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I needed to numb my brain. I feel lower than low, I feel useless, ugly, exhausted, tired, depressed, I write posts and erase them, I read a book on co-dependency and I feel really worse for it. My jaws are clamping shut. My head is spinning but I need it, I want to feel in free fall.
I cried silently, I have never felt so low and lonely. My life means nothing, I am frightened of becoming mad and depressed, I want to totally shut down. It’s not good.
The SS child protection plan meeting is coming up and I want to go for a walk on the beach instead, it’s the fourth meeting but the first one where a dv lady will support me. I dont want to be there, I want to run away, ignore, nothing matters anymore because all the values I believed in and worked towards were baffled by this man. I am done. I want to vanish, make a final statement: Speak among yourselves, I wont be there, I just want to run away.
I ate nothing tonight, the alcohol is doing its job, thank god for that, I want to let go. He doesn’t speak one bit, he nearly died yet he won’t speak. Nothing matters any more. I want to be with one of the refuge ladies I met there, I want to know what it feels to be loved, held, cherished, cuddled.
What did I do wrong to deserve this life, I curse my mum for being a drunk most of her life, she just let me down, now she is a shell and I hate being me and what she is. She made me feel lonely all my life.
I want to loose consciousness. I want to be ill and be saved in a hospital, I want to be missed. I want to know why I ever lived. -
Oh Bridget, I can really hear your pain and I recognise it clearly. The wanting to run away, be in hospital, be cared for just for once, the loneliness, the fear of becoming my mother. But please try to hold onto something: this is not you, not who you are. You won’t feel that until you are free from abusers but it’s true. I can’t tell you the relief it is to find out that I’m not who they had me believing I was. Hold onto your truth deep inside. Sending hugs x*x
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Dear Bridget, I am sorry that you are feeling so down. Things do get better they really do. I have been in the pits of despair before. You will be free of this. Can you read any spirituality books or verses to help you cope with these feelings (M-Scott Peck, Dalai Lama). When I was on holiday I was reading ‘The Power of Now’, it encourages you to feel your feelings, not try to stuff them away with drugs, alcohol or food but to feel and just observe what you are feeling. To watch the feeling. I found this helpful, it is sort of like managing these emotions that are causing us physical pain, you seem to get a better grip on them. I don’t know if you would find this helpful, but last night I posted a verse called “Love Your Suffering”. It is about managing pain so that it does not go so deep, you can survive down times and difficulties if you can find a way to manage your feelings. I have worked with these things throughout my life. Meditation, mindfulness, soothing classical music and really sharing what you are feeling on here too Bridget. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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Dear Bridget, I was thinking about what you have written, I hope I, m able to give you a different perspective. I feel that I have got a grip on the abuse issues now, he is gone & i,m almost done with the trauma bonding, I do however have a very big challenge in my life that is causing me great physical & mental damage. My work is stressful in the extreme, every day I feel wound up, angry, on edge & miserable. I know that my health and wellbeing are being affected & it is getting worse. I cannot leave,i cannot change it & i am dependant on it. My choices are i either die,go under or manage it. Lately I have been so down, stressed & angry at work. I am going to look carefully at my situation, and start to devise a plan in how to combat this. I think my first mindset change will be acceptance. I have to go now but will post more later.❤❤❤❤❤💪(strong woman bridget)
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Dear Bridget, I am sending you a big hug ((💛)))
You live to be you. To reach your potential. To enjoy what good things life has to offer.
HA came up with a very refreshing and simple thought: we just chose the wrong men.
We can punish ourselves, berate ourselves, hate ourselves, let our abusers engage us in their game….
Or we can say, it is what it is. I can’t save my abuser- he needs to do that. Stop feeling responsible for him.
It is all about damage limitation now. Go to the meeting, but be a graceful swan. Don’t expose more of yourself than you feel comfortable doing. It’s a means to an end. Emotion is your enemy at this point, in this situation with professionals.
Your husband has problems which you are not guilty of creating. You are hurting yourself in trying to make him any different or in trying to find a solution. Only he can do that.
Your aim now is to find as much peace in every 24 hours as you can, to help your jilted grow independent ( don’t do too much for them- spend that energy on yourself) as they need to learn to be responsible and socialised.
Peace will come. I promise. Ensure you have enough support- counselling etc.
💛
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PS : I think controlling men use the vehicle of marriage and motherhood to control a woman, to monopolise her and vent their childhood issues or personality problems on to her.
The think the marriage certificate abut he children mean that she is imprisoned forever, can’t leave and will put up with whatever is thrown at her.
The working man will find his ego massaged by by achieving in the world of work, pay money to keep his family in situ, but won’t do his fair share of the child-rearing in terms of encouraging the children. He will just be not dictating at home. And if he is argued against, he will deny and punish. He has childhood issues he is too weak to face, and prefers to project his issues on to his wife and children. He feels entitled to do this, because he thinks they are his property. The marriage archives him license to act with cruelty.
Bridget, you have done a lot for your children in the past. You have educated then, encouraged them, taken care of them. They will remember these things.
You did your best as a mother. You can’t wave a magic wand and make your husband reasonable, self-reflective or honest. That growth is up to him.
No woman should ever lose her identity in her marriage, be made to feel such pain or be prevented from reaching her potential in whatever it is that makes her happy.
Marriage is meant to be a team effort.
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Dear Bridget, I hope that you are feeling a bit better. I posted in this thread that allthough I was no longer affected by the abusive ex, I am however trapped in a devastingly miserable situation at work that I cannot change and I cannot leave. Yesterday I was at work, I felt so miserable. I started reading this link, just looking at it made my mood lift.http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/distresstolerance.htm
I am going to get on top of this situation that I am in, I just havn’t at the moment put the whole action plan together as to how to do it. I like the link of Distress Tolerance. Acceptance is a word used often when emotional pain is involved. I am going to look a lot more closely at the things that upset the most and then try to understand and take a more positive approach to them. This should take some of the sting out of my misery. Also i’m going to focus on my physical health as far as I can, like you I can get lethargic and let myself go, this stress brings you down. But I am going to try to buck the trend and really look after myself too. Thats enough for today. XXXXX
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