a new place, wherever that is. It’s so frightening but having him here and belittling kids and I constantly would be worse. I wouldn’t survive it again. It’s choosing the lesser of two evils. Just feel so sad for the loss of the life I was promised. It’s horrible. i just don’t feel I have a choice. I also have a gut feeling that when I’m not giving him what he wants the nasty him will come back. How can he think that after everything he put us through a few sessions with a psychologist will fix it and I can trust him again? It really is like dealing with an infant. My teenage sons have much more emotional maturity than I believe he is ever capable of. Just feel I don’t have a lot of support. I’ve had to distance myself from my mother which has made day to day less stressful but he interpreted this as me choosing him over my mum. He asked me why I stood up to my mum if I didn’t want to be with him, and tried to make comments about my mum disliking him for no reason even before all the police and court stuff which I objected to as I didn’t feel it was valid or relevant. Had to explain that the two things are not linked, that it’s about me being master of my life. He just doesn’t get it, at all. My outreach worker is lovely, and said it was great he was taking steps to change and if he continues to do so then there’s no reason I have to cut off from him if I don’t want to but it needs to be in my time, on my terms. While the house is not on the market he is going to use that over me though to put on pressure. I don’t want that so I need to move on. I just hope that the therapy makes him react in a better way and the crazy stalking and intimidation don’t tear up again. X
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His next relationship will be just as bad. These men don’t change so don’t worry about that. If you want to predict his future behaviour, just look at his past. He has shown you what he is capable of. Please be very careful. As soon as he feels the control slipping, he will change tactics. I don’t agree with your outreach worker. You have seen the crazy stalking and intimidation. Who would encourage that back into their lives? You are not responsible for his actions. He is. You cannot change him, but you can accept moving on, a new future for,you and your children. I felt alone and isolated when dealing with him. It’s a terrible burden to go through something so unpredictable. Stay strong and trust your gut. Why should you wake up anxious every morning because of his relationship? Keep moving forward. No contact is the way to go, don’t let him mess with your head ❤️
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Dear ENF, I think that you should go ahead with the house sale asap and tie up and financial loose ends once that has been done. This is causing an added problem on top of the relationship.
You seem to be putting a lot of emphasis on therapy & this changing him so that you two will fit. I have heard that it can take years & years for therapy to have any effect, I dont think the stats are high for male abusers to change.
I felt desperately sorry for my ex. Since we split there have been times that I have felt so sad for him. I belive that he is a damaged soul who will go through his life having one catastrophe after another. I cared about him and this hurts me to think this. Shortly after we split up i thought really hard whether I could still be with him and under what terms. The outlook for me would have been devastatingly bleak, the quality of my life would have been total absolute rubbish, all for a man who had multitude of problems but who I cared about . I decided I valued my long term happiness & wellbeing over that so I chose not to ask him to get back together. I think it might help you to read again the chapter in 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics where it discusses the illusion of the fairytale relationship full of promise and why this is not realistic. X*X
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Thank you ladies. I agree with you Kip, I know there will be a backlash. The only thing that will prove is that I was right to walk away. I’ve told the kids this evening that the house will be going on the market. Told my eldest first and explained to him it was a choice between moving house and trying to make things work with my ex who has admitted his wrong doing and is getting help. He said he’d sooner live in a carboard box than stand in the same room as that vile individual. He said he was always up on himself but they way he acted earlier in the year was off the scale and he doesn’t want him near his mum or his brother and sister. Says it all really. I’m anxious now because I’m waiting for the backlash. But at least every day that passes is a day further on. X
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Good evening
I am pleased you posted this, Escaped but not free, because it mirrors some of my own feelings today. He is being civil, offering to help, being nice to the kids, not coming home drunk. It’s all stuff which any normal person should do automatically but this is taking effort on his part and he seems to be expecting a pat on the back. It makes it so hard to continue down the separation route when they are being nice – not because j have any feelings for him anymore because he burnt all those with his awful behaviour but with the kids seeing him like this. It makes it harder to do – I feel sorry for him . -
Oh, he sounds so much like my ex! Nasty, snide comments when anyone was happy, cruel comments that could burst your bubble of joy in a second.
It’s those little comments that give you real insight to the real monster that’s lurking underneath that fake exterior. Most of the time, they either act charming, or hide their unsavoury character by blaming others and projecting. Sometimes, the real them slips out. The reason it slips out is that they might be off guard for a second, or that they essentially don’t even think that their actions are even wrong.
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