I am feeling more lonely since I have left

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

My ex has been released from prison on bail with strict conditions (detail removed by Moderator).
I feel safe because of these conditions, however, I feel extremely alone.
I feel I had more support when I was with him – I got to be with him all day because he worked from home whilst i worked part time and was also a home maker.

I know it wasnt healthy that we spent all day together but i felt he was my best friend. I know he hit me all the time and made me cry but my life feels so empty without him.

i had a dream a few days ago of me hugging him in our old bed and i could even smell his natural scent he used to smell like before we would go to bed every night. i didnt want the dream to end.
i keep dreaming of us reconciling after prison, i know deep down i want him back and i cant admit this to anyone. i just wish i could be with him i know he beats me. (Detail removed by Moderator).

it has been over (detail removed by Moderator). since i have left so why do i still love him? when he hurt me all the time?
(Detail removed by Moderator).

but he was also always there for me at the same time. i know how could i love such a man? life makes no sense to me anymore.

i am now in my mid (Detail removed by Moderator) and in my culture im seen as old, im surrounded by married peple with kids who are my age or younger. it makes me sad because i know what if i never have this chance to have a family.
my friend has no interest in talking to me if i ever say i miss him she said aint u over it yet.. she encourages me to date but i have no interest in this. i dont know if i will find love again. i tell myself i miss him onyly because im lonely i dont really understand.

i do eberything in my power to recover from my depression :
-set career goals (finding it hard to concentrate)
-try be more spiritual but i feel like god hates me
-seeing a therapist

all my goals are draining me, i have no interest in doing anything i have no idea how to recover my broken heart. shall i date? what do i do?

[Lisa]

Dear brokenheartedgirl1234,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling. The reality is that recovering from domestic abuse is an ongoing process that takes time. It is still fairly early days for you, and him being released must have triggered a lot of feelings for you. It takes a long time to adjust from the life of living with an abuser, having to be constantly alert, thinking ahead and managing him and your own risk. To adjust to a new quiet life without all that is a huge adjustment and it can leave you feeling lonely, which is a horrible feeling.

If you haven’t done so already please consider getting in touch with your local domestic abuse service to ask what recovery support they have; for example many women feedback that attending The Freedom Programme is a very helpful process. It can help you to learn more about the dynamics of abuse, why you feel the way you do, and can help you to connect with other women who understand. On the Freedom Programme website you can look for a course near you or do the course online.

Look after yourself, a day at a time,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Brokenheartedgirl1234

Just wanting to join in the good wishes for you on your recovery. It takes time, and can be a shock and so much to face when the daily awful drama is gone from your life and you find yourself alone and stunned from it all.

Especially hard when all those around you are in a very different place to you, although, many of those women are probably hiding much too in reality.

Some women have their eggs frozen to preserve their fertility for the future when not ina position to have children imminently. As for dating, I would give yourself some time to heal and come to terms with your loss, and the trauma you have suffered. DA is a very tough daily survival, and post abuse presents us with other challenges, as you describe. I am glad you were able to post so openly here about your experiences, and I hopeyou will continue to so you can gain understanding and belief in yourself and what you deserve, and you deserve to be free from abuse and make your life be the way you want it.

warmest wishes

ts

[gettingtired]

I definitely wouldn’t date because of pressure from friends or because you feel the pressure from society. I understand, I thought I was forever young but now I’ve left my 20’s behind all I see is old school friends etc married, with children, babies, normal partners whilst my life just feels like a complete mess. But the truth is even once I manage to leave my current (abusive) relationship, I wouldn’t be ready for a new relationship/marriage/children anyway. It sounds like you’re still coming to terms with everything and struggling with missing your ex. Have you read about trauma bonding? It’s what occurs after the wonderful highs and the awful, crashing lows of these toxic, abusive relationship. Dr Ramani does some really good videos on YouTube I would recommend, including ones about when you only remember the ‘good’ times (euphoric recall) of the relationship. I think she suggests writing a list of all the terrible things they ever said or did and referring back to that list when you’re feeling wobbly.
It really is awful and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I sort of know how awful it is to miss them. I’ve tried to leave but never even gone through with it (just sort of wrestled with myself about it, got upset only been able to think of the ‘nice’ him, felt guilty and then not gone through with it). Xx

[Author]

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