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My heart is sobbing and yet the tears don’t fall. I am exhausted, empty, desolate. I am working so hard to get out, working so hard pretending for the sake of the kids, pretending to everyone that I am ok. I can’t keep burdening my family with my pathetic sorrow. I feel so lonely and scared and weak.
I am at the supermarket car park . I don’t want to go in. I want to sleep and wake up 5 years from now. How in earth do I find the strength to put up with my self pitying depression and anxiety and the fallout when I say I am moving out. Sorry – I know I sound stupid and feeble. I just want a hug and to be told everything is going to be ok in the end. -
Big hugs, Tuppance.
Some days are so hard. I still have days like that.
Close your eyes, and concentrate on your inner core. I believe that there is a part of us that the abusers could not reach- and part that goes beating the emotional, mental or physical.
You can call it your core, that spiritual part of yourself, whatever. But I believe we hide it away in our relationship because under it all, we knew we were being threatened, even if we denied it to ourselves or blamed ourselves for survival’s sake.
It’s still in there, burning away, waiting to grow in strength again. Believe it’s your here. Touch your stomach and you will feel it. It’s in there. It will need careful nurturing and you will need to build up strong boundaries in your life to continue to protect yourself, but once you’ve built the right conditions, it will grow and flourish.
We are stronger than our abusers. They abuse because they are weak cowards- never mistake their abuse for strength. 💛
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Sending you a hug Tuppence. I can’t tell you what life in 5 years time will be like, I am actually out longer than that and life has its difficulties, some of them major. But I can identify with where you are, that feeling of not able to take any more and that people people don’t understand. What you’re feeling is entirely valid and it’s such a lot to deal with. Give yourself a break, take any little comfort for you that you can. You will get there. Keep posting.
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I was just a shell too. I took that leap of faith. Of course it’s scary or we would have left years ago. With your own space and recovery comes your confidence and self esteem. To have the peace to recover your strength. In the end your life will be what you choose to make it. But you will have your mental health back and space and time to heal X
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